If You Twist And Turn Away
by blueandblack
Summary: Jacob Black thought his life had gone to hell when Bella ran off to Italy to save her bloodsucker or wind up dead herself, who knows. Turns out things can always get messier. And more painful. And more dangerous.
1. Chapter 1

She's gone. She left.

I honestly didn't think she would leave like that.

Not when I was begging her not to, for Charlie, for me.

Oh God. I begged. I actually _begged._

I groaned, buried my face in my hands.

I wished I hadn't tried to stop her at all, let alone pleaded the way I did, clinging onto her arm, almost turning on the damn waterworks.

I wished I'd just let her go, nodded and told her I'd take care of Charlie, see her when she got back.

_See you later, Bells, have a nice time saving your bloodsucker boyfriend and/or getting yourself killed. Pick me up a snow globe._

If I'd just let her go like that I could still pretend she cared.

I could still pretend she would have stayed for me if I'd asked.

I was not enjoying this new clarity. Knowing for sure that all Bella Swan had for me were looks – grateful, guilty, wistful, sad, sweet, even torn – they were all just a shift of facial muscles, useless thoughts behind her eyes.

Edward Cullen. He got the action.

I shook my head, grinned bitterly at my own thoughts.

Not _that_ kind of action. Well, not _just_ that kind of action.

He got her running after him, little feet flying to the car, like she'd never half-killed herself by tripping over them.

The fucker left her, left her in the _woods, alone._ She could have been killed. She could have gotten lost, starved to death. The bloodsuckers hadn't known about Sam's abilities, nobody had. There was every chance she would never have been found if he hadn't been able to catch her scent the way only a werewolf could. She would have just stayed where she fell and wasted away and I never would have had the chance to know her, to make her smile again, to fall in –

I punched the ground and _Maybe it would have been better that way_ slid nastily into my mind before I could stop it. Immediately, my hand was pressing against my mouth, knuckles still smarting a little from the contact with the earth, palm tingling hopelessly where she had kissed it…

_Shut up. That's not the point._

I inched my hand away, exhaled shakily.

The point was he'd left her for dead, he hadn't even cared enough to make sure she was safe, but now that he'd thrown his sparkly ass on the cross, Bella was off to Europe, arms wide open.

I had to wonder whether maybe I should just try treating her like crap, see where that got me.

I found myself pressing a hand to my mouth again, thinking _Whatever, it's too late for games now. It's too late._

I tried to breathe slowly, closed my eyes, let my hand drop, my lips part slightly.

_If only._

If only I hadn't answered the goddamn phone.

My fingers tensed as I pictured myself ripping the cord out, throwing the receiver over my shoulder and –

_kissing her, bella bella bella, small and tight against my body and she'd be scared at first, confused, but then she'd want me too and she'd sigh, tangle her little hands in my hair and - _

I punched the ground again, three times, four, five, felt the earth quiver under me. A flock of dull, gray birds fled screeching from a nearby tree.

_Good. Fuck off. Fly to Italy._

I gritted my teeth, whistled out a sigh.

What the hell was I doing, sitting here stark naked in the woods, pining and moping, like the whole thing had been so much more than a stupid crush on a girl who was only ever using me to pass the time while she waited for _him?_

Screw this.

I phased again, ran.

-----

Someone else was out with me now. Quil.

Great. There was no way I was going to be able to stop him hearing something, which would mean he'd try and talk to me about it later.

I didn't want to talk. There was no point in talking. Besides I was pretty sure that it would only lead to my being subjected to a chorus of _I told you so's_ from the pack - pure torture, however sympathetic they might be.

It was irritating and useless and yeah they had told me so, so I'd heard it all before anyway.

_The girl's messed up, Jake, you don't wanna go there._

_Yeah, man. She's cute and I like her and all, but she has the hots for a leech. That's just… nuts. Anyway if that's the kind of kinky shit she's into, she's not going to go for a guy like you._

_She'd miss the blood breath too much. _

I could take all of that. I'd just rolled my eyes, let it roll of me. Water off a duck's back, whatever.

But then there had been Sam, putting on his best Calm and Authoritative voice and saying _She's not your imprint, Jacob._

_She's not my imprint? Brilliant argument. I'm over it now. _

Sam acted like no one had ever been able to love anyone without a little werewolf magic.

Idiot.

Just because Emily worshipped him, he thought he was the big relationship guru, dispensing his infinite wisdom, which basically amounted to _Sit around and wait till you imprint._

_Idiot._

I realized I was running much faster now that I had been, and not in any particular direction. I was seething and I knew Quil had to be hearing all of it.

Well let him hear it. Maybe if he caught it all now, he wouldn't feel the need to start asking questions later.

-----

No such luck.

I'd been home less than an hour, just the time to shower, scrub the dirt off myself, head back downstairs, eat half a loaf of bread, and most importantly, stare at the wall feeling angry.

I'd been home less than an hour when Quil showed up.

I rolled my eyes when I opened the door.

"Quil, what a surprise."

"Hey Jake," he stood at the threshold, rocking on his heels like he was nervous. "So Bella left? Is that it?"

I sort of laughed, more snorted. "Ah, it's no big deal. She's just gone to pick up her boyfriend, she'll be back." I cocked my head to one side. "Unless she dies. Want a soda?"

Quil raised his eyebrows a little. "Uh, sure."

I ambled over to the fridge and pulled out two cans.

_Cold soda. That's the way it's meant to be, okay?_

Quil opened his can slowly, gingerly, like he was trying to minimize the cracking sound.

"So she's… the Cullens are coming back? Cos Sam's really not gonna like that."

"Well Sam can just deal with it." I growled, lashing out before I realized I should really be on his side about that.

I shook my head, rubbed at my eyes. "Look, I don't even know what's gonna happen. Edward's in Italy getting himself killed because he thinks Bella's dead. She's gone to find him because apparently a phone call won't do. Maybe they'll come back, maybe they'll go somewhere else. Maybe they'll go out together in a blaze of glory and people will write songs about them and shit. The possibilities are endless."

Quil sipped his soda, nodded thoughtfully. "You don't think maybe she'll find him and say 'Hey, I'm alive, see you later' and just, you know, come home?"

I had to chuckle at that little idea. "She's not over him. How many times did you guys tell me that?"

Quil nodded again. "Right, but he's over her, isn't he? I mean, he left, so - "

I scoffed. "Yeah, he's so over her that he can't live in a world without her in it. I think when you're committing suicide over a girl, you haven't moved on."

Quil wasn't going to let it go. "I see what you mean, sure, okay. But there's still gotta be a reason he left."

I thought about that for a moment. Quil was right. Even if the bloodsucker was still into Bella, there had to have been a reason why he'd left her. Maybe the same reason would keep him away now, maybe he'd just send her home and go on his merry way and she'd just –

_Shut up. That's not the point._

The point was that she still wanted him. After everything, after all this time, everything we'd lived together. Bella still wanted the bloodsucker more than anything. Way more than me. Hell she'd probably stumble over my corpse to get to him.

Of course if I was lucky I might get a pitying glance along the way.

I gave the fridge a swift kick, looked around guiltily for Billy even though I knew he wasn't home.

"Jake?" Quil asked quietly. "Are you gonna be okay? Cos one of us needs to go tell Sam what we know, even if it isn't much."

I kicked the fridge again in defiance to my own guilty conscience. There was a nice little dent in the side now. I muttered "Sure, sure. I'll go," while I admired my handiwork.

Or you know, feetiwork. What-the-fuck-ever.

-----

I sort of hated Emily Young-soon-to-be-Uley.

It was unfair really, because she'd never been anything but relentlessly sweet to me - to everyone really, unless you counted the whole debacle with Leah.

I'd tried to tell myself that that was where the attitude came from – that I had issues with her because she'd shacked up with the love of her cousin's life. But that wasn't it, that couldn't be it. Leah and I weren't exactly close and well, karma had already done a nice – or heinous, depending on which way you looked at it – job of making Emily pay for that.

Scars. Leah's were all bitterness and bitchiness. Emily wore hers on the outside.

I was watching her while we waited for Sam and she brought out a tray of muffins and lemonade, gave me a smile that would have been beautiful.

The tragedy of her face didn't move me, neither did her absolute sincerity or her lemonade or her freaking muffins. For some reason she just _pissed me off._

The weird thing was that I hadn't always felt this way about her. Back when she and Sam first got together and everyone talked about how Leah was broken and wouldn't come out of her room, before I knew anything about werewolves and the whole imprinting excuse and just figured Sam was an asshole and Emily was a bit of a bitch, I didn't hate her like this. I kind of used to think she was the ideal woman actually, mostly on account of her mad baking skills.

But now there was something about the image of her in this kitchen, wiping floury hands on her apron and humming in that contented way people who have what they want hum, that made me want to trash the place.

It was ironic that it was only since the whole wolf thing had sunk in, since I'd understood why Sam was the way he was and why he and Emily had betrayed Leah like that, that I'd started to develop this weird, simmering resentment.

And it was worse now that Bella was gone, now that I could feel myself losing her.

_The stupid little crumbs you had anyway._

It was worse because they were so fucking happy and cute and made-for-each-other and that was how Bella and I… screw imprinting, that was how we _should be._

And it was worse because Sam was smug and Emily was smug even if she didn't know it. They were both so smug and our-love-is-better and it pissed me off that maybe they were right. Maybe it didn't matter how much I adored Bella, how much I craved her, it didn't matter that I would live and die for her… that wasn't irresistible for her like it had been for Emily.

It wasn't irresistible like _Cullen._

My love was nothing compared to his. Hell, my love was nothing compared to the _lack_ of his.


	2. Chapter 2

Turned out Sam wasn't as pissed about the possibility of the Cullens coming back to Washington as Quil had anticipated.

He wolfed down – pardon the pun – a muffin and a half before he even bothered to respond to our news, and even then he just shrugged, said "Okay, guess we'll see what happens."

Quil raised both eyebrows in surprise, "Okay? We don't freak out over this?"

Sam finished his muffin, downed a whole glass of lemonade before answering.

"Nah. The Cullens know about the treaty and they respected it before, no reason they won't now. The only difference is that this time around, if they don't, I got a whole pack of wolves to sort them out."

He grinned and Emily gave him that _you-are-so-brave-and-manly-and-I-want-you-to-ravish-me-right-now_ look that made me want to puke.

"Right. Awesome. Good thing we came straight over then." I rolled my eyes at Quil and headed for the door.

"Jacob? I wasn't done talking."

From the sound of Sam's voice I could tell he didn't appreciate my attitude.

_Who does he think he is, my dad? I've already got one of those. There's an opening for mom, if anyone's interested._

I sighed, wrenched my fingers off the handle and turned around like a good boy.

"Yeah?"

"The Cullens aren't a problem, not now anyway. But Victoria is. I want to know as soon as Bella gets back."

I considered making some smart-ass remark along the lines of _What am I? Her keeper?_ but thought better of it, nodded tightly instead. I just wanted to get out of there.

--

Victoria.

Bella or no Bella we still had to patrol. After all the bloodsucker would still kill to eat, even if she couldn't, you know, kill to feel good about herself.

Being the wolf was worse than it had been this afternoon. I wasn't just sharing headspace with Quil, everyone was out.

And I didn't just have to worry about my thoughts. Everyone's mind was all _Bella Swan goes to Italy, the Cullens, Edward and Bella – what the hell, he's made of stone, how would they even have sex? Ha ha, will they come back, all of them? The daddy was a doctor right? So weird. I wonder if he pilfers blood for himself. Vegetarian my ass. Do we get to kill 'em if their big toe slips over the line? The blonde one was friggin' hot, too bad she'll stink to us now._

I groaned, but it came out as a muffled howl.

Embry's voice sounded in my head suddenly. He'd been quiet up until now, so the particular tone and timber stood out among the din.

_I wish she'd just stay away. Bella Swan's nothing but trouble._

Immediately after that, came _Oh Jake, sorry man. Shit._

I growled, forced my paws to move faster. _What the hell are you apologizing to me for, moron?_

_Nothing, just I thought you might not – _

I slowed a little. I was being an jerk.

_It's cool, Embry. Just forget it. She can do what she wants, and you can think what you want. You don't have to worry about –_

_Can _I_ think whatever _I_ want, Mr Black? _

That was Leah.

I didn't take the time to answer her.

_Screw this, carrot-top's probably – _

I phased, mid-thought

_- followed her to Italy anyway._

I went home on two legs. It was slower, but at least I got to have my brain to myself.

--

She came to me before I even knew she was back.

I couldn't help but feel a pang when I saw her slide out of the truck, still in the same clothes she'd been wearing when she'd left, hair a voluminous mess, bags under her eyes.

_A quick shower? A change of clothes? Maybe a nap? No thank you. Jacob first._

Right. I shook my head, trying not to feel so elated. I had a feeling my pathetic satisfaction at being her number one priority wasn't going to last.

Her number one priority _after_ a trip to Italy, I reminded myself.

Still, I wouldn't have been able to hold onto the anger and hurt if I'd wanted to. I couldn't help but grin like an idiot, pull out my biggest strides to reach her as quickly as – no quicker than humanly possible.

"Bells you're alive!"

I caught a smile spreading over her tired face just as I hugged her tightly, lost sight of everything but her stringy brown hair and the damp ground beneath it.

Having her in my arms again felt incredibly good. My head was light, warmth rushed inside me, knee-jerk tears collected behind my eyes. It was pure relief. The kind you feel when a car swerves in front of you, then rights itself. Having Bella back and alive was sort of like the world righting itself before I got squashed, and I knew the moment I touched her that it was going to be difficult to let her go again.

Thankfully, it was made a little easier by the smell.

_Sweet, sick, stale candy and dust._

I pulled away, wrinkled my nose reflexively. "You're alive, and yet… you stink like dead things."

She frowned, tugged her shirt away at the collar and sniffed at her shoulder. It was sort of irresistibly cute. I had to smile.

"Seriously? Ugh, I knew I should have showered before I came."

My smile faded for a second – _her skin, not just her clothes, her _skin_ smells of them_ - before I could catch it, force it back. At times like these smugness was a refuge, it helped me plaster a grin on my face.

"In too much of a hurry to see me, huh? Personal hygiene be damned, my wolf is waiting."

She just rolled her eyes, broke a smile in two when she bit her lip.

I ducked my head, shuffled my feet in the dirt like I was about to ask her to prom, cursed myself for it. "I'm glad you came right away, cat-lady hair and all. Saves me a few more minutes worrying like crazy, you know?"

She grinned, reached up and smoothed her hair, sort of looking up too, like she was going to be able to see anything.

Again, it was really, really bone-crushingly cute. Well it was to me, anyway.

"I'm sorry I didn't call or something. It was all a bit insane and I just… I'm sorry. We were there and then there was the mad dash – God, you should have seen me running, I'm pretty sure it was hilarious – and anyway, then we were on the plane again pretty much right away and I didn't have a credit card so I couldn't…"

I didn't really hear what she was saying, something about the phones they have in the seats.

_We._ There it was. Confirmation. Someone had come back with her, at least one someone, and I wasn't stupid enough to hope it was just the pixie.

Looking back I should have known straight away. She looked like crap, sure, but she also looked happy. And I mean _happy_ happy.

It stung a little. No, fuck it, it stung a _lot._

This was how I'd dreamed of seeing her – the almost-glowing, the pink cheeks, the smile that was so easy for her all of a sudden. The real Bella, complete with healthy levels of hope and joy. This was what I'd wanted for so long, what I'd _worked_ for for so long, but now that it was here, it had nothing whatsoever to do with me.

I should have known, it was so fucking obvious. The only thing that would make her look like this, that could make her come alive overnight – well, over two nights to be precise – was Edward Cullen, back in her life to stay.

I found myself interrupting her, muttering what was probably a jarring "So, mission accomplished then?" into her words.

She laughed nervously. "Uh, yeah. Done and dusted."

Ordinarily I would have made a joke here, something about how I thought she'd gone there to save vamps, not stake them. I think she was hoping I would, actually, she'd left me the opening on purpose. But there was no room for jokes, my mind was still consumed with that _we._

I had to ask the question, even though it was going to completely give me away.

_Give you away, right, like everyone in Washington doesn't already know how you feel._

I swallowed tightly. "So, the Cullens are moving back to town?"

She just nodded slowly, looking to the side and down.

"And you and Edward are - "

She didn't let me finish, gave me a clipped "Yep."

It was my turn to nod, eyes carefully averted.

I tried to speak as quickly as I could, pauses were dangerous. "Right, cool. Just, like, don't bring him over to hang out, treaty and all."

She might have been smiling when she asked "So we're… friends?"

"Of course." I was having a lot of difficulty keeping my voice even, but I soldiered on, determined not to have a repeat performance of the almost-water-works humiliation before she had left, added "I mean, that's what we were before, right?"

And it was true. That's all we had been, whether I liked it or not. Suddenly it was like knives in my gut that in all that time, all summer long, I'd never tried to kiss her, not once. I was an idiot, a stupid little boy too scared to make a move, and right now I hated myself for it. But deep down I knew it had been more complicated than that. Bella had been more complicated.

I guess I'd just thought I had a lot more time. And I'd wanted to make sure of everything, wanted to get it right for her the first time, no trial and error bullshit to screw us up.

"Right," she said, cutting softly, gingerly through my thoughts, like she was scared of what my reaction might be.

_I'll show her, I'll react just fine. To all of this. She'll never see that one coming, ha!_

"Good." I stretched my lips into a broad _friendly_ smile. "So that's what we still are."

She nodded, looking a tiny bit unsettled by my apparent good cheer.

_There. See. Just fine._

I shrugged to punctuate my act, almost yawned, but that might have been taking it a bit far.

"So, what do friends do on not-so-fine afternoons like this one? By the looks of you I'm guessing the bikes are staying put."

She stretched her arms out. "Yeah, I'm sort of insanely tired. And gross, as you so kindly pointed out."

I just chuckled, was about to offer warm soda and reading movie reviews to me while I worked, when she spoke again.

"I can't stay long." She looked around herself guiltily, like someone might be watching. "I really shouldn't be here at all."

"You're really shouldn't be here? What does that mean?"

She shook her head, sighed. "Edward's… he's a little worried about the werewolf thing. He'll come around."

"He'll _come around?_" I almost laughed, coughed instead, spluttered a little. "What? I - How can you - " I breathed in, then out, nice and slow. "Do you even hear yourself Bella?"

She gave me this indignant-and-annoyed look and it almost made me laugh-cough-splutter again.

"Jake, it's complicated okay? He only just found out that you're - "

I couldn't help myself, I had to cut in there. "You know why he only just found out? Cos he _wasn't around._"

She gaped at me like I was the biggest asshole on the earth and I felt like saying _What? Don't I get to make a few jokes now that he's back?_

She started to defend him right away of course. "That's not fair, Jacob, you don't know the - "

I waved a hand dismissively, still trying not to giggle a little at this hideous development. "Sure, sure. I don't know what I'm talking about. Fine. Just let me know when he's comfortable with you being my friend again."

"You don't have to…" She looked very uncomfortable now, scratching around for something to say. "It's not like that you know, he's just worried about my safety."

I snorted, covered my mouth with my hand. I was going to start saying some things I'd regret – however true they were – if I didn't end this little visit now.

"Okay, forget it. It's all good." I forced a smile. "I gotta go now too anyway. Sam wanted me to let him know when you were back, so…"

I waited and after a few beats she nodded, said weakly "Well, see you later then."

I grinned, wide and absurd, waved stiffly at her while she still stood there staring.

It was cheesy and aggressive and I knew it would hurt her, and as she walked away, part of me couldn't help thinking _Well good._


	3. Chapter 3

School.

It was kind of a shock to wake up on Monday and realize I actually had to go. You fall in love, there's still school. You start turning into a giant wolf, there's still school. You get your heart ripped out and guess what? Yeah, school.

-----

The hallways felt empty, as though the crowds were being sucked away as I passed by, smeared over the walls like human paint.

We were heading outside with our food and Quil was telling me something about a substitute teacher and finals, but my mind kept slipping, no matter how hard I tried to hook myself on to whatever the hell he was talking about.

_Fine. Just let me know when he's comfortable with you being my friend again._

What if that was never? I mean… that could really, actually be never. As difficult as it was to wrap my mind around this concept, it was actually possible that I might just not see Bella anymore.

On the one hand, that could be a blessing in disguise, because the idea of being around her as her _friend_, of going in for all those conversations, all those hugs and smiles that were hopeless now, separate and stagnant and too late… Just the thought of that was unbearable.

But then not seeing her at all, not being forced to at least pretend I was okay with this, with us, with _him_… This way the loss was like a cloudless sky, brighter than it would have been if I'd had to play along with her. This way the truth was burning white-hot into me in time with the tick of the clock.

Bella wasn't mine. She was never going to be mine. It was over.

Quil was shaking me with one hand, snapping his fingers with the other.

I blinked. "Sorry, what?"

He sighed.

"Okay dude, I was being all respectful and stuff because of your thing with Bella, but now that that's… you know, anyway, are you _ever_ going to go talk to Jenna Carlson?"

I frowned. "Huh? Matt's older sister?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Why would I go talk to her?"

Quil grinned. "Um, cos she's been staring at you for like two months straight?"

I faked a gasp. "Two months straight? That's impressive. I mean, I move around a _lot._"

Quil rolled his eyes. "I'm serious, man. Girl's into you. And she's a senior."

I just shrugged at that.

_She's a senior. _

Honestly, you fall for one older woman and suddenly everyone thinks it's your _thing._

Quil was staring at me like I'd gone mad. "Jake, she's a _hot, blonde, cheerleading senior._ I demand that you take this seriously."

I yawned, dropped a handful of fries I'd been considering putting in my mouth back onto the greasy paper plate. "Sure, sure. Hey, maybe she's actually staring at you, Quil. You should go ask." I licked my fingers clean, smirked. "I'll watch from a safe distance."

-----

Turned out Quil didn't need to go to her, which was too bad cos he'd been seriously considering it and it might have been a good show, maybe even good enough to get my mind off Bella for a bit.

Anyway it wasn't to be, because a few minutes later the girl in question was leaning over our table with a smile – most likely prompted by the fact that Quil had been pointing at her and I had been sitting there with my hand shading my eyes, squinting to check her out.

(Only because Quil had insisted.)

She was waving a piece of paper under my nose, saying something about a party. I took it and skimmed over it quickly before looking up at her, puzzled.

"It says 'seniors only' in big red letters at the bottom?" I didn't doubt my eyesight or anything, but it still came out like a question.

Jenna straightened up, tossed her shiny hair back with a grin. "Right. Yeah. But we figured we could make an exception for you…" she hesitated for a moment, "…and your friends."

I could _feel_ Quil's insides shift and rearrange themselves.

I wanted to ask her why the hell she would make an exception for me and my friends, but Quil would probably maul me later if I did, and if I was honest I sort of knew already. We all tended to a get more attention these days, either for being scary or scarily buff or both.

"Uh, thanks," I said, folding the piece of paper in half and in half again and so on.

She flashed me a blinding Hollywood smile before walking back to her friends, more _sashaying_ really and hey, there's a word I'll never say out loud.

-----

I wasn't going to go. I really, really wasn't going to go. But the pressure from Quil was bad enough, and once Embry found out it was two against one and I was a goner.

Anyway I figured they were probably right when they said it would be good for me to get out. It might drag me out of this haze that had become my life over the past week, or at least distract me for a few hours.

In the front of my mind it was all _Bella bella bella never never never_ but somewhere in the back I was sort of worried about myself. I didn't want to end up on prozac.

"What the hell are you brats doing here?" Leah Clearwater cornered us when we'd barely stepped over the threshold, hands on hips, scowl on face. "Can you not _read?_" She snatched a piece of paper from the top of one of the speakers and held it up to us. "Seniors only."

Quil rolled his eyes. "Too bad they don't have a no bitch policy, cos that would be you out, twice."

Leah snorted, shot back "Quiet, small child."

She angled herself so that her back was to Quil and focussed on me and Embry, eyes flickering to the piece of paper in my hand. "I repeat. What are you doing here?"

I met her gaze and held it while I shrugged. "We were invited."

"What?" she snapped. "Who would invite you?"

I glanced over at Quil and he was grinning widely. For a second I thought he was going to start giggling, but he just said "Jenna Carlson" loud and clear.

Leah growled softly, turned around, searching till her eyes found a small mass of blonde girls dancing in the center of the room.

"That stupid whore," she muttered, shaking her head.

"Hey now," Quil objected, "I don't think Jake would like you talking about his girlfriend like that."

I shoved him and Leah turned her attention back to us, eyes narrowing in interest.

"Ah, so we're over the mousy white chick with the Anne Rice complex now are we?"

She probably thought that would cut deep, but I really couldn't give a shit. She could say what she liked.

I pushed past her into the next room.

-----

Despite the free beer and hordes of senior girls, the party was lame, so lame that even Quil and Embry had to admit it.

We spent most of our time trying to get drunk, which, thanks to the damn werewolf constitution, was mostly a bust. Jenna had more success with it than we did though, and somewhere along the line, in between telling me she wanted to be an air hostess and trying to get me to dance, she leaned heavily against me and threw up all over the floor, a certain amount of vomit finding its way to the sleeve of my shirt.

That was when we decided to leave.

-----

We wound up in a park a couple of blocks from Susie Whatever's house and I suddenly felt really tired, wondered idly if the beer had had more of an effect on me than I'd thought.

I sank down to the ground, resting my back against a tall tree. Quil and Embry had walked ahead several meters before they noticed and doubled back.

Embry raised an eyebrow. "You planning on sleeping here, man?"

I laughed, shook my head. "Just having a rest."

"A rest? When did you get so soft?" Quil asked, grinning down at me over Embry's shoulder.

I yawned sleepily, heard Embry say "Shut it, Quil", saw that he was giving me his concerned, my-friend-is-having-a-breakdown-or-something face. He'd been doing that a lot over the past few days.

He accompanied the face with a quiet "You okay?" and I tried not to roll my eyes.

"Sure, sure. I'll get…" I didn't want to say I'd get over it, it didn't seem possible, so I amended it slightly, went with "I'll get past it."

Quil knew what we were talking about, but his face was screwed up in confusion when he said "You know, you act like you imprinted on her or something. Like… what is it about Bella Swan that makes you… insane?"

Embry muttered "Shut it, Quil" for the second time and Quil qualified with "I'm not trying to be an asshole, I'm just curious."

Weirdly, the question had made me want to laugh more than anything else. I grinned stupidly as I murmured it back to myself.

"What is it about Bella Swan that makes me insane? Well…" I rubbed at my eyes for a moment, then sighed heavily, felt my face fall with my breath. "She's pretty."

"Right, she's pretty." Quil conceded, before adding "Jenna Carlson is _hot._"

I rolled my eyes finally registering what the smell had been when I had rubbed at my eyes. I lifted my arm up and wrinkled my nose at the stains on my shirtsleeve, muttered "She didn't look too hot when she was throwing up everywhere. Didn't smell too hot either," as I stood up and took the shirt off, balled it up and threw it across the park.

_Whatever, I never liked you anyway. It. Anyway._

I sat back down against the tree, enjoying the cool night air on my chest. I felt unusually hot. Hot, fuzzy, tired. I ignored whatever Quil was saying, interrupted him.

"She's so fucking cute. You guys have no idea. It's…" I shook my head. I really should have been too embarrassed to talk about this, any normal guy would shut the hell up at this point. But I guess when you share your mind with your friends half the time anyway, talking about stuff is less of a big deal. "It's just… She's so small and solemn, you know? And then she can be a total spaz."

Quil snorted. "No kidding."

Embry must have given him a look or something, because he mumbled an explanation. "I'm just saying, she has to be the clumsiest girl I've ever met. She's like… a walking natural disaster."

I chuckled, looked down for a moment, then rested my head against the tree trunk again and sighed, not quite able to talk my mouth out of a smile.

"Oh you did _not_ just sigh dreamily at that." Quil gaped at me in horror. "This is bad. Please tell me you know that falling over your own feet within three steps is not cute."

I chuckled again. "Okay, um… She's always rereading the same books. That's cute, right?"

Embry nodded diplomatically, Quil managed "Uh, sure. Whatever."

"I have her copy of Jane Eyre in my garage and I remember her reading that when we were kids. She'd sit there with her nose in it, even on the beach, give us dirty looks when we ran around yelling, remember Embry?"

Embry frowned. "I was there? When was this?"

"She and her mom came to our place for Thanksgiving when she was like twelve or something. You were there. You probably don't remember because she never spoke to you. She never really spoke to either of us." I smiled at the faded memory, at the fact that I had never completely forgotten it even though it had meant so little till now. "I think she just pretended we weren't there at all most of the time."

-----

Monday again. Jenna Carlson sure as hell wasn't staring at me anymore. I was relieved, Quil was heartbroken.

It was getting dangerously close to being two weeks since I'd last spoken to Bella, and when I got home I took the cordless phone from the kitchen, went straight up to my room and sat there staring at it, hearing the dial tone in my head like a bad pop song I couldn't exorcise, starting to think _Hey, how much does your pride really matter anyway?_

-----

She called on Tuesday night, late.

I sat up straight, pounced on the phone. "Bella!"

"How did you… Oh, right. Um, hi Jake."

Her voice flooded me. I could barely speak at first, managed to say _Hi_ back, but I'm not sure if she heard me.

I could hear every breath she was taking.

After a moment she spoke and it was all awkward stops and starts. "Listen I'm… I dunno… I guess I… I sort of wanted to apologize for last time."

I shook my head, covered my eyes with my free hand and sort of groaned.

When she'd left… then when she'd come back, hurried over to see me with her bloodsucker invisible, but very much in tow… I'd never felt so hurt by anyone. But I doubted she really got that. I was pretty sure Bella still saw me as a kid with a crush, just her friend who kind of had a thing for her, sure, but it wasn't the end of the world, not like _her_ feelings for _him_ were. I didn't think she had any idea how much she'd torn me up with all this and I was sure she hadn't wanted to, hadn't meant to.

Anyway, the point was, there was no denying that I'd been an asshole too in the end and that wasn't me. I wasn't going to let that be me. Jacob Black was not the asshole.

"Bells… _I_ should probably apologize. I was… I dunno." I sighed. "I'm sorry anyway."

"Right, well that's settled. We're both all contrite and forgiving."

I could hear her smiling inside that sentence, and the sound of it pulled my lips into an inevitable grin. "Right."

"So anyway… I can come over now."

There was a long pause while she waited for my reaction. Since it didn't sound like a question I was fairly sure she wasn't asking if she could come _now_, but I couldn't help picturing it for a moment – Bella in her striped pyjama pants and a thin white tank top, slamming the truck door shut and running to me, barefoot on the freezing, wet grass…

Yeah, there was no way that was the plan. Still, it was a good enough joke to cover my long silence.

I cleared my throat, smirked. "Bells, it's nearly midnight and I - "

"Oh, what? No, god, I didn't mean _now_ now. Just… I spoke with Edward and yeah… we can hang out. Sometime. If you want."

"Of course I want." My voice came out low and thick and I was faintly aware that the need in it, the earnestness, would probably scare off any girl, let alone skittish, wary, in-love-with-another Bella Swan.

I heard her swallow a cough in the quiet. But – thank god - she didn't quickly retract her offer and hang up on me like I half expected her to.

She was all brightness and crisp cheer when she spoke again. "Okay, well… Thursday after school? Garage?"

I tried to shake the emotion out of my skin, mirror her tone. "Sure, great. See you then."

I stared at the phone for a long moment after I hung up, then fell back on the bed, closed my eyes, sighed at the nausea-tinged bliss of that conversation.

_Garage. Thursday after school._


	4. Chapter 4

School on Wednesday was a _bitch_, Thursday was worse. Every hour felt like it had melted into three, and I was pissed off with everything, snapping at everyone around me, bouncing my knee under my desk in time with the rapid thumping of my heart.

_Garage. Thursday after school._

-----

The sight of her jumping out of the truck with a nervous wave-and-smile combination, reaching back in to grab her jacket before heading toward the garage – toward me – set off that too-familiar rush under my skin and I clenched my fists, shook my hands out, smiled.

She hugged me easily, it wasn't awkward. I wasn't sure whether I felt pleased or disappointed, but either way the only thing I could do was grin when I set her down, try to say "I missed you" in as non-threatening a manner as possible.

"Missed you too!"

Bella smiled, but there was a flicker of something else in her eyes – worry, maybe even annoyance – and again I was weirdly split by it, trying to figure out whether it was a bad thing or a good thing.

_How the hell is it a good thing if the girl you love is annoyed that you missed her? Idiot._

I tried to tune out the intrusive jerk in my head, clapped my hands together. "So, what do you wanna do? Bikes?"

She cocked her head to one side, wrinkled her nose up in concentration while making an _mmm_ sound.

Guess who found it devastatingly adorable? Yeah.

"Let's just hang around here," she said finally. "I think I'm through with the adrenaline thing, for now at least."

I chuckled. "Okay then, one dull afternoon in the garage coming up."

She brought a hand to her chest, gaped at me in mock-horror. "_Dull_? Ex_cuse_ me?"

"Oh my apologies. How could anything be dull when you're around? I forgot you were the life and soul of any party."

I coughed around the word _wallflower_ and she glared, giggled, mumbled "Shut up, Jacob Black" as she followed me into the garage.

I turned back to her as I crossed the threshold.

"So it's all cool now? He doesn't think I'm going to get pissed off and eat you or something?"

Bella frowned. "_Eat_ me? Wouldn't you more just rip me to shreds and leave me for the crows to peck at?"

I pretended to give her question serious thought as I dug around for my soda supply. "Well see I'm not sure. I believe I have mentioned before that you seem like you'd be sort of tasty."

She smiled. "Oh right, that time with the bears that were going to eat us."

I handed her a soda, cracked mine open and took a sip. "Yeah, see, if a bear's gonna eat you, I'm pretty sure a wolf will."

She raised both her eyebrows. "Even a wolf who's my _best friend?_"

I snorted. "Please. Especially one who's your best friend. The other wolves are suckers, they don't know how delicious you are."

She flinched like she'd touched something really hot, looked away.

I frowned. Was this not allowed? This used to be allowed. Ish.

I'd caught that look on her face again, that flicker of something like irritation, and I suppose it had to be because I'd gone too far for her, like we'd just been being silly up till then and I'd crossed some new line she'd drawn up in her plans for our _best friendship._

I couldn't dwell on it for long. She was smiling at me again and I had to smile back, had to, wanted to, did, suggested we take our soda and go sit out in the meagre sunshine.

She nodded and I followed her out while she answered the question I'd asked before all the silliness and flinching.

"So anyway, yeah, Edward's cool. I mean… he's cool with us. I mean… us being friends."

I heard something like a giggle, then she shook her head, sat down on the grass. I sat opposite her, forced myself to leave a respectful distance between us.

_Respectful of what? Her thing with_ him? _Am I being respectful of bloodsuckers now?_

Bella's pale fingers were tugging at strands of grass. "We had a talk about it, and he's not one hundred percent happy with me hanging out here, but I kind of told him it was a deal breaker, so…" She smiled brightly. "Here I am."

I sipped my soda slowly, trying to distract my lips from the ridiculous grin they were forming.

My first thought in that moment – the one that was actually making me a little dizzy even if my butt was firmly on the ground - was _I'm her deal breaker._ My second and vastly less cheery thought was _Deal breaker? Why the fuck couldn't her fucking leech just keep being an unreasonable asshole?_

-----

We talked about nothing for the longest time. The sun slipped in and out of a wall of cloud, lower and lower, and it was sort of like my heart was sinking with it, because no matter how much I made Bella laugh, how many times I caught my breath at some tiny twitch of her lips, I couldn't shake the feeling that none of this meant anything anymore, that all the letters in our words were shuffling themselves around and spelling out _The End._

When I asked her if it was weird having a boyfriend who was always going to look seventeen, the answer I got made me wonder if I had some kind of psychic power.

"Yeah, well… That's why I want to do it sooner rather than later."

_The End._

I just stared at her, couldn't even bring myself to ask _Do what?_ because I knew, I knew but I couldn't believe it, I couldn't hear it, I wouldn't hear it.

I didn't say anything, she didn't say anything.

That was fine, that was good, that was better, that was –

She shifted to stand and words spewed out of me in a harsh torrent pinning her back down to the ground.

"You don't wake up after three days and live happily ever after, you know. You don't really wake up at all. It's not _you_, don't you get that? Bella, this isn't some fairytale. It's _death._"

She shook her head, her lower lip trembling as she forced out "No it's not. It's the only way I can live, Jake. I can't lose him and I'm scared that… You saw me when he was gone and I was just..."

I started to nod, stopped because my neck felt slack, like my head might just roll off it if I moved.

She stood up and it took me a moment to react, jump to my feet and grab her wrist before she could walk away from me. I towered over her and she seemed to shrink a little like I was going to hurt her or something. Ironically that just made me _so fucking angry_, but I lowered my head, let go of her wrist, tried to speak softly.

"When he left you were broken and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to see, so yeah Bella, I do remember. But I remember other things too, like the fact that you were getting better, like the fact that three weeks ago you would have kissed me. You would have kissed me if the phone hadn't rung, _you wanted to._"

"What? I don't… Jacob…" Her voice cracked and she looked a little dazed, like she hadn't expected me to actually go there, finally mention the unmentionable. I was pretty sure I hadn't expected myself to either, but this was too much and I felt like I was flying, like there was nothing underneath me, no ground, no earth, no universe, like I would say anything to anyone if it would just make this go away.

Bella was shaking her head again, but the tears in her eyes and the red burn on her cheeks weren't letting her deny anything effectively.

"I didn't… I don't know what I was going to do then and it doesn't matter, okay? It doesn't matter because it's not just about… that stuff anymore. The vampires in Italy, the Volturi, they have their rules, that's why he… They don't like it when humans… they want me dead because I know, about vampires, dead or turned, so I can't…" Her breaths were sharp and high and the last part of her stilted monologue barely made it out. "I don't even have a choice anymore."

My heart had been pounding the whole time she'd spoken, faster and faster, more and more alive.

_It's not just about that stuff anymore._

What did that mean? Would things be different if it was just about that stuff? About love? My love for her, the things I _knew_ she had been starting to feel for me?

I stepped quickly toward her, swallowing air to speak.

"You do have a choice. You fight. Or hell, you run, I'm not above running. You said you'd leave with me once, remember? We'll do it now, pack a bag, take the rabbit. We'll get far away from here and I'll make sure you're safe, I promise honey, it'll - "

She cut me off when I reached for her hand, stepped back and wrapped her arms around her body like I'd seen her do so many times when he had been gone.

"Jake, stop it, okay? I'm not… I can't run. They'll see and they'll follow. And you can't fight them. They're really strong. Like, too strong for the whole pack."

"You don't know that, you always underestimate us." I had to struggle to say it. My chest was burning with fresh rejection, my hands just barely listening to me when I told them not to reach for her again, not again, _not again._

"I do know," she insisted. "They have special abilities, it's… Don't you think Edward would have tried to fight them if it…" She grimaced muttered something about finishing sentences, sighed. "He knows it would just be suicide."

I couldn't help a short, bitter laugh at that. "He didn't seem to have much of a problem with suicide when he got you into this…"

She didn't need to tell me to shut up. Something was changing inside me, shifting, slipping.

There was more to this, more than the horror of Bella letting him bite her, letting him steal her warmth away forever. There was more to this than _that stuff. _

The ground shook as realization tumbled around me like boulders from the sky.

"Wait so…" I choked the words out. "They're watching you?"

"Yes."

I nodded slowly, my eyes wide and fixed on the truck behind her. "They have people watching you here? Forks, La Push?"

I heard her sniffle when she said "Yes, probably."

My jaw clenched so hard I thought my teeth might break. "And they want you dead because you're a human who knows about vampires."

Bella sighed like she was exasperated. Fucking _exasperated._

"Dead or turned, yes, look Jake - "

I interrupted her and my voice was a lot louder and a lot rougher than it had ever been around Bella Swan. "When the _fuck_ was your bloodsucker planning on telling Sam about this?"

My eyes snapped to hers. She was quivering in shock.

"What? How is it - "

"_When_, Bella?" I started backing away from her. "When Emily was dead? Leah and Seth's mom? _My dad?_"

Her mouth fell open, her brown eyes lit with shock. "Oh my… I di… I… _Jake._"

She stumbled toward me, tears spilling messily over her cheeks, and I let her press herself against my side for a moment because my head was spinning with all the hideous things I now knew, because it was too much, a whole ocean of too fucking much, and I couldn't think.

When she looked up, tugged at my arm, pleading and shaking with sobs, I spoke quick and low, could barely hear myself over the blood crashing in my ears.

"Bells, I have to go phase or I'll go crazy. You need to tell Sam."

I staggered toward the trees, broke into a run.


	5. Chapter 5

I ran for miles, but I had the presence of mind – just – to do it in circles. I knew I'd get called to a meeting soon, when the pack got the news.

_News._

They'd known for weeks. Hardly fucking _news_ anymore. How dare they sit there in their big fuck-off mansion, acting like they're the only ones who matter when -

I was trying to cling onto the rage, but it was starting to splutter into something worse, something like hurt, disappointment, regret for things I couldn't have changed anyway.

_Garage, Thursday after school. _

God, those words had been like the fucking grail for me since she'd spoken them, and now here I was running around chasing my tail uselessly, waiting to officially go into crisis mode, and wondering when the hell I was ever going to get to spend more than five minutes with Bella without it ending in tears and phasing.

Was I going to get even one more perfect afternoon? Was there any happiness left? Or did it all get sucked into an abyss when _sooner rather than later_ punctured the earth? Would I be able to at least _pretend_ she didn't mean it until she actually did it? Would she _let_ me pretend?

I was thinking how it was good that wolves can't bawl their eyes out, trying to judge how long I'd been in the woods from the subtly shifting shade of the sky-patches overhead, when I got the call.

_Meeting, Paul's place. Hurry._

I found a point of grayish light and starting heading for it, shot back _Paul's place? Why the fuck are we meeting at Paul's place? It's a dump._

Nobody answered.

-----

I knew why as soon as I got to the half-crumbled front gate – why Paul's place and why nobody had answered my question.

Paul's place was in Forks. And it was crawling with vampires.

"Oh you have got to be fucking _kidding_ me."

I cursed myself for saying it aloud. They heard me, of course, and Embry caught up with me when I was halfway down the street.

He grabbed my shoulder and I shrugged free, snarled "_Piss_ off", muttered "Sorry man" almost immediately.

"Where are you going, Jake?" he asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice. "This is serious."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, _I_ know it's serious. Apparently the Cullens didn't think so. Anyway, we have the info now, what the fuck are we doing having a get-together with them?"

"They know a lot more than we do about these guys. We need them, okay?"

I made a kind of a choking sound, half as a joke, half as an inevitable response to that idea.

_We need vampires. I need Edward Cullen._

Embry sighed. "Look, it's just for now. Sam's not asking you to forge some life-long bond, so…" He sucked in a breath, like he was bracing himself for something. "So get the hell over it. Come back to the house, listen and try to help like the rest of us."

I blinked, grinned despite myself. "Whoa Embry, what the hell was that? I thought you were Good Cop."

He grinned back at me. "I am, usually. But Quil was in the bathroom when we heard you. Desperate times, you know."

-----

_The thrills just keep on coming. _

Back in Paul's front yard I was confronted with Bella, a tear-streaked, lip-biting Bella, standing in the doorway, twisting the lock back and forth.

When we stepped onto the porch she opened her mouth like she was going to say something, but then she just ducked and hurried inside.

We followed her in and I looked around for her, panicked irrationally when couldn't see her right away. Then I realized she was standing at the window behind her leech.

_Right, okay. Hide from the big bad wolf. Fantastic._

Sam nodded once when I took a seat – on the floor of course, Paul's place really wasn't too glamorous – said in his habitual calm, measured way "Nice of you to join us, Jacob."

_Oh I get it now, he's not trying out for Daddy, he wants to be Teach' in that world where my life is a teen movie cliché. _

I smiled, insincere but pretty much irreproachable. "Sure thing, Sam."

He raised his eyebrows, then addressed the whole group. "So we were just discussing the possibility that the - "

"Where's Emily?" I asked suddenly and sharply, interrupting him mid-sentence.

Sam frowned. "She's at home, Jared's watching. Your father and Sue are there too. Can I continue now?"

"Oh right, absolutely. Sorry, I was just doing a quick head-count. Making sure none of us were dead yet." I cast a pointed glance in Cullen's direction. He didn't flinch.

_Whatever Stone-cold. I'll break you yet._

-----

I shut up for the rest of the meeting, clenched my fists and gritted my teeth whenever one of the Cullens spoke - they were all there but only a couple of them said much. When we were through, one of them – the brunette hanging off Doctor Fang, I guess she was the "mother" – gave me an apologetic look. It was followed up with a dagger-stare from the pixie.

I don't think anyone was particularly thrilled with the new information we'd gathered.

Apparently these Volturi bloodsuckers had one spectacular not-so-secret weapon – some dude called Alec who could incapacitate us all in the time it would take for him to blink. And he wasn't their only asset. Basically, if they did decide to come after us we were screwed.

The other part no one was enjoying was how vague the Cullens were about the Volturi's policy on werewolves. Okay so vampires and werewolves are natural enemies. But these particular bloodsuckers were supposed to be all about the peace and quiet, like, neurotically so, which suggested that as long as we didn't start a war they'd leave us alone.

But that was assuming they didn't find out about my dad and the others who knew about us and consequently about them. And then even if they didn't, we were still basically human, most of us would choose to leave the wolf behind at some point and we weren't going to just forget about the existence of vampires. Did that put us on their hit list too?

There were no clear answers, and I had a strong urge to mention loudly how useless the meeting had been on that front.

The urge faded on fast-forward like a stain in a commercial for washing powder when a familiar hand touched the skin of my back, soft, soothing like luke-warm water…

"Can we talk?"

Bella's eyes were big and round, rimmed with red. She looked so fucking miserable and no, I'm not afraid to admit it, _so fucking cute,_ that I just wanted to scoop her up, chuckle at her ear, tell her _Cheer the hell up honey, everything will be okay._

It wasn't true though. I didn't know what was going to happen now, none of us did. And besides that, the longer I looked at her, the more aware I was of the frustration and resentment that was clouding my usual flat-out adoration.

She was smiling now, and I really couldn't see why since I was pretty sure I wasn't and I hadn't even answered her. Then I felt a light squeeze, looked down and saw that I'd taken her hand in mine.

_Screw you Adoration! You sneaky bastard._

I saw her nod at someone over my shoulder, obviously him. I forced myself to drop her hand, folded my arms.

"Can we make it quick? I have to go to Sam's, see Billy."

She smiled again, but it was weaker this time. "You ran here, right?"

I nodded tightly.

"Okay so, I'll drive you to Sam's. We can talk on the way."

I stared down at my feet, muttered "Running would be quicker," before I nodded, said "Sure, sure."

-----

We didn't talk on the way. Instead I stared out the window and she sighed every now and then. I'd never felt so awkward with Bella before. In fact, I'd never felt so awkward with anyone in my life, and that included that God-awful meeting with the Cullens I would never forget.

We were just over the treaty line when she swerved abruptly, pulled over and turned the engine off.

Then she turned to me, her hands still clutching the wheel. "Are you going to just sit there and check out the scenery with your super night vision _all_ the way to Sam's?"

I shrugged, trying not to show my surprise. "You're the one who wanted to talk. So far all I've heard is some sighing, maybe a little muttering if I'm generous."

She groaned, shook her head, then rested it on the steering wheel. "See I can't tell if you're trying to be funny or mean. I don't like feeling so confused with you."

"Yeah?" My lips twitched and I pressed them together for a moment. "There're a lot of things I don't like."

My ribs were clamping down on my lungs and I felt like I couldn't breathe, not in the front of this truck, Bella's red truck that we gave her, that I fixed up for her, Bella's red truck that she had driven up in every day when he'd been gone and we'd been –

I shoved the door open, got out and slammed it shut, leaned back against the truck with my head in my hands.

I heard her door open, close, felt her come up beside me.

"Jacob?" she asked tentatively. "Are you alright?"

I let my hands fall to my sides, shoved them in the pockets of my jeans and took a deep breath in. I didn't really know how to answer that. By the time I exhaled I'd settled for "I just… This is just all really hard… for me."

"I know," she whispered, taking a step toward me.

I looked up at her and my head, my eyes, my whole body and all the air around it felt heavy. "Do you?"

"Yeah, I do, but Jake it's not like you think it is. Being a vampire isn't the same as being a monster, not necessarily, and things between us don't have to - "

_Things between us don't have to change. Wonderful._

I interrupted her little speech, I couldn't bear to listen to any more and she had to know, I needed her to understand, I needed her to _get it._

"Do you know that I'm in love with you Bella?"

She was stiff as a board for a couple of seconds, then she sort of shuddered, like I'd said something truly awful, and I almost had to laugh, because I wasn't hoping for much of a response, but I really wasn't expecting it to be _that_ bad.

I shook my head and I guess it was enough to make her speak.

"I… Jacob…" She swallowed. My eyes were on the ground now, but I could hear the wet click in her throat. "Jake, you're only sixteen."

"Oh you're going to use _age_?" I asked, incredulous. "In that case how about 'Bells, he's only 110.'"

She frowned. "107."

I snorted. "Oh, okay then. My bad."

We both stood there, completely still and silent for about a minute after that, both of us focussed on separate patches of dirt and moss.

Finally she spoke again and it was very quiet. "Jake, I don't care that you're younger than me, you know that. I just… you're so… how do you know that you're - "

My head snapped up and I stepped away from the truck, toward her. "How do I know that I'm in love with you? How do _you_ know you're in love with _him_? I'm sixteen, Bella, but I'm not an idiot. This" I pressed my hand to my chest. "This isn't just a crush on the cute older girl. It's real and you know it."

She looked down and a couple of tears spilled all the way to the ground. I could faintly hear the soft plinking sound they made between blades of grass.

There was another long minute of nothing. We were statues again and I was frozen halfway between stumbling to her and running away.

Again she was the first to speak and it seemed to take a lot of effort.

"Jacob did you… did you imprint on me?"

I stared at her for a long moment. "What would you say if I said yes?"

She shook her head, sighed sadly, sniffled, and I'd never felt so hopeless as I did right then, when my heart thumped and fizzed at the way her little face scrunched up, even _now_ in the middle of _all this. _

Bella blinked back more tears. "I have absolutely _no_ idea."

I kept my eyes on hers, tried to make them strong, impenetrable, tried to beat my voice out thin and smooth like a sheet of metal, tried to seal myself off before I spoke so that her relief wouldn't wreck me too much.

"Don't worry Bells. I got myself into this mess the old fashioned way."


	6. Chapter 6

_Don't worry Bells. I got myself into this mess the old-fashioned way._

The conversation basically ended there. I guess Bella didn't think there was much she could say to that, and I didn't have anything to add.

Well that's not entirely true. There were a whole bunch of things I wanted to say, but they were the kind of things that would lead to tears, phasing, and well, probably her never speaking to me again.

She offered to drive me the rest of the way to Sam's, actually tried to insist, but there was no way I was getting back in that truck.

I ran, on two legs most of the way, tried not to replay the last words she'd said – _I'm so sorry, Jake, I hate that you're hurting_ - tried not to get into the inevitable wishing I hadn't said anything, then knowing I'd do it again without a second thought if the clock turned back right now, in a week, a year, twenty.

I reminded myself that all I'd wanted was for her to know, to really _know._ And now she did. I reminded myself that I wasn't an idiot, I'd never really hoped anything good would come of all of this.

But I guess I _was_ an idiot, on some level at least, because there had been a tiny fantasist in the back of my mind who had been telling me _Maybe it will be like magic, when you finally tell her, when you _really _tell her how you feel, her eyes will widen and she'll say 'Holy crow! I'm in love with you too, Jake. I don't want to be a bloodsucker at all!' then throw herself into your arms. Later Cullen will try to kill you for stealing his woman and you'll be totally justified in fighting back. You win, he's a pile of ash, Bella tends to your wounds and then, when you're all patched up, she'll tell you how badly she wants you and…_

Yeah, you get the idea.

--

School again. I couldn't fucking _believe_ we had to go to school at a time like this. The two V's were looming - Victoria, less of a problem sure, but probably just around the corner getting ready to chomp her way to Bella, the Volturi sitting around in their tower idly wondering when to deploy the troops and wipe us all out, and we weren't planning and preparing no, we were in _school_.

It would be one thing if my dad was in the dark like Charlie, but he wasn't. He knew what I was, what I did, what I needed to fight for and protect right now. Billy, Quil's parents, Embry's mom... they all pretty much knew what was going on, and yet, here we all were, sitting uselessly in math class, waiting till the bell rang so we could sit uselessly in the cafeteria.

Quil didn't seem nearly so pissed off as I was. Embry seemed sort of worried, but I was fairly sure that was mostly about me.

By now they'd all heard enough of my thoughts to know what had happened with Bella – the part about me telling her I was in love her and her telling me she was sorry. I'd managed to keep the bit about her becoming a bloodsucker to myself up to now. It was surprisingly easy to do. Whenever my mind went _there_ all that came through was a blood-soaked mess of images, sharp fragments of nightmare digging into the things she'd said, into the _sooner rather than later_ that I couldn't let myself grasp, not fully, not yet. Bella. Dead, cold, her eyes cut out and fitted with his, hunting and feeding, dripping stinking sweetness from her teeth... Bella _choosing_ that...

Nothing about it made sense to me. So nothing about it made sense to the pack.

--

_Ah, so we're back to this. Fries on a greased-up paper plate and Quil giving me shit about Jenna Carlson. _

I shook my head. "Quil, I am not asking her to prom. Get over it."

"Why the hell not?!" Quil asked, throwing his hands up in frustration.

Embry intervened on my behalf, and I had to smile.

_Looks like Good Cop is back in form._

He stole a couple of fries from Quil's plate. "Er, cos we might all be dead next week dumbass?"

Quil was not to be deterred. "We _might_, Embry my good man, we _might_. Now give me a real reason."

I rolled my eyes. "How about three? She threw up on me, I left the party, we haven't spoken since."

He started to argue with those and I held up a hand. "Wait, wait, one more. It's friggin' _junior prom._"

Quil grinned. "What, you scared she'll say no?"

I cocked my head to one side. "Nah, not so much scared as totally unemotionally certain. Quil, _I'm_ too cool for junior prom, and I'm a _junior._"

He was still grinning obnoxiously at me.

"Wanna make this interesting?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Embry took advantage of his distracted state to steal some more fries.

"Yeah, I really don't see any way your unhealthy concern for my love life could be made interesting."

"Oh please." Embry interjected indignantly. "I'm the one who's concerned. He just wants to make money out of it."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh _money_ interesting. I see."

Now you might be thinking money is one of those things people couldn't care less about when their heart is breaking, just like you can't bring yourself to eat for days when your mother dies. Myth. You can and do eat, and you still care about money when you've never quite had enough of it.

Quil cackled loudly, he knew he'd won me over. "Okay, twenty bucks she says yes."

I shook his hand firmly. "Easy money, my friend."

--

When I approached Jenna she smiled a little too sweetly for comfort. I shuffled around, tried not to look completely, like, _distressed_ to see her.

"Hey," I said quickly, forcing myself to look her in the eye.

"Hey Jacob," she replied, still smiling.

_Oh Christ, she used my name? That's not good._

I cleared my throat and spoke in a rapid monotone. "Do you wanna go to my junior prom, where everyone will be sixteen, drinking unspiked punch and swimming in streamers and heart-shaped balloons?"

She giggled at my overlong and less than enthusiastic invitation. Then she said yes. She _fucking said yes._

Well, to be precise her words were "Sure, that sounds totally cute. Um… would you like to come to my senior prom, where everyone will be eighteen and getting trashed in the limo before they even arrive?"

She was batting her eyelashes at me. I wanted to throw up, which was sort of ironic.

--

Quil laughed gleefully when I paid up. I should have known he'd been spying on Jenna and her friends, taking advantage of his super-hearing to eavesdrop on their conversations.

Fucker.

--

On Friday night I had my second meeting with the Cullens in just over a week and decided that life really couldn't get much worse than this.

I'm twenty bucks down, going to not one but _two_ proms with a future air hostess I don't even like, the girl I _do_ love doesn't love me because she's crazy about a bloodsucker to the extent that she wants to _become_ one, some of his old friends are out to kill us all with a 99.9 per cent chance of success, and I have to have weekly meetings about it with his whole fucking leech family.

_Nice._

Well not quite the whole family this time. They were all there except Dr Fang and the mommy. They'd taken a trip to the Amazon or something to "gather intelligence" – Edward's words, not mine.

What I wanted to know was why the fuck they couldn't have just taken _him_ with them.

It was kind of a stupid thing to want though. Like getting Cullen out of Bella's sight for a few days would make a difference to anything. In fact, knowing my luck, her heart would just grow a little bit fonder so that when he came back she'd be slashing her wrists and waving them under his nose to hurry things up.

She was there too of course, cloaked in his shadow, and I was pretending not to notice that her eyes were on me the whole time. I could feel her looking at me, and it was incredibly hard not to turn around, look right back at her, try to read her face, scratch together enough sadness from it to hope that…

I shook my head, quick and violent, tried to focus on Sam's voice, but he wasn't saying anything I hadn't heard before, just the same old stuff about keeping at least one wolf on no more than three humans at all times, being extra careful not to be seen when we phase, not to talk about it etc, waiting till we hear from the doc before we can plan anything solid in terms of defence or attack.

Edward dropped a few names, mentioned making some calls, and it took all my self-control not to mutter _Oh wow, you're gonna make some calls? My heeeeero._

I kept my mouth shut, took comfort in the fact that he might at least have heard me thinking it.

--

I was the first to leave. I wanted to get out of there, run to La Push without risking a backward glance, but Bella stopped me at the front gate, smiled weakly and asked how I was doing.

I answered quickly, too quickly I guess. "I'm fine, how are you?"

She shrugged, looked down at her hands. Her fingers were twisting in and out of each other and I wanted to reach out, pry them apart, smooth her hands between mine.

I didn't.

"Can I come over tomorrow?" she asked in a small voice. "I just… I was hoping we could hang out is all." She glanced up at me trying to gauge my reaction, then turned her attention back to her hands. "Um, unless it's too weird for you, I really don't want to be - "

I rushed my words again. "Nothat'syeah… We'll hang out."

I could feel my chest filling with a thick cocktail of relief and horror as I said it.

She smiled, let out a long breath. "Good. I mean, thank you, Jake. I just…" She clasped her hands behind her back now, lips twitching when she met my eyes. "We could die any day now and I don't want to do that with you… not being my friend."

I shook my head, grimaced and tried to turn it into a smile as smoothly as possible. "I'll always be your friend Bells. As long as you're… as long as you let me."

She swallowed, eyes flickering in the Cullens' general direction. She knew what I meant by that. "You mean as long as I'm - "

"Yeah," I interrupted softly. "As long as you're still Bells, I'm still here."

A sigh shuddered out of her, tears pooled, threatening to spill when she whispered "I don't know how much longer that will be."

I wanted to say a lot of things, angry things, pleading things, maybe make a joke about how I might get lucky, the Volturi might attack before she even set a date…

Cullen was watching me, the pixie too, their eyes like the bright, sharp ends of hot pokers in the darkness.

I just touched Bella's forearm briefly, mumbled "See you tomorrow" as I walked away.


	7. Chapter 7

I headed out to the garage early the next morning. I had a few things I wanted to work on, and I also had a feeling I wasn't going to get much done when Bella showed up. Before it had been easy to work while I talked with her, in fact I'd usually gotten things done faster, smoother, always on the first try when she was around. I guess that was because her presence sort of used to soothe me, make me feel content, at ease…

It wasn't like that anymore. And while I waited, trying to make myself useful, glad I didn't have a watch to obsessively check, I actually found myself sort of _scared_ of seeing her.

Yeah, pathetic.

I threw a shirt over my head when I heard the truck pull up. It was hot – well, it felt hot to me anyway - but I didn't want to seem like I was… I don't know. It just seemed like a shirt would be a good idea.

Bella popped her head inside with an uncharacteristically loud "Hey!"

She was all fresh-scrubbed and bright-eyed, like she'd woken up that morning and decided we were going to be happy again. I don't think I'd ever seen her do so much smiling, and okay so some of them felt forced, part of her _Let's be Jake and Bells_ plan, but some of them... some of them took my breath away.

She just seemed so _vibrant_ and I couldn't help thinking _You tease, letting me see you all lit up and full of life before you take it away forever._

Still, I met her grin for grin, laugh for laugh, and everything seemed a little easier between us, a little easier than it had been for the past week anyway.

Bella dragged her chair up to the rabbit, cracked open her soda and sat down, mock-complained that I'd gotten them from the fridge in the house so they were unusually cold, smiled at me about seven times while she did all that.

"So, what have you been up to? I mean aside from hunting Victoria, which..." – she grimaced – "I guess probably means aside from everything. You still look so tired, Jake."

I smiled, cast a quick glance her way before turning back to the car. "You don't."

When I didn't hear anything for a while I straightened up, looked over at her again. She was staring at her soda can like it was the most confounding thing in the world. She looked up when she noticed I'd stopped working, smiled (again). "Yeah, I actually slept well last night. I guess I was just... less... yeah."

I was staring at her now and a blush was creeping from her neck to her cheeks.

It was sort of fun, messing with her skin just by looking at her, but I decided to put her out of her misery, ducked my head and leaned over the rabbit's engine again. "Uh yeah, so, what have I been doing? Um... Well, school for one thing. And I dunno, I guess..."

I had been on the verge of saying something but suddenly it was stuck in my throat. I twisted the wrench I was holding around a few times while I tried to decide whether I should say it or not, came up blank, said it anyway. "I've been trying really hard not to be in love with you."

It wasn't strictly true, not yet, but I thought it might make her happy… Okay that's crap, I hoped it might make her sad.

I grinned up at her in an attempt to turn it into a joke, because I immediately felt bad about trying to spoil her happy-jake-and-bells plans, tried not to wonder how successful I'd been.

She laughed, short and sharp, more like a cough with a smile.

"Thanks," she said quietly.

I chuckled as lightly as possible. "You owe me one!"

She shook her head with a little smile that didn't convincingly make it to her eyes. "I think I probably owe you several by now."

I didn't say anything. Neither did she. We just looked at each other and the longer we did the closer she seemed to tears. When she looked down and away, let her hair fall over her face I shrugged, said "Well, I guess I'm mostly doing it for my sake."

She nodded behind her hair. "That's good. That you're doing it for yourself, I mean."

I thought for a moment, grinned and hoped it carried into my voice since she wasn't looking my way. "You're right. I'm thinking doing it just for you would be sort of ironic."

She cough-laughed again, brushed her hair away and sat back in her seat with a sigh. "Yeah. So, how's it going? I mean, you should, I dunno, go out, meet people or something?"

She seemed okay again now, relaxed, clear-eyed… I was relieved and disappointed at the same time.

I rolled my eyes. "Well while I do that you and Quil can start a club. He's been trying to hook me up with this girl at school for ages. I mean, she told me she wanted to be an air hostess, threw up on me, then ignored me for a couple of weeks and he _still_ thinks she's the one for me."

Bella's mouth twisted in disgust. "She threw up on you?"

I nodded, started digging around in the rabbit again. "Yep. To be fair, she'd been drinking a lot more than any 100 pound girl should, but still. Good times."

"So you're not too into her then?"

I felt a little jolt at that. My stomach tightened and I opened my mouth, tried to breathe soft and quiet, but it was hard because the question itself was... and then the _way_ she asked... It was almost like she was...

Bella reached out and poked my leg with her foot. "Jake, wake up."

"What? Oh sorry. Nah." I looked into her eyes thoughtfully, trying to see if they matched what I might have heard in her voice before. "I dunno," I said after a moment, then "Maybe."

And then I shook my head because I was being ridiculous, there was no maybe. I sighed. "Probably not. Ask me after prom."

Bella's eyes widened and I groaned. "Yeah, I know. Quil basically tricked me into asking her. Oh and then she asked me to her prom, so I guess that's two dates right there." I sighed, downed the last of my soda. "I'm telling you, it feels an awful lot like a slippery slope."

It really did. The Jenna Carlson air hostess cheerleading throwing up slippery slope of dating doom. Even if it _maybe, maybe_ made Bella mildly jealous, it _shouldn't_ because the girl was so not my type and I was busy trying to think of excuses to get out of going to prom at all when Bella spoke.

"Her prom?" She sounded confused. "I thought you said she went to your school."

I nodded, started yanking at a rusted bolt with a puny pair of pliers, thought _This is never gonna work_ while I said "She does, she's a senior though. As Quil likes to remind me. Over and over. And over. I mean really, big freaking deal. So she's older, it's not like that's why I love you…"

The chair made a sound somewhere between a squeak and a scrape and I turned to her, tried to look genuinely apologetic when I muttered "Sorry."

She was standing now, facing away from me, and I could tell from the way her elbows and shoulder blades shifted that she was rubbing quickly at her face. She mumbled "It's cool" in a low rippled voice.

I frowned, couldn't help feeling sort of annoyed. "I said I'm sorry. You don't need to cry over it."

Bella turned around, eyes wide and sort of glassy, eyebrows raised ridiculously high. "Huh? What? It's fine."

I felt my jaw clench because _seriously,_ she didn't need to make this much of a fuss.

I shook my head, tried to shake the irritation away. "Whatever okay. I'll be more careful in future. I won't even use the word love. No more love. Done." I forced a grin. "Hey maybe you should get a little jar, and whenever I say 'love' I have to put a nickel in it. I'm not exactly rolling in cash, I reckon I'd learn pretty quick."

She laughed but it sort of happened backwards, like a hiccup maybe. "I'm sorry, it's not that. You can say whatever you… I just…" She sucked her lips into her mouth for a second and her fingers were twisting around the hem of her shirt. "I just always thought we'd go to prom together, you know? Before Edward came back, I mean." She rolled her eyes, swallowed, tried to smile. "I had actually already started dreading it."

I felt my heart rate pick up, felt a strange soft-fierce burn in my lungs when she took a step in my direction, took one in hers and said low, thick, with a slight unavoidable tremble. "I guess you're safe now, honey. No more dread."

"Jacob, I…"

More steps. She had stopped at one, but I hadn't, I was pretty sure I _couldn't._ My legs were moving without me because the only thing in my brain right then was _She's not just jealous, jealousy, please, what is jealousy, jealousy is _nothing,_ this isn't nothing, this is more, she's in _pain, _she's in pain over me, over us…_

I stopped walking when I opened my mouth to speak and by that time we were close, so close.

"Do you wanna know a secret?" I asked softly. She barely nodded and I smiled. "I wasn't going to ask you anyway."

Bella took a moment to register that, then her brow furrowed and she looked down, away. She sounded so embarrassed when she muttered "Oh, okay" that I had to laugh.

Her eyes snapped back up to mine, and her expression was all cross and indignant, one eyebrow arched, her arms quickly folding across her chest.

I couldn't help but laugh again, which only made her eyes narrow.

I shook my head. "Bells, I wasn't going to ask you, but only cos I know you hate that kind of thing.

"Oh..." She looked down, bit her lip. She was embarrassed again and I was about to laugh again when she asked "Who would you have taken then?" A smirk ghosted at the corners of her mouth when she added "The vomiting stewardess?"

I groaned. "No, god. Um, nobody probably. It's kind of lame anyway, junior prom. I figured maybe if you wanted to we could have just done something together instead, like..."

Wait a minute, why the hell were we even talking about this? It was like some bizarre sado-masochistic game and fuck it, I didn't want to play. All my cute little plans didn't mean a damn thing anymore and she knew it, she knew it because it was her choice that made all of this irrelevant, so...

"What would we have done?" Bella asked, cutting into my thoughts.

I blinked. "What?"

"What would we have done instead of prom?" She looked up at me with a small smile and it was sort of wistful, which I took a couple of seconds to adore before I thought _You have no fucking right to be wistful you're the one who took it all away._

"I dunno, Bells. I was gonna..." I pressed a palm to my forehead, closed my eyes. "Jesus, how can you make me talk about this stuff? Do you have any idea how much it _hurts?!_"

She took a step back and her arms tightened around her body again, which I guess meant I'd raised my voice a little too much for her. She spoke in short clipped bites. "Yes. Maybe. It hurts me too."

"Right, okay, we're all hurt, great, so let's just... not. Let's just..." I threw my hands up, focused on the wall when I asked "Seen any good movies lately?"

"Jacob! You can't…" It was sort of a shriek and a sigh, and then suddenly Bella was wrapping her arms around my waist, pressing her face to my chest, saying "I can't stand this, Jake."

"_You_ can't stand this?" I spoke softly even if the words were bitter, let my arms snake around her body, keep her close, keep her with me.

"Bella you don't even... I feel like I'm going to fall to fucking _pieces_ any minute. _I'm_ the one who can't stand this. I can't take you leaving me, leaving everyone when you go and..." I sighed heavily, let my chin drop to her hair. "I love you so much, you have no idea. I'm so fucking in love with you Bella and you don't even love me so don't tell me you can't stand - "

"I do." Her protest was muffled but I heard it clearly, felt it vibrate through my body. "I do love you Jake."

I closed my eyes, braced myself for the question, for the answer it would bring. "How?"

She pulled back and looked up at me and the way her lips quivered, the way her hair was stuck in the tear-tracks on her pale cheeks made me want to smile and forget all of this, all of it, just pick her up, spin her around and _be._

"What do you mean?" she asked in a small, fluttery voice.

I swallowed, brushed the hair from her face while I readied myself again. "_How_ do you love me? As a friend? Like I'm family? Or the way I love you, where I want to run away together, see every minute of your life, know every bit of you, where I want to kiss you so badly it hurts?"

Her breath seemed to stop completely for far too long, and she was snow-white when she said "That one. That last one. That."

My breath stopped just as hers came out in a gasp.

She was staring at the ground with this entirely horrified look on her face, shaking from head to toe, and this wasn't the way things were supposed to play out, that wasn't the way I'd dreamed of her saying she loved me...

But it was good enough.

I leaned forward, took her face in my hands and kissed her, not hard, not wild, but quick and sure.

Bella opened her mouth and reached for me.

It was hands down the greatest moment of my life thus far.


	8. Chapter 8

This was not what I'd imagined kissing Bella Swan for the first time would be like. Not even remotely.

I might actually have been a little scared if I wasn't too busy trying to match her passion whilst keeping some kind of a lid on mine. It was a tricky thing to do, it was really, really…

Her cool hands slipped under my shirt - _just a little, it's okay, it's just a little_ - and I almost choked because -

_I'm kissing Bella Swan. _

- I was really, _really_ kissing Bella Swan, and she was kissing me back, lip for lip, lick for lick, pressing her whole body to mine, and it was all a little more each time, a little more, a _lot_ more...

Suddenly it was a lot more, but I honestly didn't realize what she was doing till my shirt was bunched up to my neck.

I was so much bigger than her, all it took was for me to stand up something resembling straight and her lips fell away from mine, I was far enough away to get this straight, far enough away to figure this out, far enough away to look down at her while her eyes flitted quickly back and forth from mine to my chest to my stomach to my chest to my eyes again with this low, heavy-slick, hooded look, with this… _look_ and I...

I pulled the shirt over my head in a split second, maybe less than a split second, a millisecond, something like that, yeah, and Bella's hands were on me again almost as fast as mine could get to her.

It was slow for a moment then, and if I'd been forced to choose I'd probably say it was even better, slow, smooth, like the easiest thing I'd ever asked my body to do, we were calm seas just for a moment when her mouth opened around mine, closed around mine, closed around everything in me...

Then it all seemed to come rushing back, everything that had propelled her into this in the first place, and she was rushing with it again like if she didn't run she'd run out of time, and her fingers were moving constantly at my shoulders, breath fluttering in time with her eyelids...

Pretty soon Bella was trying to... It was like she was trying to get something done. She was making little cross struggling sounds and I almost wanted to laugh, because she seemed so determined to… to what?

She kept reaching up, hooking her arms around my neck, they kept slipping and she kept sort of surging at me again, almost like she was trying to hoist…

I found myself grabbing her hips, pulling her into my arms. Bella wrapped her legs around me quickly, pressed her mouth to the corner of mine with a low _mmm_ sound that I hoped meant _Yes, that's what I wanted you to do._

And it must have been what she wanted, or at least close enough, because she was squeezing herself around me, into me, more and more, and I kept thinking – well, not thinking exactly, more swimming around with the quick words in my head… and then no, not even words, not really, just the echoes, just the light flickers of vibration in a chasm, yeah, just the echoes, the original sound never happened, it never happened…

I kept thinking she had to stop soon, she would stop soon, slide down my body to the balls of her feet to the floor, smile, blush, cry, laugh hopelessly, cover her face, say something like _I don't know why I did that_ or _I love you, I love you_ or _I have to go_ or just _something. _

Any second now Bella would stop opening her mouth into mine, pouring hope into it, teasing my heart with her tongue…

But she didn't stop, she just clutched at my shoulders in this sort of desperate way that made my chest rise up into a sweet burn, she just tightened her legs around my waist, my hips, somewhere in between, gasped out something that might have been _Oh my God_, when I ran my lips along her neck, breathed in the scent of her hair…

_She smells beautiful, so beautiful, it's different when you're this close and never, never, I've never been this drunk on it before, the way she smells, the softness of her body…_

Bella seemed to mirror me, drew the scent of my skin into her lungs, scattered out _Jake_ a couple of times, and then she was kissing my neck and her hands were in my hair and then…

And then I couldn't even hear the echoes.

I was moving, backing toward something.

The wall, maybe, yeah, the wall, it was the wall.

I hit it with a dull thud and I could swear Bella's mouth curved like a smile when mine did.

I kissed her a few times, top lip, bottom lip, cheek, neck, nose, wherever, turned us around, shifted one hand down low, the other up behind her head before I pressed her up against the bricks, pressed myself up against her...

For the first time it felt like I was in control of this thing we were doing, which was sort of ironic, since I'd never felt more out-of-control in my life, never, not when they'd put mom in the ground, not when I'd phased for the first time, not when Bella had said _Sooner rather than later..._

I'd never felt more out-of-control than I did at that moment, and when Bella dipped a hand down between us, sucked on my lower lip, pulled lightly at the button of my jeans...

It wasn't just a little more, a lot more... It was too much.

I tried not to shudder when I set her down, wondered briefly whether I should be smiling or not when I said "Bells..."

_She_ smiled which made my decision for me, ducked her head with a quiet "Sorry" and a blush that made her Bella again.

Once I'd decided smiling was okay I couldn't help chuckling a little because the whole situation, everything that had happened in the last couple of minutes was just... I couldn't find words for it.

I stretched up, rubbed a hand over my eyes, behind my neck, muttered "Um, I'm pretty sure you don't need to apologize for any of that stuff."

Bella bit her lip and her face quivered with tiny half-smiles. "Well, maybe just that last part. It was... a little much."

"Maybe just a little. I don't have that much experience with this stuff."

"Me neither," she said quickly, then she rolled her eyes. "Which I guess is probably kind of why I went a bit... yeah."

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

I had always figured she and the bloodsucker might not have gone all the way, because that would just be... how would that even work? But then wouldn't lack of experience make you _less_… forthright? And she must have done… stuff, you can't be with someone and -

"I can't do anything like that with..." She blushed again, shoved her hands in her pockets, spoke her next words like they were a weary routine. "We have to be very chaste. For safety, you know. So I guess I just... got a bit crazy for a second."

I stared at her for a moment and I could feel streaks of uncomfortable heat on my face, an ominous prickle at my eyes that seemed to match.

_No, no, no, I refuse to understand that, I can't..._

"So you..." I swallowed, but whatever was stuck in my throat almost wouldn't go down. I could barely get my mouth open to speak, my eyes were on the far wall, I couldn't even think of looking at her anymore. "I guess you must get pretty, like, sexually frustrated, huh?"

I didn't see what that did to her face but it seemed like it took her way too long to get out a shocked reply. "What? No. I... I mean... That's not... I..."

_Please, please, please. Please finish. Finish it with the right words, big ones, huge ones, I need huge words right now, please Bella, please..._

When I finally dragged my eyes back to hers, they weren't on me. They were fixed on the floor like they'd been earlier, and she had that same horrified look on her face as she'd had before, when she'd said she was in love with...

Well, sort of. It hit pretty hard right then that she never actually _said_ it.

She'd said she _loved_ me, but then when I'd asked...

_That one. That last one. That._

Hadn't I left the kissing part for last? I wanted to run away, see her, know her, something like that, and then... I wanted to kiss her so badly it...

That had been the last part.

_That one. That last one. That._

_Oh God. _

"Oh God."

I'd said it out loud.

Bella looked up at me quickly, stuttered a few more useless half-words.

_Finish, finish, please, please... _

I shook my head, said thickly in some disembodied voice -

_just an echo, the original sound never happened, it never happened _

- "I really, _really_ have to go. Right now. So I'll see you another time. I really, _really_ have to..."

I guess I couldn't finish things either. I walked briskly to the house, sort of slid actually, like the grass was a long pocket of air.

Then I was inside, in the cool dim familiarity of the hallway, about to lock the door when I heard Bella's truck start up, thought _Why bother._

A few seconds later I ducked into the kitchen, leaned over the sink with sick, heaving breaths, threw up convulsively and laughed at the same time because it made me think of Jenna Carlson and how I had to take her to prom.

When my stomach settled I washed my mouth out, splashed the water on my face to cover for tears, even though there was no one here, so really, what did it matter, _Why bother._

I sat down at the kitchen table, rested my elbows on the surface, my head in my hands, took stock.

My freakishly healthy body had just violently expelled whatever the hell it was I'd had for breakfast and it had done so as a direct consequence of my first kiss.

I felt myself grinning stupidly, rubbed it away when I rubbed at my eyes.

_Focus, we're taking stock here._

I'd just had my first kiss with the first girl I ever really loved, hell, my first kiss _ever_, and it had been _insanely_ hot, like, way, way beyond your average Friday-night-at-the-front-door-under-the-porch-light meeting of the teenage lips...

It had been a lot more, too much more, so much more that it had emptied itself, spewed all the _thatonethatlastonethat_ out of itself and become... It had become...

I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, opened them again because you need your eyes open if you're taking stock.

Bella had wanted to get... a little crazy.

I'd been willing and able.

_He_ wasn't.

I gritted my teeth and my gut bulged when I thought _Not while she's still alive anyway._

_---------_

I wasn't sure how much later it was. I'd sort of zoned out, gotten caught up in the cracks in the table-top.

I liked them, they were relaxing.

But now Quil was in the room and I'd have to leave the cracks for later.

I looked up at him and it seemed easiest to go with an annoyed expression.

"God, don't you knock?" I asked. "This isn't a hotel, dude."

Quil's forehead crinkled, his eyes squinted and widened like they had minds of their own.

He looked bizarre.

"Sorry. I did knock, Jake. I'm pretty sure I knocked for at least thirty seconds," he said in a soft voice that wasn't his.

_Is he being Good Cop now? _flashed quickly, trivially through my mind.

I was going to snort and make a joke about how I could have been naked in here, but something in the weird-ass look on his face made me ask "What happened?" instead.

"Vampires," Quil said. "The redhead, and... other ones."

I stood up, shook my limbs out, clenched my fists, squared my jaw.

"Where? What's going on? Did we get any of them yet?"

Quil nodded slowly. "Yeah, the redhead. At least... I think we..." He shook his head. "Listen we have to go, everyone's at Sam's place. Everyone..." He trailed off, stared at the floor.

I'd never seen Quil not… finish things. He always finished whatever he said, he usually added more till he annoyed the crap out of me.

"Quil," I said, trying to keep my voice even, ignore the ice thickening at my spine. "What the fuck is going on?"

He didn't look up, just shifted his eyes from side to side a couple of times.

"Embry found them. Or they found him. Or something, we don't..." Quil swallowed, finally lifted his gaze.

"He can't tell us anything yet."


	9. Chapter 9

Embry lay sprawled out on Sam and Emily's bed. His eyes were open but unseeing. His mouth was pale and hung loose, wreathed with sweat and spit.

As I stepped into the room, it felt as though the air was rushing out of it. My face burned like a quick fever hit it and for a few seconds all I could hear was the heavy, muffled thump of my own heart.

I closed my eyes, opened them, saw that his limbs were trembling, so slightly and consistently that it would be imperceptible to an ordinary human. But I saw it. I _felt_ it through the floor, shaking into me like a sickness.

_A sickness._

It struck me then that I couldn't see anything that was wrong with Embry. Well, not the kind of wrong I'd been bracing myself for. From what I could make out his body was whole enough. There were pale scratches along one arm, the ghost of what must have been a pretty impressive gash above his jaw-line, but I'd been expecting carnage, I'd been expecting him to be -

I winced, lost my train of thought completely when he suddenly convulsed, stomach clenching and rolling, the veins in his forehead bulging, a strange discordant moan choking out of him.

That was when I noticed Leah Clearwater. Her hand shot out of nowhere – _out of nowhere? Was she here all this time? What is she_ - and grabbed hold of his and she held tight till he settled into that equally terrifying almost-stillness again.

I noticed her and it was as though that was her cue to notice me too.

When she looked up at me her face was completely impassive, her eyes were steady and bland, emotionless, but I could see that they were thin too, pinched and tinged with red, and I could swear I saw track-marks on her cheeks.

Leah cared. On some level she cared about Embry. On some level Leah cared about us. The thorns in her side, the objects of her cruel amusement, her brothers, her pack.

Leah cared.

I might have been more surprised by that thought under normal circumstances. But these were far from normal circumstances, and I knew that if there was anything that could crack even the hardest heart, it was seeing a good person in this much pain.

So I wasn't surprised, not really. Nevermind all the crap she'd dished out over the last few months, somehow this, Leah at Embry's bedside, holding fast, seemed sort of obvious.

_Of course Leah cares, of course. _

She didn't say anything to me, just nodded slightly. Then she stood up and left the room and I dragged my mind kicking and screaming back to the overgrown boy lying prostrate on the bed before me.

I took a few deep breaths, sat down in the chair Leah had vacated, stared at Embry for a moment before my head fell into my hands. Finally I forced myself to look at him again.

"Embry?" I swallowed the dry squeakiness out of my voice, squared my shoulders. "I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can, you're gonna be okay. We'll fix this. And then we'll burn the fuckers who did it to you. I swear. There'll be purple haze for miles."

My face felt strange and it took me a moment to realize I was smiling. I actually had to touch my mouth and cheeks to figure out what was happening there, because why the fuck would I be...

_Purple Haze. Halloween three years ago. Embry dressed up as Jimi Hendrix, wig on, shirt off, except he was still a skinny kid back then, skinnier than the rest of us even, and the (acoustic!) guitar he'd borrowed from school? He couldn't really hold it for long periods of time, let alone play, but yeah, he just kept strumming while Quil snickered and messed with the strings, Embry kept on strumming, living the dream, fucking hilarious, really, he'll never live that down, he'll never – _

Reality threw itself at me, tackled the memory, ground it into the pitch. I held my breath, then tried to let the air out slowly, carefully, before sucking in a fresh wave.

Then I leaned forward, closer to the dead-alive boy on the bed.

_Embry. My best friend. _

"Just... just keep hanging in there. You have to, you know. Because I seriously wouldn't be able to take Quil without you around. Good cop, bad cop, yeah? You can't have one without the other." I shook my head, suspected I was smiling again. "Well… you definitely can't have bad cop without good cop, that would _suck._ So just… just keep on hanging in there. Okay?"

Nothing.

Something stupid inside me was half-expecting a reply.

--------

We ran to Paul's place.

We ran to Paul's place to meet with the vampires.

The wrong vampires. The Cullens weren't the bloodsuckers I wanted to be face to face with right now.

Or... ever.

But that wasn't the point, I didn't care about that. The Cullens were the Cullens and I was meeting with them, whatever.

This was different. Really different.

I wanted the leeches who'd done this to Embry and I wanted them now. A part of me was hoping we'd run into them before we could even make it to Paul's, even though I guess, considering what they were capable of, I should have been afraid.

I couldn't be afraid. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything but rage.

I wondered if it was the same for the others. They all seemed pretty normal, but then I had a feeling I seemed pretty normal to them too.

Quil didn't seem normal.

He stayed behind in La Push with Emily and Embry. Sam said it was so he could protect them in case of an attack, but I noticed he spoke quietly with Jared and he stayed behind too, outside the house in the shadows.

I guess Quil might not have been much use in a fight. He wasn't really... functioning properly. It was sort of like he was just not-there.

Shock, I guess.

Even if he'd come to the meeting, I was pretty sure he wouldn't have heard anything.

_I don't know if you can hear me, but…_

We ran to Paul's place.

We ran to Paul's place in silence because nobody was thinking or nobody was listening or both.

--------

The meeting was brief. It consisted of Sam describing Embry's condition and Edward Cullen telling us something I'd been trying to tell myself for a while.

"It's not physical then, not exactly."

His eyes were wide, his voice was a melodic shuddering, and for just a moment I thought he was going to freak the fuck out.

But he didn't. One of the others stepped up behind him, the blonde one with the scars, and he seemed to compose himself.

He looked down at the floor, murmured "We are dealing with the Volturi."

The pixie had been hanging off Scarface's arm and she looked smaller even than usual when she stepped away, whispered "Jane."

"Not just Jane," Edward said with a quiet and weirdly offputting deliberateness. "Alec. They're both holding him."

Paul stood up so fast that everyone in the room jumped. "They're not holding him. What do you mean they're _holding_ him? They're nowhere near him, we'd smell the _stink._"

Edward smiled humorlessly, probably reading a more personal attack in Paul's ever-rage-prone mind.

He spoke flatly, with a resignation I really, really didn't like.

"Once they… get a firm grip, it doesn't matter where they are. They could go anywhere and still hold him."

He looked up and his whole body seemed to lift. "I need to find Carlisle. Emmett and I will leave at once."

"Leave?" Sam asked. "Can't you just... call them?"

Edward smiled the same creepy-ass smile again. "Alice? Can I just call them?"

Alice closed her eyes, sighed. "No. They're too far in already. No reception."

Edward nodded slowly, met Sam's gaze.

"Emmett and I will leave at once."

--------

I was walking toward the trees when I sensed Bella behind me. It was a strange thing, total deja-vu and yet so different.

Everything was so different.

I stopped walking, swayed, closed my eyes like that was going to balance me, caught the soft, mellow scent of her, listened to the crinkling sound her sneakers made on the wet grass.

It was only when she spoke that it hit me.

Bella had been in the meeting. She had been in the meeting, small and wide-eyed, right between Edward and the pixie. She'd been right there and I hadn't even noticed.

I felt myself swaying again, opened my eyes as "Jake… I just wanted to..." played like music in an elevator far, far away.

She trailed off and I took a deep breath, turned reluctantly, _really_ reluctantly because _Oh God. Here it comes. _

The forced attempt at comforting me, at being my friend despite everything and comforting me because this is a crisis and that's what friends do.

I could barely bring myself to look at her and when I did the concern in her eyes cut like a carving knife in butter.

_That's what friends are in a crisis,_ concerned.

Bella sighed, stepped forward and lifted her arm like she was going to touch me, then seemed to think better of it, tucked both her hands behind her back.

_Right. Because friends don't touch in a crisis. Got it. They only do that when one of them is pathetically in love and the other really, really wants to get laid. _

"I just wanted to say I'm so, _so_ sorry about Embry, I can't even… I can't explain how sorry. And also I... I really..." There was a long, heavy lull in the elevator music before Bella finished with a whispered "Thanks," pressed her lips together tightly and swallowed, her hands still clasped behind her back.

_Thanks? What did that…_

I peered into her eyes and felt my mouth curl back into something that was probably ugly as I got her meaning.

"You're thanking me for not thinking about what happened this morning around your leech boyfriend?"

I waited even though I didn't need an answer and she was only giving me silence anyway. The ugliness morphed into a grin that I was pretty sure looked worse, harder, more hurtful, more hurt.

"Why the hell would I be thinking about _that?_ Embry is my best friend. He's... he looks out for me, you know. He cares. He's all... _concerned_ and stuff, because that's what... and... And this whole thing has sort of made me realize that there are things that are more important than trying to get some girl to love me back. There are things that are more important than trying to save someone who doesn't want saving."

The whole time I'd been speaking I'd been more and more aware that I was going too far, talking too much, too loosely, with too much anger, I was being a drama queen and I knew it and it was all too much and it was pointless and stupid, and I knew it but I still couldn't resist the punchline.

"Embry didn't ask for any of this and he's the one who's paying for it."

I was panting afterward, even though I hadn't spoken too loudly or too quickly and hell, I probably had enough breath to get me across the state and back without stopping.

Bella's hands had crept out from behind her to cross over her body with a bittersweet familiarity I couldn't quite put my finger on right now.

"Are you done?" she asked in a voice that was small but tough, twitching, a taut wire. "Because I'm pretty sure I've got it."

My fingers rippled, an unbearably tender ache rose unexpectedly, inevitably in my chest. But my face kept it together, closed and defiant, and I said "Yeah, I'm done" as I turned to leave, let it have all the double meaning it damn well wanted.

Bella followed me with angry half-whispers. "Jacob, just stop it, _God._ You know I didn't mean you'd be thinking about me the whole time, when your friend is… That's not fair. I just thought it might have been hard not to think about what happened _at all_ with us both in the room like that. But apparently it's really easy, so… good for you, that's handy, I'm sure."

The way she said it made it seem like she was envious.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm sure it won't be so easy once we're all out of mortal danger. But that kiss wasn't exactly something I… I'm doing my best to repress the memory."

"What? Why?"

All I could do in response to that was blink a few times. Then she glanced nervously behind her and my eyes were rolling again.

"They're already miles away. Trust me, like Paul said, if they were still around I'd know."

"Right..." She relaxed visibly, sighed when she caught my expression. "I am going to tell him. I mean... I can't keep that kind of thing from him. It's not right. So I will tell him what happened. Just... haven't really had a chance." She looked up at me and swallowed quickly. "Because of the more important stuff."

I shook my head. "Bella, look, you can tell him. Or you can not tell him. Either way I can pretty much guarantee you that if I have any control over it I won't be thinking about what we did. So you don't have to - "

She interrupted me, brow furrowed, arms tightening around her body. "Why not though? You didn't answer before and… I don't... I mean I know we didn't end things the best way but... Was I..." She looked down at the ground with a strange smile. A couple of tears that matched it perfectly ended up her in little fist. "Was it really that bad?"

I felt my eyes narrow to slits, spoke sharply.

"Bella, don't give me this crap. It was the most humiliating experience of my life. And I bet I'll still be able to say that in fifty years."

She took a step back, eyes widening, then blinking around more tears. "I know I went a little far, but it - "

"You _used_ me." The interruption was a bit too violent, but she was driving me crazy with this quivering-lipped coy act, it was too much, on top of everything it was _too much, _and now she was staring at me like I'd just told her I killed a family of four and their puppy too, and it just made me angrier, at her, at myself.

"You used me," I continued, "and that would be okay, whatever, but I actually thought you really _loved me_ for a few seconds there."

Her face twisted and there was a significant delay between her mouth opening and words coming out.

"What? What are you... Jacob I do love you. I said so didn't I?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, sort of. But it didn't mean what I thought it meant. Or maybe it didn't mean _anything,_ I don't even know anymore, Bella. Maybe you just..." I cocked my head to one side, threw my hands up, "You just wanted to get a little crazy remember? Do all that stuff you can't do with the guy you _really_ care abo- "

Suddenly Bella took two or three quick steps, till she was right up close in front me, glaring up at my chin, gritted out "I want to punch you so badly right now."

I snorted, because _she's_ glaring, seriously?

"Go ahead. Really, feel free. I mean, you may as well use my body as a punching bag too. In for a penny, in for - "

Bella jumped on my foot. Not just stomped, _jumped. _

"How _could_ you?"

Her jaw was still clenched, her whole body trembled. I don't think the act of violence had brought her much relief.

"Shouldn't that be my line?" I asked, shaking my foot out, shaking my head in confusion. "I mean, Jesus, that actually sort of hurt."

She ignored my words, but her eyes stayed fixed on mine, welling with hurt and pure fury.

"How could you insinuate that I just wanted to use you for sex? _What the hell kind of person do you think I am?_"

I folded my arms, felt my eyes narrow again because _please_, who did she think she was kidding?

"Um... the kind of person who didn't say anything when I insinuated it the first time?"

Bella was white now. Paper-white and still livid.

"Well that's because I didn't think that's what... I never thought you _really_..." She shook her head quick and sharp, her nose wrinkled in disgust. "_You_ left," she reminded me. "I was confused and freaked out and yeah, I should have said something, I know that, but I'm not good at… words, not like that, and you're the one who ran off, and _really_ Jacob could you not have had a little more faith in me than to just assume I..." She shook her head, pulled her sleeves over her palms and wiped at her wet cheeks. "You say you love me so much, but you don't even trust me to _not be that person._"

She kept rubbing at her eyes, soaking fresh tears into the cotton.

I was too stunned to react.

I was stunned because she had a point. Bella really had a point.

I was so used to being right. Well, right about this stuff anyway. I was used to being the injured party and setting her straight, but this time... This time, regardless of her mistakes, I'd really been an idiot. I'd been a judgmental, hysterical idiot and I hadn't even remotely seen it till now.

Whoa.

"I would _never_ treat you that way, Jake." she whispered, still reproachful but softer now. "I won't pretend to know what it means, but I kissed you because I felt..." She pressed her hand to her chest and when she let it drop there was a tiny darkened patch from the tears on her sleeve. "It was about you and me."

I just stood there, trying to think what to say, running through a thousand possibilities, when really there was only one thing.

"You're right. I'm sorry," I said finally, in an awkward stilted voice I wasn't accustomed to using. "And... I'm sorry about just now, too. It's... this thing with Embry is just... too much, and I'm not really sure I can... But you are important. To me. So I'm sorry."

My heart beat heavily a few times before Bella took my hand in her damp one, said "I'm sorry too."

I looked down at our fingers, smiled dumbly at the simple gesture.

Bella smiled too, but there was an unmistakably miserable sigh attached to it that dragged her gaze down to the ground.

"I really don't know what I'm going to do, Jake."

I shook my head slowly, then grinned, swung our arms a little till she looked up at me and rolled her eyes.

"Hey, cheer up, honey. On the bright side your agonized confusion over this is… really, really good news for me."

She groaned or laughed or something in between, tugged on my hand, pulling my arm around her, pressing her face to my chest.

I hugged her tightly and it was the most soothing thing in the world.

"We'll get through it." I whispered into her hair. "We'll get through all this first. The Volturi. Embry. And when everything is okay again... Well, then I guess, if you really, really want to, you can break my heart."

Bella stomped on my foot again, though with a fraction of her earlier energy, muttered a soft, strangely sweet "Shut up, please."


	10. Chapter 10

It was late.

I went up to say goodnight to Embry.

_Goodnight, not goodbye, goodnight._

I went up to say goodnight to Embry and Bella insisted on coming with me.

She didn't make it further than the doorframe. I heard a tiny sound, something between _oh_ and a plain exhalation, turned around just in time to break her fall.

It was a strange, quiet disaster, almost silent, and nobody came running, nobody gasped or shrieked.

Quil, slumped in fragile peace over the end of the bed, didn't stir.

There was nothing.

It was just me and Bella, her eyes shut, her cheeks paler than pale, her breathing steady and light.

Just me and Bella and the floor.

I didn't move. I didn't shake her. I didn't call out for help. I just held her for a little while in the doorway, because after all, her breathing was steady and light, and she was close to me and we were quiet and okay.

Everything was okay.

I tried to ignore the dim, gruesome flicker in the corner of my eye.

Embry's body twitched and keened somewhere in the periphery, far away, far, far away, with the faint hum of nothingness falling from his lips, over and over and over…

I held Bella closer, pressed my cheek to her forehead.

Everything was okay.

--

It wasn't long before I left, a couple of minutes, no more. I picked Bella up, walked downstairs and out the door without a word. I was pretty sure nobody saw us go.

I should have talked to Emily, told her and Sam that Bella had passed out in their house. I really should have.

I told myself I didn't want to bother them, they had enough to deal with… And it was true to a certain extent. But I knew deep down that more than anything I couldn't stand the idea of letting Bella go right now, of handing her over to Emily to be taken care of and given tea and pillows and reassurance.

I could give her those things. Right now, I could be the one to give her those things and it would be like before, before the cliff, the almost-kiss, the trip to Italy, the horror that followed her back… It would be like before. Back when I had been Bella's sanctuary, I had been her relief…

The sad fact was that I slipped out of Sam and Emily's house clutching Bella to my chest like a thief because whatever else was going on I couldn't bear to waste this time I had with her. With Edward gone –

_Away, you idiot, not gone, just away._

- I could almost pretend that Bella was mine.

And it wasn't before, it was after, it was _happily ever -_

Fairytale bullshit aside, cliffs, kisses, trips… They had all ended in Bella being mine.

I could tell myself these things because he was… _away._ I could tell myself these things because of the way she'd held my hand less than an hour ago, because of what she'd said…

In this fantasy _I really don't know what I'm going to do_ wasn't just a bittersweet sliver of confusion, it wasn't just guilt and affection, nostalgia and the fear of letting go. In this fantasy it meant there was a real _decision_ to be made, a fresh choice, bold and unfettered. It meant that he and I were on equal footing, we were on equal footing till he slipped and she ran to me and then it was over and we were a safe thing, now we were safe, I was safe, everything was okay.

I took Bella home to my house, up to my room, laid her on my bed and waited, poised with a glass of water and the cushions from the couch.

--

Finally she opened her eyes.

It hadn't actually been that long, maybe ten minutes, maybe less, but it had felt like forever.

Once the strange shocked stillness that had come over me at Sam and Emily's had worn off, once the haze of fantasy had lifted, I'd begun to panic that there was actually something wrong with Bella and my mind had started racing with _What do I do if she doesn't wake up? Do I shake her? Would that hurt her? You don't shake babies. Oh for God's... Bella isn't a _baby. _I know, I know... Wait. Smelling salts. Do I get the smelling salts? Do we own smelling salts? What the hell _are_ smelling salts? Would table salt work? ... Idiot. Okay. Okay. Do I slap her like in the movies? Jesus, no, she's so small and I'm so… _Jesus,_ I could wind up giving her a concussion. Shit. What if she already _has_ a concussion? No, no, no, you broke her fall, it's okay, she's okay, she just fainted that's all, stress, a long day and Embry was, he was so, and I, and Embry and Embry and…_

"I'm sorry."

Bella's voice was slim and distant, her lashes fluttered blearily between the syllables.

I took her hand, squeezed it gently before moulding it around the glass of water.

"Have a sip if you can. I think you're supposed to sip water post-fainting. It's the thing to do."

Bella frowned, propped herself up on one elbow, and brought the glass to her lips.

I leaned back against the wall, pressed my shoulders to the soothing coolness of the stone.

She sipped slowly, so slowly I started to wonder if she'd fallen asleep sitting up with her eyes open and holding a glass to her lips. But eventually she brought the glass back down to her lap, stared into it.

She looked so small. A tiny girl on a sea of sheets…

My bed was a queen-size, a gift from the pack when I first joined. Bed-giving had become a tradition upon initiation now, a nod to the insane growth spurt you went through to get into the club. It seemed a little unfair that they were dishing out even bigger ones now that the pack had more members and consequently more money. Still, I don't think I would have been able to handle a king-size – my room was mostly bed as it was.

As if to illustrate that point, I peeled myself away from the wall and found that all I had to do was lean forward to sit down opposite Bella. She sighed when she felt the weight shift, still staring into her glass. I reached out and ran my thumb along her forearm a couple of times.

"What happened honey?" I couldn't help but qualify that, couldn't help but smile with it. "I mean, I know you fall down a lot, but you usually trip over something first."

Bella didn't roll her eyes or laugh, she just sort of nodded at the joke to acknowledge it, looked up at me, repeated "I'm sorry…" added "It was the blood… I…"

I shook my head, felt my hand slip too easily, inevitably down into hers. "He's fine. I mean, his _body_ is fine. There wasn't any blood, Bells."

"I know. I'm sorry," she said again, some contradictory mix of despair and resignation welling in her eyes. "I know, I know there wasn't any blood but it..," Her fingers pressed into mine, her lips pressed against each other for a moment in a hard, white line. "I know there wasn't any blood on him but it felt like the whole room was full of it."

My chest tightened. Her face made every part of me ache, the crack in her voice scratched at my eyes.

Suddenly I was leaning forward, taking her in my arms, too quickly, too close, without a thought. I hugged her body to mine. She didn't move.

When I released her there were little rivulets spilling in and out of each other all over the sheets and her hands.

"Oh. Sorry."

I took the glass from her, reached over and set it on the nightstand.

Bella dabbed half-heartedly at the wet patches for a moment, and then, without warning, her chest heaved, broke into a series of too-loud sobs, broke into my heart like something unbearable, too-high, too-hard...

I took her in my arms again and she yielded to me more easily now that she wasn't trying to nurse her glass of water between us.

My hands were tight at her back, feeling her ribs rise and fall in shudders I was trying to still. I whispered "It's okay, honey", felt her mouth and nose move side to side at my shoulder.

When we broke apart she was still staring at me with that same look, panic or disappointment, panic _and_ disappointment, both, like I didn't understand about the blood and she _really_ needed me to.

But I did understand. I knew exactly what she meant.

The blood was everywhere. It was everywhere, even if we couldn't see it, that room stank of it, even if all we could smell was sweat and spit, slipping and drying, sweat, spit and Emily's washing powder.

The blood was everywhere.

And what Bella was trying to tell me was that it was on her hands.

I shook my head slowly. I wanted to sigh, roll my eyes, say something like _Bells, I am waiting for the day you tell me you've found out your Great-great-grandfather was friends with some German guy, and you therefore feel personally responsible for the Holocaust. _

But I knew she didn't want jokes tonight. She couldn't really _process_ jokes tonight.

I spoke quietly and simply.

"Bella, it's not your fault. You couldn't have predicted that - "

"Yes I could have." She lurched forward suddenly, grabbed onto my hand again, my hands now, both of them. "Yes, I _could_ have. If I'd stopped for one second, I… I could have. And… _Edward_ could have too. He _should_ have. There were children in the square, Jacob, _children._ I saw them but I didn't _see_ them because I could only see… And I didn't care… _He_ didn't… There were children in the square in Volterra and now there's Embry in Sam and Emily's bed, and I should have known and _he_ should have known, Jacob. _Edward should have known._"

Her lips fell apart as the last words wheezed out of her. Her eyes grew wide. I think she was holding her breath. I might have held mine too.

_One one thousand two one thousand three one thousand four –_

She blinked twice with a strange deliberateness, mouth open like someone who'd just been punched in the gut.

Then her grip on my hands slackened and the deep, warm sound of her heartbeat and mine swam back to my ears.

Bella shook her head, her shoulders fell, the corners of her mouth curved up in something that wasn't a smile.

Then she sighed, took her hands back gently from mine.

"I'm sorry, go back to him, Jake."

Her voice was firm, even if her hands still shook a little. Her gaze met mine unflinchingly with barely a hint of its earlier intensity. She seemed determined to be calm.

"He needs you and I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for passing out like an idiot, giving you one more thing to worry about. I'll be okay. Go be with your friend."

I smiled. I _think_ I smiled. I was still reeling from what I'd just witnessed, unsure what exactly had just happened.

_Something_ had happened. I was convinced of that much. Bella's face… The look in her eyes, all black and blue and lit up with horror… It was like this morning, right before she'd kissed me, it was the same -

"Jake?" Bella interrupted my thoughts, shoving at my knee impatiently. "Go."

I nodded slowly, then shook my head.

"I can't."

She folded her arms, pursed her lips around "You have to, Jacob," and I would have laughed at the sight of it. Any other day I would have laughed.

Instead I just sighed, went back to running my thumb along her forearm, something I was pretty sure comforted me more than it did her.

"I can't go to Embry and I can't stay here. Not right now. I have to patrol with the others."

Bella's eyebrows shot up and her hands gathered the bedspread in soft, clawed chunks. I gripped her forearm instinctively, felt each muscle tighten and twitch under her skin while she muttered "No. You can't do that, Jake. You'll end up like… No."

"Bells, I have to. We're two men down and I - "

"Exactly!" she squeaked. "Two down, Jacob Black to go! Are you _crazy?_"

She looked away guiltily right then, like she knew she wasn't being fair. I bit my lip against a grin, because she was basically pouting now and it was incredibly cu-

…

Yeah. Even now.

I ran a hand through my hair, lifted the other from her arm to follow, but she grabbed it tightly in hers, held it.

I smiled, rubbed at my eyes with my free hand.

Suddenly it dawned on me that I was really, really fucking tired. Too tired for debate, however cute the pouting was.

"Come on, Bella, you know I have to. If they can do that to Embry, who is a freaking _werewolf_, how do you think their mojo is going to affect ordinary people?"

She cocked her head slightly to one side, lips pursing crossly then pouting again.

I waited a moment, pushed a little harder. "Embry's mom? Your dad?"

Bella quivered at that, shifted her grip from my hand to my wrist, then closed her eyes, let go.

When she opened them again they were empty of anything but exhaustion.

She smiled but it didn't fill them.

"Okay."


	11. Chapter 11

_Thump thump thu-thump thump thump thu-thump_

Paws thudded. Steady, stealthy, just the slightest crackle in scrub and dead leaves.

My vision blurred - before my eyes, behind.

I was flying. I was inside the earth.

--

It had to be past midnight.

I was patrolling and Bella Swan was in my bed.

I wondered if she was asleep. She had to be.

It had to be past midnight and she had to be asleep.

--

Maybe she was waiting for me. Soft, lithe, alive, alone...

--

Midnight. Asleep.

Was she having nightmares?

Was I?

What else could I call these sleek, lurid images swelling into me even as I ran and ran

(even as the smooth, mellow taste of her tongue lingered on mine, my hands on her hips, her lips at the hollow of my throat...)

--

I see Bella in my bed.

Too small, taut, tender, choking on something I didn't quite understand before.

Her eyes are wide now, her hands gripping mine, digging and digging, ripping into me till she strikes blood –

_Eureka!_

- the whole room is blood, wall to wall, everywhere and she's…

--

Bella stands at the head of the bed.

I'm holding her in the doorway and she's standing at the head of the bed, sucking on cherry-stained fingers then pressing them to Embry's cherry-stained jaw.

Suck, press, suck, press.

_- cherries, strawberries, straw and tall grass, a pale green dress, bare feet and her hair falls softly in the sun, softly, softly -_

She watches me the whole time, and I'm always pulling her closer, digging my toes into the carpet, hiding in the softest curve at her collarbone...

--

I'm hiding and Bella is standing at the head of the bed with Embry, sucking, pressing, whispering messily "I'm sorry. I _need_ this, Jacob. I'm sorry."

I want to get up, go to her, pull her off Embry, clean her face, her fingers, tell her she can borrow a sweatshirt and it will be okay, it will be okay because it's hot and her things will dry so fast, softly in the sun, softly, softly…

--

I want to get up, go to her, tell her those things.

But she's too heavy in my arms and it's too late anyway.

I can hear my mom calling out to me -

"Black-bear! Up! Then down! Now!"

- and I'm thinking _Well it has to be morning and it has to be a school day._

I shake my head slowly, because that's not right.

Bella sucks and presses. Mom calls out to me.

"Blackie! I already started the car, baby. There's eggs on the engine! They'll burn if you don't hurry up, you'll be in Cereal City!"

_Cereal? Oh dear_ God _no!_

That's it. That's all it takes. I'm pulling myself out from under Bella and it's hard because she's heavy on my chest, so heavy, but then it's done, I'm free and I'm crawling to the top of the stairs.

My skin is prickling.

My heart is thumping –

_Thump thump thu-thump thump thump thu-thump_

- My heart is thumping and there's something magic rushing in my lungs, not air, no, better than that, a thrill, wider, sharper, bright, sick, searching, soaring, searing…

"Mom!"

It comes out in a whisper and all I can think is _Pathetic. Like a _baby.

I claw at Sam and Emily's carpet. Bella's voice rings out from the other room.

"Jake! Get down there! You're missing _everything!"_

_Suck, press, suck - _

I press my face down, reach out to the banister but it's so far away, so far…

"Jacob!"

Bella again.

_Bella again. And again and again and again and again and again and agai-_

"Jacob! _Hurry!_ You're _missing_ it! There are flames _everywhere!_"

--

Something I fairly quickly identified as Sam's tail collided with my head. Hard.

His accompanying thoughts were as simple and swift.

_Go home._

_No_, I thought with aggressive deliberateness. Then _Ha. One syllable. And you thought you were hot stuff with two._

Sam didn't dignify that with a response, and I can't really say I blame him. It was sort of creepy though, how he was able to simply not register or react to crap, even in his thoughts.

He repeated his command, with minimal elaboration.

_Go home, Jacob. Now. You're distracting everybody._

I rolled my eyes and my body threatened to veer with them.

I shook myself, head to tail.

_Oh right, I'm _such _a distraction. Leah you better watch your back, I'll be stealing your crown._

There was a murmur of something like _Uh huh, good luck with that, princess_ from either Leah or Paul or both, and it seemed that with it the floodgates opened and there were thoughts _everywhere_, like someone was pulling cotton wool out of my ears, even though they were fine, I could _hear_ just fine, so I guess it was more like, you know, someone was pulling cotton wool out of the ears in my mind…

_'The ears in my mind.' That's a good one. What else do you keep in there, Black? Your _balls?

_… seriously wish she'd just SHUT UP like mom told…_

_… pretty funny. Funny girls are hot. Well. Hot funny girls are hot. Yeah…_

_… disgusting, she's my _sister. _And she's… evil. Okay not Hitler evil. Yet. But whatever, mom has no…_

_… I wish I wish IwishIwishIhateyou. No, there's no one. It's nothing. It's nothing. He's nothing. They're nothing to me. I don't…_

_… so gorgeous. How did I never notice how _gorgeous _she is? And it's not like we… _

Ugh. Right. I'd been distracting everyone from _this_? All I'd been doing was thinking _my_ thoughts to my_self_, which, apparently, was fine and dandy for everyone else to do. What the hell! Why was I the only one who wasn't allowed to think now?

_You can think, Jake! He's gotta be allowed to think. Cos yeah… Everybody thinks. Well… not Sam. Or he does but just… really quietly. Or something. How does he… _

Seth's thoughts were drowned out by Jared's.

_… all you like. Just don't… think about Bella Swan in your bed. Not to mention all that other fucked up stuff. I don't even know where you were getting some of that stuff from, it was like – _

Sam interrupted with the psychic equivalent of an exasperated sigh.

_He wasn't thinking. He was dreaming. Which is why he's going home. Same goes for any of the rest of you who can't keep your minds on the job. _

A bolt of rage shot through me at that.

_What the… I was just… How dare you?! _

He was acting like I didn't care about catching these bloodsuckers just because I was tired. Yeah, I was _tired_. Big fucking deal, that didn't mean I was some useless deadweight who didn't even care enough to -

I shook my head, struggled to focus my thoughts and keep a lid on my anger. I wasn't going to freak out and embarrass myself. I was just going to tell him. Simple.

_I'm not going home Sam. You can't make me. I'm in this. _

Sam didn't answer, well not in words anyway, and I couldn't help thinking how weird it was to hear a dismissive grunt in somebody's thoughts. But that was Sam. Weird. _Fucking weird._

_Yeah, you heard me. Weird as hell and it's not like anyone asked -_

_Jacob, home. _

I bristled, inside and out.

_No fucking way._

I think I actually growled when I thought it. Somehow Sam's calmness, his self-control inspired the exact opposite in me. It was starting to become a pattern, actually - if he was tense, I was loose, he let it go, I got fired up, it was like -

_Go home and get to bed. _

I wasn't going to respond to that. I was just going to keep on running. There was no way I was letting Sam win on this one. Embry was my best friend and I wasn't just going to -

_Home. Bed. It's an order. _

There was a brief pause in which he read my submission –

_My submission? Did I just actually _submit? _Fucking… fuck… FUCK _

- probably before I did, then he added _And you're going to bed to _sleep, _Jacob. _

…

If I'd tried to speak in response to that, it would have come out as a splutter.

_What the… Oh my… How can you… I'm not going to… Bella's not… It's not that kind of…_

Paul spoke up in my place, but he wasn't exactly helpful.

_Yeah Sam, be reasonable. Just because Jake thinks about it 24/7 doesn't mean it's gonna happen. Ever. _

Exasperated sighs, dismissive grunts, and now, ladies and gentlemen, smug, self-amused grins. You can hear all of these in people's thoughts. Isn't that _wonderful? _

I found myself skidding to a stop, turning back to cut Paul off.

_Fuck off, asshole. Go dream about getting Bitchwater naked some more. _Fuck _off. _

Everyone fell silent, like their thoughts had been frozen by the power of my wrath.

It was sort of awesome.

I was congratulating myself on rendering Leah Clearwater speechless in particular when Seth started thinking again and rained on the parade.

_It was her turn to circle back through La Push. She must have phased back… If it's any consolation, I actually think she'll be really, like… genuinely sorry she missed it. _

_Eh, Paul can fill her in. Then maybe get her nekkid. _

Jared snorted in amusement to punctuate that thought, then went back to obsessing over some girl named Kim and why they'd never talked before because they were sooo in love and it was amaaaazing and blah blah blah…

My eyes narrowed. Jared and his girlfriend could fuck off. Sam could fuck off. Paul could fuck off and take his jokes with him.

_Oh come _on_ man, lighten up. I was only telling it like it is. We both know Bella Swan has some very _– he paused for effect - _special needs when it comes to dudes._

Just then Leah barked a sharp laugh, was welcomed back with a chorus of _'Oh great's_, and _'Just what we need's. _

She shook it off with a line or two from a song about water and ducks' backs and _I've heard that too, Paul. Now let's see, what were these needs? No pulse. Murderous past. A penchant for flowery prose. I don't think that's you, Jakey, sorry._

_Shut the fuck up Leah - unless you want me to get started on the murderous past thing?_

_No kidding. You'd better be careful, he's fierce tonight!_

Leah flew past me with _Ohhh, Tyra would be proud!_ Paul followed. Seth was already far ahead with Jared and Sam.

I realized I'd been standing still this whole time, and when Sam's thought found me, I had a horrible feeling that something inside me had been making me _wait_ for it.

_Meeting. Tomorrow, Paul's, Three PM._

_… still think it would be cooler if we all said 'fifteen hundred hours'. Why doesn't anybody here ever listen to me?_

_Uh… because you're like three feet tall and your voice hasn't broken yet?_

_What the… screw you, Leah! Ugh, why is she such a… _Ugh. _I'm ready for this, everyone knows I am. Hello, if I can phase that kind of means I'm old enough to, oh I don't know, _phase._ I mean, duh. I'm in this pack fair and square and my voice never cracks anymore, so everyone can just…_

_… and now it's like blondes don't even _exist. _I mean seriously, Buffy is doing nothing for me anymore, and that's gotta mean…_

_... missed it. He called you Bitchwater. It was hot…_

I phased back, pulled my shorts on, headed home in some kind of peace.

--

I was half asleep again when I caught Bella's scent and almost stumbled with the shock of it, even though I could see the house and I'd known she'd still be there.

Billy had called Charlie before I'd left and asked if it would be okay for her to stay over, since it would be safer for Charlie if she stayed away from the house as much as possible and especially at night. Of course that wasn't what he'd told Charlie. I'd overheard something about Embry and an accident and a long day… I wasn't sure exactly what he made up, but hey, Charlie didn't have any reason not to trust Billy's motivations, and even if I'd been the one doing the negotiating he probably would have let her stay without a second thought. After all, as far as he knew, there was nothing between Bella and me. Nothing besides my pathetically obvious unrequited love.

But there was more than that now.

There was the memory of her lips on mine, tainted then untainted. I'd been pushing it away almost since it happened, cringing from something I'd thought was sick and rotted through… But now it was fresh again, full, soft, up close against me, up close and sweet like she had been then, exactly like she had been then…

There was that.

And there was the look on her face when she'd said _It was about you and me. _

I closed my eyes as I reached the gate, found her in darkness, her tear-stained sleeve clutched tight at her heart.

I caught myself smiling.

It was amazing how quickly Bella could pull me back in. A sliver of hope and suddenly she was all I could think about…

And I really shouldn't have been thinking about her at all.

I felt ashamed when I remembered Embry's face, rigid and wild, yet so empty… His hand stiff in Leah's while his body raged against him…

I felt ashamed that I could feel anything like happiness or hope at a time like this.

--

I glanced at the clock in the hallway on my way inside. My vision was blurred and grayed-over, but I could see that was sometime after three in the morning.

I was summoning the strength to get up the stairs and check on Bella when she appeared in the doorway to the living room.

So she wasn't upstairs and she wasn't asleep. After the day she'd had, she must have been exhausted, but she wasn't tucked up in bed where I'd left her. Of course not. She was downstairs in the dark, eyes wide open and staring up at me, her jaw clenched, arms wrapped tight, fingers digging into her arms.

_(digging and digging, ripping into me till she strikes blood – )_

I smiled, whispered "It's way past your bedtime, Bells," and she slackened visibly, like a puppet whose strings had been cut. Her body was suddenly just a jumble of limbs hurtling toward me and then she was in my arms, or rather I was in hers, wrapped up impossibly, ridiculously in a much smaller person.

I almost laughed at the mental image of us. I was like... the barbecue, Becky and Rachel bought for Dad a couple of years back. And Bella was the last scrap of Christmas paper.

She pulled back sharply, like she'd sensed I was grinning stupidly - or maybe she'd just felt my chest rumble a little -, folded her arms again and raised an eyebrow.

I started laughing properly at the sight of her, but it got sucked into a yawn-vortex, never to be seen again.

I stretched my arms up to the ceiling, let my head fall to one side. "So. You gonna tell me why you're not busy getting that sleep we talked about?"

Bella blinked a couple of times and the second eyebrow shot up to join the first. "Um… cos I was a little _out of my mind with fear?"_

"Silly," I mumbled sleepily, reaching out to take her hand. "I told you one of us would be looping back through La Push the whole time. You were safe, Bells. Well, as safe as you get these days."

She didn't say anything for a moment and I was thinking _Come on, she's gotta drop your hand soon, that's the way it works. Any minute now. One… Two… Three… Three and a half…_

Bella's fingers squeezed mine, and she stepped closer, resting her head against my arm.

"_You_ weren't," she whispered.

My heart twisted. The room tipped and righted itself.

I took her other hand in mine, pulled her into my arms. I was the wrapper this time, which, really, made a lot more sense.

I was the wrapper and I was smiling again when I said "What are you talking about? I had a kick-ass wolfy protector too. _Me._"

--

The next and last words spoken that night were "Stay with me" and they weren't mine.

I'd led Bella back upstairs, given her some sweats and a tank top that I'd dug out of the boxes in the bottom of Rachel's closet, watched her crawl under the covers.

Then she'd said "Stay with me".

We took opposite sides of the oversized bed, and in those dim moments before sleep came I thought to myself that she was so tiny that it was almost like any other night.

Almost.

Even if we weren't touching, even if I could barely feel her weight on the mattress… I knew she was there.

Bella was here with me, in the darkness, curled up, frightened and confused...

I could _feel_ her worrying.


	12. Chapter 12

Okay.

So Bella and I took opposite sides of my oversized bed.

One way or another I guess that just… didn't take.

Because when I woke up she was in my arms.

One of her legs was hitched up over mine, one hand nestled at my ribs, the other hanging limply from an arm was slung across my chest. Her face was resting on my shoulder, her breath tickling my neck with a relentless regularity that would probably have been irritating if it hadn't been _Bella, God, Bella asleep in my arms. _

I couldn't really see her face. I strained, peering down over my chin… There was only a pale blur where her features should have been. But her breathing was steady, her body collapsed and heavy in rest… She seemed peaceful. She _felt_ peaceful, and I couldn't help imagining a soft smile on her soft lips, felt my heart pulse and thrill.

That was a mistake. The imagining. It was a mistake because it turned out to be a _very_ slippery slope. My breath and my brain took turns egging each other on and pretty soon I was imagining all sorts of things about Bella, things like her mouth closing wetly against my skin, her fingers brushing down my side, grasping my hip, while she pulled herself closer, pushed herself closer, breathed in heavy-light murmurs, _Jake, Jake,_ because I was touching her too and she was...

It was only then that I realized that having paid special attention to where each of Bella's limbs had ended up during the night, I hadn't bothered to figure out what was going on with mine.

My left arm was curled awkwardly above my head. That was okay. A little cramped, but okay. It was my right arm that was the problem. The shoulder and upper arm were weighted down by Bella's head, I'd established that already, by default. But I was just now noticing that the elbow was bent, the forearm reached around her and down, and my hand was…

My hand was on Bella's ass. Not only that, my hand was _under Bella's sweatpants on Bella's ass._

I swallowed hard, torn between two pure instincts – get my hand the hell out, and, well, _squeeze. _

I did neither. Which I think was mostly because I wasn't really capable of any kind of movement, barring the too-quick rise and fall of my chest and an occasional, increasingly persistent twitch from my left shoulder, through my ribs, my stomach, my groin, my thigh, to the tips of my toes… and neither of those were exactly _mine_. They belonged to the blood thrumming hotly in my veins, to Bella's breath at my neck, both devious puppet-masters making my body tighten and jump in ways I couldn't control. _I_ did nothing at all, just lay there, breathing hard, and even though I was like a frozen thing for the most part, I was pretty sure I was starting to sweat.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, I moved my hand, just slightly. And with the movement a whole world of sensation opened up. I could feel it now, _really_ feel it. The smooth, thin fabric of her underwear. It was cotton, or like cotton, but silkier, and I wondered what it would be like to look at, whether it was really as transparent as it felt, a flimsy white sheen, that's all – in my mind it was white, it had to be -, her whiter skin glowing through it, then darkening in the middle at the front, darkening like soft storm clouds...

My index and middle finger shifted just barely, almost imperceptibly, and I pressed my lips together, closed my eyes, breathed in swiftly through my nose when I realized they were in two places at once, like a bridge, a bridge to fucking _heaven_. The length of them covered her underwear, but the last joints of each were placed over the slightly thicker seam, and the pads of those two fingers, fucking _triumphant pads_, were on her skin, the secret, perfect, _completely naked skin of Bella's upper thigh._

Holy crap!

I shifted my fingers again, one last time, this was the last time, I was sure of it... I shifted my fingers just the tiniest bit, and when Bella wriggled, pressed back into my hand, buried her face in my collarbone, let out a small, contented sigh... When she did that, I realized there was a slim yet horribly real possibility I would become the butt of a thousand teen movie jokes if I didn't do something about this hand-in-pants situation pretty quick.

I breathed in slowly, held it, then whipped my hand out at lightening speed on the exhale, wound up yawning as I did so, like my escape was some kind of reverse at-the-movies seduction technique. I think I was trying to appear nonchalant, in case Bella woke up. But she didn't, not right away. She just sighed again, stretched further across me, touched her fingers to my upper arm, _squeezed,_ and I thought of my hand which was no longer on her ass and how badly I'd wanted to -

"Mike Newton..."

She muttered it like a half-question and I frowned.

_Mike Newton? Sir Puke-a-lot from the movies? What the – _

"Rather die..." she mumbled, and "Anyone but you..."

Her eyes fluttered open as she said that last part, blinked sleepily, and widened with a short gasp.

"Jacob?!" She lifted her head. Her eyes widened further.

I found myself grinning at her, because really, this was sort of funny, and the _Shock! Horror!_ of her face… _priceless._ And yet I was on tenterhooks, my throat grew narrow and full in that moment after she said my name, and my voice quavered appropriately when I answered with "Morning."

Bella pulled away sharply, I grabbed her hand with a quick string of "Hey, hey, hey." She stopped pulling and looked at me with this sort of _sulky_ expression and I couldn't help grinning even wider when I said "_Relax_, Bells. You kept your pants on."

(I figured it would be best not to add that my hand had apparently been down them half the night.)

Bella was curved above me in a tight bow. Her lips trembled, the tendons in her neck jumped, her eyes filled with tears… She wasn't just adorably sulky anymore, she was _upset_, and my throat was too small again, my chest constricted unbearably.

"I..."

She left it hanging there for a moment, as tight and as tense as she was. Then she said "I have to..." and started to pull away again.

Panic flooded my body. Why had I _moved? Ugh._ We could have stayed together, jumbled up like I wanted us to be, like I needed us to be, and she wouldn't be upset like she was now. We could have stayed that way a little longer at least if I hadn't moved and she hadn't _woken up._

I tried not to think about how pathetic that last part sounded, even to me, kept firm hold of her hand and tugged on it, whispered "Wait, please. Just another minute. Stay with me for another minute, _please?_"

Bella shook her head, her brow furrowed, tears threatened to spill forth. But then slowly, in stiff, aching shifts, she collapsed back onto the bed, back onto my arm, not quite as close now, more my elbow than my shoulder, one hand still curled at my ribs, the other clasped tightly in mine.

I let go, and her hand retreated, coiled in to meet the other one. But she didn't get up. I turned on my side to face her and smiled. It seemed like she was trying to do the same.

After a moment, when her breathing had settled more or less, I took a risk, a big one for such a small gesture, lifted a hand between us and stroked her cheek. She kept still and it felt like a minor miracle.

"This is good, right?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said softly, and in such an ironically miserable way.

I tucked her hair behind her ear, untucked it, ran my finger down its silky path along her skin. "Cos we could be like this all the time, you know. Every morning. Just like this." I smirked, averted my eyes briefly as I added "Only more. Sometimes. If you wanted."

Bella's lips quivered into a smile it seemed she couldn't quite trust, one eyebrow arched. "If I wanted? Such gallantry, Jake."

I laughed lightly, coiled her hair around my finger and watched it slip away. "You sound surprised." I whispered, my eyebrow arching just as hers had done. "What do you think I am, Bells, some kind of deviant?"

Bella's smile widened, and her eyes flashed brightly, teasingly. "Yeah, well, I dunno if you want me to answer that question."

I laughed again, louder this time, and Bella's face reddened, she bit her lip, looked down at her hands curled against my chest, and her lashes were almost flat against her cheekbones, darkening softly, like storm clouds over the pale sheen of her skin…

It was too much. It was far too much. This was a thousand times worse than her underwear. A thousand times worse… The way her cheeks flushed, her teeth catching her lower lip, breaking a smile that was pink and full… The way only a moment ago she'd been so uncomfortable, so upset she'd been about to cry, and now she was… She was lit up again, _beautiful_, smiling because she'd made me laugh, it had to be me, there was no one else, I'd done this, I'd _made_ this, this loveliness that was in my arms, I'd been the one to make her -

"I'm having a really hard time not kissing you right now," I whispered suddenly, surprising even myself.

Bella's eyes met mine and her mouth formed a little 'o'. I groaned because it was so cute it only made things worse, laughed, muttered "Sorry" into the sheets, showed my face again before I was quite able to wipe the delirious grin off it.

I'd expected her to be glaring at me. Hell, I'd expected her to be halfway back to Forks by now. But she was still there, still warm against my arm, and she didn't seem angry, even if her eyes were filled with tears again.

"It's okay," she said, in a strange, careful way, "I mean… I know."

She lifted a hand up between us, pressed it to my cheek, again strangely, carefully, and the sudden and unlikely intimacy, her initiation of it, nearly made me flinch. But I kept still, for the most part, I think, tried to stop my pulse thumping, keep my breathing steady, keep things under control. Bella stared into my eyes for a long moment, with dizzying intensity. Then she drew her hand away, heavily, closely, along my jaw, dropping to my shoulder, close and heavy, dropping to the sheets.

It might not have seemed like much, but it was the most erotic experience of my life to date. I was breathless.

"I know what you're feeling," Bella said, "I can..." she trailed off, shook her head. "But this is wrong. We can't just lie here like this. _Together._ It's wrong, Jacob."

She was getting ready to pull away from me again, I could feel it in the slight tension that had crept into her body, her muscles drawing together in preparation for the move.

I felt my lips form a hard line, realized I was hurt, realized that _This is wrong_ hurt, and hadn't she said this was good before? And if it was good, how could it be wrong?

I ignored the holes in that argument, tried for levity, grinned when I said "Speak for yourself, Bells. Personally I don't really have a problem with screwing up your relationship."

Bella pressed forward onto her hands, sat up. "Really?" she huffed, clearly not seeing the humor, "So you think it's okay to mess around with another man's fiancée?"

"He's not a _man_." I retorted, sitting up too.

"Oh _shut up_, you don't know what you're talking about, Jacob. You need to understand that Edward isn't - "

"Fiancée?" I interrupted her in a low disbelieving whisper. That word, that small word she'd thrown into the mix... It had just rolled off her tongue, trivially, easily, and I suppose it was because it had just been so small that I had barely noticed it at first. Now it ripped through me, tore out again in a second, harsher whisper as I slid across the bed and grabbed her arm. "_Fiancée?!_"

Bella nodded.

My eyes left hers and I searched her hands, left and right just to be sure, because you never know, maybe Cullen had some polish ancestry or some shit and didn't they wear it on the other hand? My eyes searched her fingers, found them empty, swept quickly to her neck, looking for a bump under her tanktop, a chain slithering over her shoulders...

Nothing. I was relieved. It was so stupid that I was relieved.

I swallowed hard, let go of her wrist. "I don't see a ring."

Bella nodded again. "I haven't exactly said yes yet."

"Yet? But you're..." I shook my head. I couldn't believe this. _Fiancée_? The small word was still giving me a lot of trouble, it stuck like a cancer at the back of my throat, dividing and multiplying, yeah, like a cancer, it would split and double till my throat was closed over and I couldn't –

"Bella, what the hell is going on?" I asked. "You're _eighteen_. You haven't even finished high school yet. How could he even ask you, I… I don't get it. It's just..." I laughed a sigh, sat back on my knees, "… stupid."

Bella slid off the bed slowly, stood up, smiled without a trace of warmth. "You're right," she said, "It is stupid. It's a stupid condition."

"A condition of _what?_"

Bella took a long time to answer and the longer she took the less need there was for it. By the time she'd said "He won't turn me unless we're married first" I was already there, back inside that nightmare, the nightmare of _Sooner rather than later_, the nightmare of Bella, Bella in my arms, at the head of the bed, her mouth red, not with cherries, not with picnics and sunshine and green dresses, no, with _blood_, with the blood of my friends, with the blood of _what I was_.

I leapt off the bed, frantic now, took both her hands in mine as I said "Bella listen to me, please, don't do this. You don't have the _right_ to do this. You can't just... after everything... You're going to just become one of them? One of these things that are hunting you? One of these things that I'm protecting you from?"

Bella's gaze hardened, she pulled her hands out of mine, hid them safely behind her back. "This is what you don't understand, Jacob. I wouldn't be a _bloodsucker._ I'd be a _Cullen_."

I rolled my eyes. "Right, because they're so different."

She started to say something, something like "Yes, Jacob, they're - ", but I interrupted, stepping closer to her till her chin tilted up and mine dropped.

"Tell me they've never murdered anybody, Bella," I said thickly.

"Carlisle," she said, "Carlisle has never killed a human being"

"Right," I scoffed, "Because he's only the one who made all the rest of them."

She started to object, the beginnings of "He's not responsible for…" and "He didn't have a choice, they were…"

I cut through it with a sneer. "What about Edward? What about your _fiancé_ who's such a _man_."

"He's..." Bella stepped back, stumbled a little over a bump in the carpet. She steadied herself, squared her jaw. "He's only ever killed bad people."

_"Only bad people?"_ I asked incredulously. "Do you even _hear_ yourself?"

"Murderers and rapists, Jacob," Bella protested angrily, "And it wasn't about the bloodlust. It was _him_. He was... he was _protecting people._"

"Right, okay. So he didn't eat them then?"

When Bella didn't answer, I muttered "Only bad people," again, followed it with a sharp laugh.

Silence. There was only the sound of our breathing. There was only a spot on the far wall we were both staring at.

Finally I sighed, more shuddered really, resumed pleading, a little less violently now. "Bella, please don't do this. If you want to be with him... I can't... I can't _make_ you want me. I _try_. But if it's not enough, I... Just don't marry him. Don't marry him so he'll turn you into what he is. If you love me at all, you won't do - "

"Stop!" Bella shrieked, covering her face with her hands. "Just _stop it_. We've been through this already - now is not the time to be talking about this. When it's all over, with Embry and the Volturi, then we can talk. _Then_. Okay?"

I folded my arms. "You can talk if you like. I won't have anything to add."

That was true and it wasn't. She knew everything I thought, everything I felt. All the things I could say that might, maybe, change things, I had said already. But at the same time, I wasn't done. It felt like I would never be done. I wanted to tell her again and again _You're stupid, you're selfish, right now you're not half the person that I _know _you are._ And I wanted to tell her, again and again, _I love you,_ and, _Please,_ and _Don't leave me..._

Bella threw her hands up. "Fine! Look, Jake. _Please_, can we not be fighting? It's just not... we_ need each other _right now!"

"I don't just need you _right now_, Bella."

It sounded dark and wounded, and a tear slid down Bella's cheek. "Oh come on, you _know_ that's not what I meant," she said in a voice that was dark and wounded too.

I wasn't sure what to say to that. Because yeah, I knew that wasn't what she'd intended me to understand just now, but at the same time, with the way this conversation had gone, it seemed like it might be exactly what she meant, in the long run it might be exactly what she intended for me, for us... Right now and nothing more. Nothing more, forever…

I wasn't sure what to say so I didn't say anything, just unfolded my arms, folded them again, stared at the floor, felt Bella staring at me.

Moments passed. Then she asked if she could take a shower.

I looked up at her, counted to five in my head, then stood, walked briskly out of the room, felt her follow.

Left. Rachel and Rebecca's old room. I fished around in the cardboard boxes they'd left behind, pulled out a teeshirt that read 'East Seattle Swim Team', walked back to the hall, handed it to Bella. She took it.

Downstairs. Down the hall then right. The laundry. A towel.

Left. The bathroom.

I opened the door and handed Bella the towel. She took it and smiled tentatively.

I walked away.


	13. Chapter 13

Bella took a long time showering. A really long time. I would have been worried if there hadn't been a totally plausible explanation for it. She was avoiding me, of course. I couldn't say I blamed her.

But maybe it was more than that. Maybe Bella was being clever. Maybe she knew that the longer I sat in the kitchen waiting for her, the more my anger would abate, the more I'd start to dwell on her head on my shoulder, her soft, calm breath tickling my neck...

The less I'd think of _fiancée_ and the more I'd think of _It was about you and me... _

I sighed. Now was not the time to be acting like this, not with this decision looming, not with yes or no and the rest of her life on the tip of her tongue… And not when even as she pushed at me, even as she pulled herself away… she was reaching out too, reaching out to me in new and thrilling ways and… I couldn't shut her out now, I couldn't fold my arms and glare and send her running back to the _Cullens_.

Hating Bella would make it too easy for her to hate me, and that would make her choice too easy… And even if it wasn't _hate_, not really, because it could never be that, _never_… even if it would pale in time for both of us, slip inevitably back into love and hurt, and hurt and _love_… Even if this rage was just a short-term effect, things generally seemed to move pretty damn fast where Bella and the leech were concerned…

So I couldn't be angry. I couldn't take that kind of risk. Not when it could wind up meaning forever. And not when, _fiancée_, and _sooner rather than later_ aside, there was more hope than there'd been since Italy, maybe even more hope than there'd _ever_ really been... because she was different now. She wasn't waiting for him anymore. And she wasn't broken. She wasn't waiting or broken anymore and she still needed me… she _wanted_ me.

Bella wanted me. I told myself that three or four times as I stood up, opened the fridge.

Butter. Eggs. There was a half a loaf of bread on the counter. Toast. I got to work.

---------

Nearly a whole half of another hour had passed by the time Bella walked in. She was sort of shuffling in really, sticking close to the wall, pulling nervously at the hem of her _East Seattle Swim Team_ shirt, and I felt a surge, a terrible, beautiful surge of love for her, had barely said the words "I made breakfast" and she was in my arms.

We held each other tightly, clung to each other the way mothers cling to their sons at train stations in old war movies, and Bella whispered "I'm sorry," and "This whole time I've been being such a _bitch._"

I laughed. She really made it too easy. "Got any Quileute blood in that little, white body, Bella? Maybe you're joining the club."

Bella groaned at the gag, told me to shut up, shifted, reached up higher, and I felt her arms tighten around me again deliberately, a second hug, as long and as healing as the first had been.

After a moment I sighed and said "I'm sorry, too" just because it felt like the thing to say.

I heard the dull wince of my dad's chair before Bella did – she didn't have super-hearing and anyway she was oblivious, her face pressed against me, ears cloaked by her long brown hair.

I heard Billy coming but I couldn't bring myself to pull away.

"Good to see you kids kiss and make up. Well, I think I missed the kissing part, but it's better that way for all of us, now isn't it?"

Billy's voice was loud and full of mirth, and Bella jumped back somewhere between 'Good' and 'to see', grabbed the kitchen counter, breathed out with a soft whooshing sound.

"Funny, dad," I muttered. "You should take that on the road."

Billy grinned. "My wheels? Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell the damn government." He shook his head with a brief chuckle. "But no, it's _all_ about the cyclists."

I snorted, equal parts amusement and derision. Bella giggled nervously, mumbled "I hate cyclists."

"Don't we all?!" Billy agreed enthusiastically, "Scourge of the earth, I say."

He beamed, taking in the small feast I'd laid out on the table. "There enough for three?"

I handed him a slice of toast, turned to grin at Bella. "Not really. But Bella hardly counts as a person when it comes to eating."

I reached over and ruffled her hair. She shrugged out from under my hand, rolled her eyes, smiled.

---------

After breakfast, Billy pointed out that it had really been more like lunch.

He sighed, looking at his watch. "Only a couple of hours till the meeting."

"Shit, seriously?"

Bella frowned disapprovingly. Billy didn't bat an eyelid.

I couldn't believe it was that late in the day. Although I guess it had been gearing up for dawn when Bella and I had gone to bed.

_When Bella and I had gone to bed._

Warmth coiled inside me, the room felt light.

Billy yawned, like he was the one who'd been up half the night, glanced around the room, eyebrows raised. "I'm assuming Jake made breakfast, and that's why the kitchen's a battlefield."

Bella smirked. I nudged her knee under the table.

"Well," Billy said, yawning again, "Sue's dropping by to pick me up. Probably already out front so I'd better run." He grinned at the irony of the phrase. "Gonna have a beer before you younguns show up. I'm gonna need you to clean this mess up pretty fast, son. And the laundry room. Place is like world war three."

I groaned. "Can't it wait?"

"Nope." Billy smiled smugly, wheeled himself away from the table and to the doorway, sang out "Thanks for the grub!"

"No problem," I muttered sarcastically, "Just glad I could line your stomach for the Sunday booze-up."

I sighed when I heard the front door slam. This was just great. I had two hours of Bella-time, time that was all the more precious because it was fragile, because we were fragile… and I had to waste it being a friggin' housewife.

Bella reached out and touched her fingers lightly to my forearm, drew her hand back almost immediately. "I'll help," she said brightly, "Two is quicker than one."

I shook my head, stood up and reached for the ketchup and the empty bottle of orange juice. "It's cool Bells, I don't want you to have to - "

"I _want_ to," she insisted. "You cooked me breakfast, and leant me sweats and…" she looked down at herself, smiled, "a really incongruous tee-shirt."

Bella stood up and pried the bottles out of my hands to show she was determined about this. "It's the least I can do," she said "Besides, I'm pretty stereotypically awesome at this domesticated stuff."

I watched as she dropped the juice bottle in the trash, opened the third cupboard and slid the ketchup back between the soy sauce and the Billy's stash of exotic mustards – somehow she knew exactly where it lived.

I felt my lips pull into a wry smile before I was even quite conscious of what I was about to say. "Alright, so… how does this cleaning up thing work, then? Gonna give me some sugar?"

_"What?"_ Bella stumbled, nearly dropped the stack of plates she was now carrying to the sink.

"You know. A spoonful of sugar!" I sang it for her. "Geez Bells, I thought you were supposed to be the expert here."

Bella took a moment to get the reference, her brow furrowing between small, embarrassed smiles. "Oh right," she said, her eyes flickering from me, to the counter, to the floor and back again. "Um, well. You could put a shirt on, for a start."

I cocked my head to one side. "Hm, no. I think that will have to come at the end of the cleaning up process."

Bella just raised an eyebrow, swung her hair over her flushed cheek, turned and pulled a clean dishcloth out of the drawer, her throat clicking as she swallowed.

She was flustered. It was awesome.

"I'd love to cover up this body that offends you so, Bells, really I would. But the fact is all of my shirts are dirty."

"All of them?" Bella asked disbelievingly. She turned and I noted, with some disappointment, that the rich pink blush had mostly faded from her skin. "Jeez Jake, exactly how long has it been since you did laundry?"

I shrugged. "Few weeks."

Bella rolled her eyes, dug around in the cupboard under the sink and pulled out a couple of bottles I was very familiar with and a couple more I'd never laid eyes on. "Honestly," she said, "I don't know how you've survived without me up until this point."

I felt a bittersweet pang at her casual words and the nonsensical truth of them that lived inside me, that had lived inside me ever since she'd been in my life, ever since she'd been sortofnotquite mine.

_I did not survive without you, did not, do not, will not._

My eyes stung, my chest seized. It was a bad moment.

I smirked my way through it, folded my arms and leaned back against the fridge. "Well 'twas very, very hard. With father at the bank day and night and mummy always busy with that women's lib nonsense there was hardly any - "

Bella interrupted with soft laughter, threw a sponge at me. "You're not just here to be the entertainment, you know."

I grinned. "No I believe that's another one of your jobs – the singing and the dancing. Actually everything's your job from now on. It makes sense really. I mean, you are _practically perfect in every way._"

Bella laughed, short and sharp this time, followed it with a series of strange breathy giggles. "Yeah, that's me. Just _perfect_. I only trip over my own feet getting out of bed in the morning." She gathered the eggshells that littered the counter in her small hands, carried them to the bin, and when two yolk-slick halves dropped to the floor just before she made it, she rolled her eyes. "Practically _useless_ in every way, more like."

"Naw, you're Poppins, Bells," I said, reaching down to retrieve the rogue shells. "You are."

She smiled at that, a flattered smile, tiny and reluctant, and then she turned back to the counter, started mopping up the butter-and-egg explosion.

It was just right, the way she'd met my eyes on _You are_, looked down and smiled despite herself. I'd made her feel good and I knew it and it was just right.

And… I had to push it. I couldn't help myself, even though I knew it was a very bad idea. I reached out, took her free hand, pulled her close and said very seriously, meaningfully, "You're perfect just the way you are."

Bella breathed in, her fingers fluttered in my grip and she leaned closer still, a helpless sad-happiness in her eyes. We were inches apart, maybe three, maybe two, warm and trembling and together, and she seemed to be shuddering toward me, her head tilting, her gaze searching mine. For about three whole seconds I was convinced she was going to break all the rules like she had in the garage, she was going to break all the rules and kiss me again.

Then she ripped her hand away, her face hardened, and she starting rubbing furiously at the countertop, gritted out "If you think I'm so perfect then why do you hate the people I love?"

I was rattled. Partly because of her kiss/kill reaction to the _just the way you are_ bit, and partly because of what she'd just said.

_Why do you hate the people I love?_

I wanted to argue with it. I really wanted to tell her she was wrong, because the other part of the sentence, the _I call bullshit!_ of _If you think I'm so perfect_, weighed heavily, dragged down things I was trying to build up.

Hate. Love. The words danced uneasily, dangerously in the slim echo of her sentence, and I wanted to tell Bella she was wrong, so badly, but I couldn't.

Because she wasn't wrong. It was true. I hated them, I _hated_ the Cullens. I did. I hated these people, these _things_, I corrected angrily, that she loved more than anything, more than me it seemed, more than Charlie, more than Renee, more than the life she had lived, the life she could keep living, and more than me.

Bella was right. I hated them. There was no use trying to pretend otherwise. But I still couldn't help opening my mouth and starting with "I don't - "

She didn't give me a chance to wind up tongue-tied. "Yes you do! You hate them. And it's not fair. Because yes…" she sighed heavily, her shoulders slumped with it, "Yes, you're right, they've done bad things, _horrible_ things, things I... things I can't.. I can't... They've done these things, they have, these things they'll never, ever be able to take back!"

Bella's voice had risen hysterically, her eyes were round, her hands shook. She breathed in gasps, short, sharp gasps that slowly blunted and smoothed as she calmed.

"But it's in the past," she continued. "Everything that they did is in the past because they _stopped_. They rose above it. They rose above it and I love them. The Cullens are a part of me, Jacob, just as much as you are."

I didn't have time enjoy the lovely bit of that, the bit that rose like a thousand phoenixes inside me, _I was a part of her_. I didn't have time to enjoy that, because Bella was upset again, _angry_, throwing around sponges and wet tea-bags and like weapons, muttering "It's not fair," under her breath and then "It's_ pathetic_," louder, because she wanted me to catch it.

"I'm sorry," I croaked out, "I know. We weren't supposed to talk about this."

"Oh we can talk about _this_ part all you like," Bella said, still throwing things, still fuming, "You being an asshole to my friends is always on the table."

I balked at that. "I'm an asshole?! _Please._ I've barely said two words to them!"

"_Exactly_," Bella hissed, "And just because 90% of it is behind their backs, doesn't make it any better." She whirled around to face me, holding the dishcloth up between us, shaking it in a way that was sort of comical. "And don't think I don't know about the stuff you _think_ at Edward."

"Ugh. Don't blame me because your boyfriend's a mind-reading freak. And what about the stuff I_ didn't_ think at him, the stuff about you and me. You seemed pretty appreciative about - "

"Yes!" Bella interrupted. "Which only proves my point. You _can_ control it, or at least some of it. This isn't about what you can't control. You think things on _purpose_, to _hurt_ him."

I rolled my eyes, spoke in a high, girlish voice. "Ohhh poor little Edward, can't handle the truth."

"But it's _not_ the truth, Jacob! He's a good person." She must have read the correction in my eyes - _things_ - because hers flashed with irritation and she added "Yes,_ person._"

"Yeah, he's a _doll_," I drawled, sarcasm at maximum, "When he _feels_ like it. It's like you're a friggin' yo-yo on a string for him, Bella! Today he's proposing, yesterday he's leaving you fucking _crushed_ in the woods for no good - "

"He had his reasons!" Bella's eyes welled with tears, her right hand made a fist around the dishcloth, her left around the sponge, and soapy water dripped and drizzled onto the floor. She swallowed, continued. "Reasons I think were pretty damn stupid, but hey, he was trying to do the right thing. For _me_. He was trying to make _my life better_. Remind you of anyone, Jacob Black?"

My eyes widened at the implication, I held up a hand and backed away. "Oh no. Oh no _way. No fucking way._ You are not going to compare me to _that_."

"Him!" Bella screamed. "Himhimhimhim_him!_"

She threw the cloth and the sponge to the floor, with as much force as her little arms could muster, and as pissed as I was right now, as pissed as she was at me, I almost burst out laughing at that, at her heart-shaped face scrunched up and red with rage, her teeth practically bared, at the way her right foot had shuffled like she'd been going for a stamp but had thought better of it.

_So. Fucking. Cute._

I was too busy keeping an appropriate expression on my face – anger, surprise, annoyance, jealousy, disdain, something from that list – to reply, and then Bella pushed me over the edge: she leaned down, snatched up her dish-cloth and her sponge, muttered something about bleach and staining the floorboards as she stood up, threw the cloth and sponge down on the counter, put her hands on her hips, looked me in the eye and said sternly "This is all your fault. Now fetch me a mop."

I turned around just as the inevitable grin twisted my lips, jogged to the laundry room shaking my head.

When I came back with the mop Bella was still raging, slamming the fridge door hard enough to make the bottles and jars inside clink.

I help the mop up, waved it with a lingering smile and "Your instrument, Poppins."

Bella just glared and took it from me, stalked over to the sink. Her mood hadn't lightened in the slightest, but I guess it made sense, since we'd been having a pretty serious fight less than a minute ago, and she hadn't had the advantage of seeing how _hilarious_ she'd looked.

She ran fresh, hot water till it was steaming up the window, plunged the mop in, pulled it out and slathered the affected area of the wooden floor with the water. Then she lifted her head, wrapped both hands around the handle, looked me in the eye. "I can't _believe_ you," she said in a hard voice. "It's like you don't even care that he's going above and beyond to help us."

My eyes narrowed, anger leapt easily inside me again, all thoughts of cuteness and spoonfuls of sugar were gone. "Above and beyond?" It dripped slowly, scaldingly from my mouth. "Hardly. Edward Cullen is helping because he's the one who brought this shit down on us with his little suicide stunt in the Volturi's backyard."

Bella let the mop fall, clatter and roll on the floor. She rubbed at her eyes, soaked a couple of tears into her fingertips. "Right, right, okay," she said heavily. "Go ahead, judge away if it makes you happy. But the rest of them? Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie. They had nothing to do with what's happening, but what are they doing? _Helping_, that's what. Helping all of us, you, me, the pack, Embry. Because they're _good people._"

"Or because they love you," I scoffed.

"Yes." Bella agreed evenly. "That's part of it. They love me. Me. A human being. What does that tell you?"

"It..." I frowned. "I…"

Bella turned and collected the remaining cutlery from the table, shot me yet another murderous glance that was a little more threatening now she was holding sharp objects.

I stood silently for a moment while she started on the dishes, the childish side of me desperate to blurt out "Whatever, they're a bunch of Jesuses then," the other more mature side of me considering, balancing, and finally, maybe, just maybe…

"Bella?"

I stepped forward to stand beside her at the sink and she turned, looked up at me expectantly, her nose in the air. I noted the cuteness of it absently, but I didn't laugh, I didn't even smile. This was serious. This moment felt very serious and very strange.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'll... I'll try to be..." I winced around the word, asked it like a question "Nicer?"

Bella looked me in the eye, her features sharp with thought. "A little respect, that's all I'm asking. Just... quit acting like the Cullens are the enemy." She shuddered, added "We have enough of those."

I nodded slowly watched as Bella wiped at the plate she was holding, golden ribbons of honey disappearing under the sponge… I nodded, remembered something suddenly, something I'd been thinking about when I'd been running yesterday, when my heart had been throbbing, my mind a mess of vengeance.

_The Cullens are the Cullens… Whatever... This is different. Really different._

"Believe it or not, I actually started thinking about this already, when all this first hit... About the Cullens and the Volturi... There is..." I swallowed hard, swallowed a thousand angry words to get the next ones out. "There is a difference."

Bella's eyes widened. She dropped the plate she'd been holding and it sank slowly, hit the bottom of the sink with a muffled thud. She shook her head, then turned to look at me, smiled broadly, brightly, nodded once.

She was pleased, a little too pleased, so pleased I had to qualify it "But that doesn't mean that I'm even slightly okay with you _choosing_ to - "

She held up her hands, pulled them up so quickly, the water splashed everywhere. "No!" she exclaimed, her eyes squeezing shut, muttered "Don't ruin it," then said more clearly, "That's after-talk. _Please._"

"Okay," I said. "After."

Bella smiled, sighed, resumed washing up.

I watched her, still reeling from what I'd admitted to. I watched Bella and realized I was reeling because I actually felt a bit _guilty._

I'd let her down with this I Hate The Cullens thing, and that wasn't something I did. _She_ let _me_ down, sure. I was okay with that. Well, I mean, I was sort of growing accustomed to it.

But this? This little thread of shame winding around my heart? It bugged the crap out of me.

I was the bigger person, damnit, literally and figuratively. I _was._

And yet now, when I thought about how I'd been upsetting her, consistently and unnecessarily, how I hadn't understood her, all the _parts of her_, how I hadn't known how much they meant to her and respected that no matter how jealous I was, no matter how scared, how instead I'd clung to _leech_ and _bloodsucker_, pouted and glared and made jokes like an eight year old…

I didn't like it. It was a dent in my pride, a blemish on my otherwise shining record of Making Bella Happy Whenever Humanly Possible, and if we'd still been counting it might set me back a couple of years in our little game of _Who's older really? _

"I am sorry, Bells," I said, breaking a sweet, comfortable silence, "You know I never want to hurt you."

"I know," she said softly. She reached out, a gentle, trusting smile in her eyes, took my hand in her tiny fingers, her tiny fingers that were swimming in wet, soapy rubber gloves – they were extra large, of course, far too big for her – said earnestly, pleadingly "So don't hurt _them._"


	14. Chapter 14

"Ugh," I groaned, giving the washing machine a gentle kick. "This damn thing is so _slow_." I glanced at the avalanche of Billy's and my clothes in the corner of the room, muttered "This is a nightmare."

Bella shook her head, grabbed another handful and started sorting the colors from the whites – a new concept for me, which, apparently, was why so many of my shirts were now neither one nor the other. "You know, Jake," she said, "In some countries they don't even have soap and water, let alone machines to do their laundry for them. A little perspective, please."

I lifted her arm and looked at her watch. We were going to be late to the meeting. This was because five full loads of laundry cannot be done in little more than an hour. In fact, neither can two, and I grinned at Bella, joked that she had a lot of work ahead of her tonight.

"I'm not your live-in maid, Jake," she said archly, picking up another handful and shoving it into my arms.

"No but you could be!" I declared with an evil grin, "We could be so good together, Bells." I sighed mock-dreamily to punctuate it.

"Right," Bella said, one eyebrow raised, "I hook up with you and you'll have me barefoot and pregnant in no time, is that how it works?"

I tilted my head, considered. "Well I'm pretty sure I could make that happen. I'd just hide all your shoes and, you know, make you feel _good_." I smirked at the blush blooming over Bella's cheeks, added "Too easy."

She rolled her eyes, suppressed a quick smile, said "Ha ha," rather than laughing it.

We sorted wordlessly for a couple of minutes. It was an easy lull, silence softened by the low hum of the washing machine, the familiar, unobtrusive beating of our two hearts marking time, and then Bella said suddenly, sharply "I'm not just going to have babies and do laundry."

I looked up, a little taken aback at her too-serious outburst, and she shook her head, smiled nervously, grimaced, added "I mean, that's not all I'd be."

"No…" I said hesitantly, a mismatched pair of socks forgotten in my hands, "You'd be whatever - " I stopped abruptly, adjusted, "You'd do whatever you wanted to do."

Bella's face was flushed again, she muttered "Whatever, nevermind," and dipped into the stack of dirty clothes.

"I mean it, Bells," I said, still cautious, my voice a little shakier than I would have liked, "We don't have to stay here. I mean, if you... We don't have to be Sam and Emily. I can stop phasing. We can do things, go places… Anywhere you like."

Bella's hands had stilled, only her thumb and index finger moved, picking at a loose thread on one of my shirts. "What about Billy?" was a small wisp of sound.

I shrugged. "We'll work something out. Billy has a lot of friends. And the set-up around here these days is way better than it used to be. I mean, he can even drive now."

Bella frowned. "But Sue was picking him up…"

I chuckled. "Yeah, my lazy-ass dad just likes women-chauffeurs." I cocked my head, remembering what she'd said earlier. "Maybe we could hire Sue officially - get him in a live-in maid."

Bella laughed, leaned forward over the bench, sighed long and heavy.

She was hidden behind her hair, and I would have given anything to see her face, to look into it and see what she was thinking, feel what she was feeling. But I didn't dare reach out and pull her hair back. The moment felt delicate, this whole conversation was taking place treacherously close to the edge of after-talk.

I felt the socks drop out of my hands, first one, then the other, urged softly "Anywhere, Bells. Anything."

Bella didn't look up, didn't say anything. Her shoulders shook lightly and I ached.

"We could even… we could even see _them_, if you wanted. The Cullens. I'd be… I'd try my best. If you wanted."

Silence. I waited, felt my pulse ticking thickly in my wrists.

And then she turned, reached up and hugged me fiercely, flung her arms around my neck and pulled me down to her, nestling her face under my ear.

I could feel her breath hitching in her chest, fanning out messily against my jaw, her hand pressing against the back of my head, pushing me down closer to her, the warmth of her body, full and tight with mine, and right at that moment I decided this whole being cool about the Cullens thing kind of rocked.

I was bent over awkwardly to meet her, my knees almost at right angles, thought how glad I was of the powerful muscles that made maintaining this kind of ridiculous pose possible. I held her, stayed with her, kept her close, rubbed slow circles at the small of her back, plunged into her hair with my other hand, whispered "We could do anything. I'd do anything for you, Bells, anything."

A tiny sound escaped her, and I felt her chest tighten against mine, constrict and release, once, twice, her lungs heaved against me like she was gasping or sobbing, or something in between.

I ran my fingers along her scalp, threading a subtle path through her hair – _soft, soft and comforting, yeah, like a warm bath used to feel before my body burned_ -, ran my nose back and forth at the edge of her cheek, breathed her in. "You could… You could go…" I started, but my words tripped up, once, twice, constricted, released, my words tripped up when I felt Bella's fingers at the back of my neck, shifting in and out of my shorn hair.

I breathed out, trembling with it, wished I wasn't making so much noise, gripped her waist, held her tighter as I kissed her earlobe, twice, dryly, feather-light, tried again. "You could go to college, and write brilliant stuff about, like," I swallowed, trying, failing, to hush the short breaths that were staggering out of me with every second word, "about Wuthering Heights, and, uh, I dunno, post-modern whatever, and…" Bella made a sound, laughter maybe, muffled by my skin. I smiled, pressed my lips to her ear again, trailed grazingly to her jaw, continued, "And you could spend hours trying to explain it to me over the phone, and I'd make stupid jokes about the bits I didn't understand, and you'd," I chuckled, leaned forward with it, bowing her body with mine, kissing her cheek now, "You'd tell me to shut up and listen like a good boy, and I would, honey, I would…" I pulled back slightly and our eyes met.

Bella's shone. She was sad and_ beautiful_. I held onto her, pulled her up close and kissed her cheek again, both cheeks, first one, then the other, kept talking, "And I'd stay here, finish out school, maybe, or test out, whatever, and I'd work. I'd get a job and make money. And then we could go away together. New York, Tokyo, Berlin… heck, some countries where they don't even have soap and water." She smiled, I felt the muscles in her cheek shift under mine, sweetly, unmistakably… Bella smiled and I kissed my way across her skin, whispered "I'd go anywhere," into her lips as mine hovered over them.

My heart thudded, each blow inside my chest threatened to pull me down to the ground, and I would pull her with me because I would not let go, I could not let go… Our breath mingled in the slim stream of air between us, and I felt Bella's eyelashes fluttering against my skin, moved closer, just a little, just a little closer and my mouth would close and she'd be with me…

"I…" Bella said, a sound vibration that teased my lips, shivered through my entire body, "I can't do this right now. I can't think about… this... you and… I'm sorry. I… I wish…" She sighed brokenly, and I felt her hands slide from my the back of my neck to my shoulders, "I wish things were simpler."

_Me too…_

I only thought it, I couldn't get words out.

Bella whispered "We'll talk after, Jake," pressed her lips just next to the corner of my mouth, an almost betrayal, not quite lip to lip.

She turned away.

---------

Bella and I were late for the meeting, a little later than the load of washing alone would have made us, and everyone was there and talking already. Well, everyone on my side of things. We were leech-free thus far.

_Leech-free, tsk tsk,_ a tiny corner of my mind admonished. I rolled my eyes. I'd use any damn terminology I liked in my own head. At least while Eddikins wasn't around to tattle on me.

I looked around the room. Under a window so grimy that light barely filtered through was one shabby sofa, occupied by Emily and Sue, and one of the more elderly elders whose name I couldn't remember. My dad sat by them in his chair, everyone else stood or leaned against the walls.

Paul's place really was a shithole. And tiny. It was a miracle the entire pack plus hangers on managed to fit in it.

_Not the entire pack, you idiot, not the entire pack._

My eyes scanned the room quickly, double-checking, just in case, before I asked "Where's Quil?"

Sam looked up from a conversation he'd been having with Jared. "Hello Jacob," he said simply, in a way that made my eyes narrow and my stomach burn.

"Hi." I said, just as flatly.

The syllable was barely out and Sam was already back to his conversation. My temper flared, and I asked again: "Where's Quil?"

He looked up, a flicker of irritation in his features, said dismissively - fucking _dismissively!_ - "He's at my place."

I folded my arms, stepped closer. No way he was just going back to his little chat again. No. Fucking. Way. "Has he even been home?" I asked, a accusatory edge to the question.

Sam just shook his head slowly.

I stayed focused on him, felt my jaw hardening, anger swarming like bees inside me. "He needs to go home."

"I gotta agree with Jake," Jared said, "I think being there all this time... I think it's making things worse for him. It's like he's pulling himself into it, too. Like he's disappearing along with - "

"Nobody is disappearing." Sam spoke sternly. His eyes hadn't left mine when Jared had spoken, and the tension in his body and in his words crackled and snapped through the room. He shrugged, said evenly "Quil was asleep when I left."

"Well then you should have woken him," I spat, even though a part of me was glad Quil had been left in peace, allowed to escape all of this, however fleetingly. "He has a right to be here," I said, and then again "You should have woken him."

Sam didn't waver, he was solid through when he said "It wasn't your call, Jacob. It wasn't and it isn't."

My blood fucking _boiled_. I was so angry I could barely hear him when he said, more to the rest of the assembled company than to me, "Quil has barely slept since it happened. I thought it was better to…"

_Blah blah blah. So you're right. Whatever. I fucking _hate _you, so what do I care?_

A question was asked and I faintly registered Sam's short and useless answer "No news. We're waiting on the Cullens."

My rage abated slowly as more words were spoken, useless questions asked and answered, the routine of it soothed, and I was almost calm, I was almost myself again when it hit.

The bricks of Paul's shithole of a house felt heavy and loose when I heard "There's no change. He's the same."

_Embry. _

I felt sick. Not because it was news. There was no news, Sam had made that wretchedly pointless point at least three times by now.

I felt sick because I'd been trying not to think of Embry. I'd been trying to keep him to my nightmares, where it was okay that he was empty and convulsing, where it was okay that my friend was terrified and in pain and alone inside himself - we hoped, Sam insisted - where it was okay because Bella was with him, licking hungrily at strange wounds, cherry-blood-fingers gripping his jaw... It was okay because Bella was with him in my nightmares and now, in the waking world, she was beside me, whole and human.

But reality hit. Embry was real in my dreams. And he was the same lost boy now, there was no change, he was the same.

I felt sick, pressed my hand to my forehead as I breathed in, felt the walls threatening to collapse around me, and Bella must have felt it too, or she must have felt _something_, because her hand crept into my free one and settled there.

Or it would have settled there. She withdrew it quickly and I registered the scent, finally, heavy and sweet and obscenely close, knew it would be the Cullens before I looked up.


	15. Chapter 15

The Cullens. Three of them. A slim, voice inside me, Bella's, reminded me that the other four were off God-knows-where, _helping_. A preemptive strike.

The pixie - _Alice_ - was in the lead, smiling brightly and full of bright shiny "Hellos". The blonde one - _Rosalie_ - followed close behind, her face drawn like a person who needed sleep. And the other one, the pixie's guy - _Jasper_ - lingered in the doorway, not smiling, not frowning, not saying anything. He was weird, I decided. Even for a vampire.

I cleared my throat, and it seemed to silence everyone in the room.

_Great. A captive audience._

"Hello Alice," I said stiffly, like I was reading a foreign language off a page, "Rosalie, Jasper."

Alice hello-d again, Jasper nodded. Bella punched me lightly in the arm with a secret smile, mouthed "That's my boy." Rosalie didn't react.

_Hmm,_ I thought, _Maybe Poppins needs to have a little chat with her, too._

Sam greeted them too, easily, with the kind of polite calm he specialized in these days. The rest of the pack was silent. The elders, Emily too. Leah threw daggers with her eyes.

Bella stepped in front of me and smiled with a kind of exhausted tenderness. "Alice," she said.

Alice eyed her skeptically, frowned, put her miniature hands on her miniature hips, stared at Bella's… chest?

_Okay, then…_

"_East Seattle Swim Team?!_" She exclaimed. "Bella, have you been using your furry friends to keep secrets from me?"

I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. It was the _way_ she said it, completely deadpan with this excited glint in her eye. I burst out laughing and stopped as abruptly as I'd started.

_Jesus Christ. Get it together. Laughing at her jokes? A little respect, that's all. You don't need to overshoot._

Bella rolled her eyes, colored lightly. "It's Rachel's. Or Rebecca's."

The pixie just stared blankly and Bella clarified. "Jacob's sisters. I needed a change of clothes."

"Oh." Alice said, her lips pinching around it, her eyes narrowing slightly, and I couldn't help feeling a little smug at what she must be thinking.

_Yeah, she was with me, and I had my hand down her pants half the night. Black, one, Cullen, well… Whatever._

Alice's eyes flickered briefly to mine, then she shook her head, spiky tendrils jostling with the movement, grinned. "You really got me revved up there, Bella! I was all set to buy tickets for the next Olympics!"

I found myself grinning. It was fucking irritating, but at least I hadn't actually laughed this time.

Bella fidgeted uncomfortably, started pulling at the hem of the shirt like she had in the kitchen, muttered "Swim Team... Right. I think we all know how well water sports work out for me."

---------

The meeting was pretty uninformative for being so long. Time stretched out like pizza dough and –

_Mmm, pizza. _

My stomach growled.

Time stretched out like pizza dough and Sam seemed unable to express things in his usual ordered, straight-forward manner. He seemed tired now, low, like the weight of all this responsibility was pressing down on him and it was a struggle just to breathe, let alone tell us all what to do, even if it was just more of the same, patrol, guard, stealth, more stealth and waiting…

He was sad, I realized, deeply sad, and just as I realized that, I was appalled to find that I didn't care. His slumped shoulders, the faraway expression that took him over as he repeated for the Cullens "There has been no change... in Embry's condition. No change at all. None." didn't evoke sympathy in me.

Sam was sad and it just made me feel... what? More powerful? More alive? Both of those things… Both of those things and angry too.

I always felt angry around Sam, that was nothing new. But usually it was easier to write off, because hey, he _was_ kind of annoyingly into the duty and the responsibility, and let's face it, I'd never been a fan even before I started phasing and wound up squirming under his thumb 24/7.

Usually it was easy to write off the rage as irritation ignited, because he was so condescending, because he was always poker-faced and prissy, because he took himself so damn seriously… But right now, in these circumstances…

What I was feeling was sick and groundless, and I hated myself for it.

When Sam finally declared the meeting officially over it was close to six, and the whole thing had felt like a big, fat waste of time, just a mess of tangents and squabbling and _if this_ and _if that_. Sam had nothing, the Cullens had nothing - well, except that the pixie could 'see' that the four others would meet up soon, provided none of them changed their mind about, like, anything, between now and then.

I moved quickly to the door, thought how messed up it was that I was more eager to be away from Sam than I was the Cullens.

I nodded to my father. "You need a lift home, dad?"

Billy turned himself around, peered out the grubby window. "I don't see the rabbit out there," he said.

I shrugged. "We walked over to Sam's, picked up Bella's truck instead. She had some stuff in it she needed."

Bella smiled, jingled her keys. "You can sit in the front, Billy, Jake'll have to rattled around in the bed."

"Oh, thanks Bella," Billy said with an appreciative nod, "but it's so far out of your way. Sam, would you and Emily be able to give an old man and his oversized kid a ride home?"

Sam nodded. I gaped.

"Huh?" I shook my head, like I really didn't understand what was going on. "But it's not out of her way if she's - "

"Bella needs to go home, tonight," Billy said. "You both have school in the morning."

_School? What the -_

I decided to deal with that absurd little detail separately. "She can't go _home_, dad. There's no one to protect her there, come on!"

Sam answered for my father. "I agree."

_Oh of_ course.

"She should go home," he continued. "Jared and Paul will be taking shifts patrolling the area anyway on account of Charlie. She'll be perfectly safe."

"Perfectly safe?! Are you - "

Rosalie spoke. And I turned, fast enough to give a normal person whiplash, realized that it was the first time I'd ever heard her voice. The silky, low melody of it was shocking somehow, even though it matched her face, her smooth, undulating body, perfectly. "You underestimate the Volturi," she said, "Don't you know by now how powerful they are? Bella can't be alone. Not even for a moment. I won't allow it. Don't you _see?_ All they need is a second with her and she's dead or _worse._"

Her words echoed around the room and nobody said a thing. I think the rest were as surprised to hear her speak as I was. And maybe the rest, like me, were wondering what she could possibly mean by worse. After all, we had already established that their special powers didn't affect Bella for whatever reason, so what was blondie thinking of that was so much worse than death…

She shrugged in the silence, as if to undercut the intensity of her pronouncement, held her nails up – pink, pristine – and examined them. "Edward would not be a happy little camper if they turned her."

_Oh that's rich. That is fucking rich._

I wanted to say it out loud, I wanted to _scream_ it: 'Oh right, I'm sure he'd be mighty bummed he missed out on his taste!"

I bit the inside of my cheek, forced myself to let it go, stick to the issue at hand. I turned back to my father, nodded enthusiastically. "What blondie said."

The pixie stepped forward, addressed Sam. "I have to say, I agree with Rose, too."

"Right," I said eagerly, "Bella needs to be at my place, we'll worry about school later."

The girl in question muttered something like "I don't mind if…" but she was drowned out by Sam.

"We won't worry about school, Jacob," he said. "The decision is made. You will go."

My skin bristled hotly, each solitary hair, one to a follicle, stood and peeled back.

"_Seriously?_" I asked. "With _everything_ that's happening, you want me to - "

"Well how will it look?" he said wearily, lifting his arms and letting them fall again. "Embry will be mysteriously absent, and it looks like Quil will have to be too. People will talk if all three of you just stop showing up, Jacob. Someone needs to hold the fort."

I groaned. "Who _cares_ if people talk."

"I do," Sam said simply. And I could tell I would be getting no more explanations or entreaties. That was the end of the matter.

I sighed. "Look, okay. I'll go to school, no worries. That doesn't mean I can't protect - "

"You need to sleep," Sam said dismissively.

I rolled my eyes. "I can sleep in bio, it's always a snoozefest anyway and it's not like – "

Alice interrupted me, said cheerily "I don't need to sleep!" added "I'll go to Bella's house tonight," like it was a done deal, no question-time needed.

"You'll…"

I couldn't finish my sentence, could barely even start it. I felt like I was choking, and nobody was patting me on the back, why was nobody doing the goddamn Heimlich manoeuvre and why was _nobody_ objecting to this plan?

Bella said something, and then Sam or my dad or someone else on that side of the room asked a question, and I watched the pixie, my hands forming fists, my chest filling hotly, I watched as she responded with chirpy authority. "We'll call it an emergency sleepover. Big test to study for, we need to pull an all-nighter. Charlie will swallow that. Besides," she grinned, nudged Bella, "he sort of loves me."

_What the -_

"I'm thinking he wouldn't love you so damn much if he knew you were a _bloodsucker_," I muttered darkly.

I regretted it instantly.

Bella's mouth fell open. She wrapped her hand around Alice's forearm, an unmistakable gesture of solidarity.

_Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. _

"I'm sorry," I said, as fluidly as I could manage, trying my best to look Alice in the eye when I said it, forcing myself to enunciate the words clearly. "I'm sorry, that was shitty."

Alice cocked her head to one side. "No, that's okay, _mutt_," she said, an emphasis on the last word that was both playful and aggressive. "It is what I do, after all. Suck blood. I'll just take it in its purest definitional sense. No harm, no foul."

I smiled grittily, didn't dare look at Bella again. I imagined she would be less flippant about this little transgression.

_Fuck._

I stared at the floor, and my heart sank like a stone when I heard Bella say "I'll go with Alice."

But then... Her voice was quiet and calm, not angry and clipped like I'd feared, and when she added "I'll be fine, Jake," when she said my name with softness and reassurance, I figured it might, just maybe, be safe to look.

I lifted my head and smiled sheepishly, said "Sorry, Bells".

Bella rolled her eyes and stepped toward me with a slow shake of her head. "I'm not mad," she said. "I figured this would be a process."

I sighed. "Yeah, a twelve-step program for a bigger, better, Cullen-friendly you. Something like that."

Bella's lips pulled into a grin, echoing mine, and she wrapped her arms around my waist, pressed her cheek to my ribs, said "I know you're trying."

I was trying. Or I had been. But the thought of Alice Cullen, Bella's maybe-please-God-no-future-sister-in-law… The thought of Alice Cullen being her protector, playing happy families with Charlie, watching over Bella while she slept, loving her, keeping her safe… It was sort of unbearable.

It had sparked a war inside me. On one side, bitterness and jealousy of epic proportions, on the other guilt and pride and tenderness… And, now, when Bella drew back and the pixie-leech, _Alice_, stepped forward, her eyes speculative and on me, linked her arm with Bella's and said "I'll take it from here," I knew that the bitter side had won the day.

My mind traveled. I saw Bella in blue, I saw fairylights, felt the dim gentle thud of a song they weren't playing on the radio anymore.

_I'll take it from here,_ and she turns…

---------

She moves above me.

Her pale hands reach down for a pound of flesh, gripping my shoulders, slipping through sweat with closed eyes, closed eyes and open mouth, and tight, tight, sweet...

I reach up, let the subtle sway of her breasts stroke my fingertips, and she smiles, dips into my palms, she moves above me and smiles and my head feels light, my body shudders and I want… I want…

She asks "Do you like this? Is it good?"

I can't swallow to speak, but she knows.

She tells me she knows and I pull her elbows and she collapses tenderly, kisses me the same way, and still moving, I'm still inside her, I'm inside her and my hands are in her soft, dark hair…

We are deep, absolute.

We are part of one another.

But when she rises up again, there are new shadows in the room.

And even as she clenches and moans, even as I'm coiling and hissing, sharp like lightening, quick like the tongue of a snake, and close, close, we are close…

There are two figures in the corner of the room.

I let my arms fall and her hair cuts out.

Her hair cuts out too soon, and when my arms knock limply at the bed sheets, then she opens her eyes, and I'm thinking of a dish and a sponge, of bells and honey, sweet, sticky, soapy, soaking wet and how good I feel.

Alice Cullen moves above me and smiles, her golden eyes a fire inside me.

She asks again "Is it good?" and I can't swallow.

I can't take my eyes off the figures in the corner of the room.

A man, his face is empty. A woman, her hair long and white, wisps of smoke and history fluttering around her face. It is an old face. A familiar beauty, lit up by my eyes.

Wizened, withered, paper-soft and a hundred thousand million words written there, she is old and full and lovely, _Bella_.

Her hair flows white and my heart clenches.

My heart clenches, Alice moves in slow circles, there is a sharp, delicious pinching in the pit of my stomach, hot and ready and close, we are so close…

_Bella_.

But her hair is not white. It was a trick and now I see, it is dark and rich against her skin, Bella's hair, brown and silken.

Her hair is not white and her face is not old. It is half-hidden, caught in a haze, but bright and smooth, I can tell, she is pretty and smooth and now and I am in love, both times I am in love, I am always in love.

But Bella's hair is not white and her face is not old and Edward Cullen's hands are a slender agony inside me as he lifts the veil. He smiles and she tilts and smiles too and he leans in…

I throw Alice off me, off the bed. She tumbles to the floor,_ into_ the floor, she falls into the floor and down, down, in blackness she is gone.

I lurch forward, but the bride and groom are gone too.

She is gone already.

She is gone.

My eyes opened to blackness.

I lurched forward, breathed, swallowed bile.


	16. Chapter 16

School was nothing. It was a blur. Nothing.

I skipped second and third period and sat out on the bench outside the library - Sam couldn't complain, I was on campus, I was visible, I was holding the damn fort.

I sat out on the bench outside the library and thought about last night.

I'd gone home with Sam and Emily and my dad, sat silently in the back while they'd carried on a half-hearted conversation about fishing lures and the prices at Newton's.

When we'd gotten home I'd opened the fridge, found nothing, groaned along with my empty stomach. I'd opened the freezer, pushed a bag of peas to the side, and unearthed a whole lot of clear tubs filled with something dark and meaty.

I'd pulled one out, held it in my hands, felt the iciness of it spreading against my fingers, yielding messily to the heat of my skin, and remembered.

Bella's casserole. She'd made a bunch of it a few weeks ago and left it in microwavable batches in the freezer "in case of an appetite emergency."

I'd smiled hopelessly to myself, zapped three tubs of the stuff, eaten it with Billy and thought of Bella, tried not to picture Alice Cullen with her - _probably braiding her hair or some shit, turning down the bed for her and slipping friggin' bridal magazines between the sheets._ I'd tried not to picture anything like that to give myself a fair shot at getting the casserole down.

After dinner I'd gone upstairs and done exactly what Sam had told me; slept.

And then...

That had to be the most fucking disturbing dream I'd ever had.

_Yeah_, I thought, nodding slowly, staring into the cracks in the paving, _Yeah, I think it even trumps Bella eating my best friend. _

I'd actually vomitted. After I'd swallowed bile more had come up, and I'd scrambled for the bathroom, just barely making it before the heaving started. I'd sat there afterward, and thought how fucked up it was that in real life, I make out with Bella and wind up puking my guts out, then I dream of making love to her - sort of... at least that's how I _think_ it started - and wind up puking my guts out too.

Nice.

My subconscious was an asshole, no doubt about it. And now my conscious mind was in on the act too, clinging to the memory, forcing me to relive it over and over in my head, to try and rationalize the sheer, jaw-dropping irrationality of it, to try and figure out why the heck I would dream of having sex with a _bloodsucker._ And not just any bloodsucker, not the blonde one with the sweet-hell-on-earth curves, no...

The pixie.

I shook my head, wheezed out half a chuckle.

_And you thought laughing at her jokes was overshooting. _

I leaned forward, rested my elbows on my thighs and let my head fall into my hands, my thumbs pushing into the creases of my furrowed brow.

Why her? Was it _because_ I'd laughed at her jokes? Was it because I'd apologized for hissing _bloodsucker_ at her? Was it because I'd tried to be _nice_ and look at her like she was a person, like she was a real, warm, flesh and blood girl, who'd never hurt a fly, like she was just a girl, just a girl who wasn't taking Bella away from me, linking arms and leading her off to a place where I'd never be able to touch her again, where I'd never be able to kiss her again just one last time, where I'd never be able to breathe in the soft, clean scent of her skin, where she would never, ever move above me, warm and sweet, with closed eyes and open mouth…

Hot tears filled up to bursting, stretched like blisters over my eyes. I rubbed at my face, forced those thoughts away, focused.

Alice Cullen.

I just _knew_ she'd be the one orchestrating this - this _wedding_. She'd be maid of honor and dance about brightly, arranging the bouquet and adjusting the veil, the veil that Edward Cullen lifted with such hideous, agonizing tenderness in my dream.

That's why it was her then, distracting me till it was too late, that's why it had to be…

My mind wandered, took me back to the seventh grade.

The school had done the whole over-seas pen-pal thing, and I'd gotten this kid, Shotaru, from Japan. He was kind of obscenely rich, it seemed, going by the mansion he described in his letters, complete with a home theatre system, a "gallery" for his orthodontist dad's vast collection of antique Kyudo bows and an Olympic-sized swimming pool.

_Bella. Swim Team. Olympics. Heh._

Shotaru was cool. We only swapped letters for a few months, because, well, stuff like that always seem to fizzle out one way or another. But at one point he'd sent me a package - no occasion, it wasn't Christmas or my birthday or anything, I guess he just liked to share. I felt a little awkward when I wrote back to thank him, cos I couldn't afford to send him anything that would even cost more than the postage, but hell, I wasn't complaining, because that package, addressed to me, Jacob Black, was by far and away the most exciting thing that I'd ever pulled out of our letterbox.

I remember tearing it open as I ran back into the house, pulling out bizarre pomegranate flavored chewing gum, socks with ninjas on them, a (sadly empty) sake bottle, and the entire first season of an anime called _Bleach_ - with English subtitles no less, kid was thoughtful.

I'd started watching the DVD the next day. We didn't have a DVD player yet (Dad clung valiantly to VHS for years, hoping the future would go away and stop trying to take his money), so I'd had to watch after school in the computer lab in the library - furtively, of course - Embry and Quil would have given me hell for watching "cartoons" - and by the time I was through three episodes I'd developed a profound and enduring, well... let's just call it a _crush_ on the main girl, Rukia... Little spiky-haired, feisty, sometimes-vicious, always-adorable Rukia.

I wondered, cringing as I did: Did that make Alice Cullen _my type?_

She was sort of a walking anime character, after all. And spiky-haired. And _feisty_...

And a leech, I reminded myself.

The idea of me actually being attracted to her was absurd. If for no other reason – and believe me, there was a list as long as my long arms - than that she _stank_. But I guess, in dreams, where your mind can edit things out at will, that hadn't mattered.

It damn well mattered now.

And just thinking about it was threatening to bring up breakfast.

_Alice Cullen. Moving above me._

I choked, covered my mouth, with one hand, pressed the other to my stomach, and maybe I'd been bracing myself subconsciously, because that's when it hit me, front on and hard, exactly why it had to be _her_ in my dream.

Because she _knew._

_Did_ she? Did Alice Cullen _know?_ Did she 'see' what was going to happen? Safely over in Forks, far away from Bella's vision-impairing furry friends, could she see the future? Did she know Bella's decision even if Bella herself didn't yet? Because even if she hadn't said yes yet, even if she really, genuinely didn't know whether she was going to… maybe she'd decided about a whole bunch of other things already, and it was all a chain reaction, right? It was all a chain reaction from here to the end _for better or worse_, and I wondered how far it stretched for Alice.

Could she see Bella and Edward? The _bride_ and _groom?_ Could she see them as clearly as I had in my dream?

Did she see Bella... as one of them?

The thought made me shake.

--

The bell rang, shrill and impatient. I didn't flinch.

I _did_ flinch a few moments later, when a figure bounded up behind me, stepped in front of the bench and exclaimed "Jacob Black!"

I looked up.

_Jenna Carlson. What does she - _

"I thought you'd like to know I'm wearing white," she declared.

I stared at her for a moment, then gestured to her tight, pearl-colored, angora sweater. "So I see."

"Not _now_, silly," she said. Then she looked down, rolled her eyes. "Well yes, now. But also on Friday." She smiled teasingly, "Thought I'd make it a little easier on you when you're picking out my corsage."

_Oh Christ. Oh no. Junior fucking prom. Shit!_

I had entirely forgotten about that whole deal, and even Jenna's shining, blushered face smiling down at me, seemingly random yet distinctly purposeful, hadn't given me a clue.

"I…" I stood up slowly, my mind working with useless frenzy, coming up blank in the what-to-say-next category. "Wow, Friday. That's… sooner than I thought."

Jenna grinned. "Good thing I brought it up, then."

I smiled bleakly, my lips stretching wide, warring against the expression I knew the rest of my face must have been going with. "Err, yeah. Except, I…" I felt my eyes widen slightly when I thought of an out, squinted quickly to counteract it, then sighed fake-heavily. "Shit, you know what, I never actually bought tickets. And I think they've stopped selling them now so - "

I was just congratulating myself in the back of my mind – _Genius! You are saved._ – when she interrupted me, a puzzled look on her face. "Um, but, your friend Quil bought tickets for you all last week. On Friday. He told me."

I tried to keep my face smiling and serene. "For… us all?" I asked.

"Yeah," Jenna said, with a hint of a frown, "For you and him and that other friend of yours, and their dates. And me, being your date. Did he not tell you?"

"Err… I guess not."

Jenna looked around us briefly, cocked her head to one side. "Hey where are they anyway?"

"What?" I asked absently, my mind still focused on the increasingly hopeless task of coming up with a plan to get myself out of this mess.

"Your wingmen," she said, and even if I wasn't looking at her face, I could hear the amusement in her voice.

I looked up quickly, seized the opportunity to cover for Embry and Quil.

"Oh yeah," I said, as nonchalantly as possible, "That'll be why Quil didn't tell me. He got sick on the weekend. He's got this really, _really_ bad, like, um, flu. Embry got it too." I smiled good-naturedly, to smooth over the shoddy lie. "They always come down with things like twins."

"Oh," Jenna said, her face crinkling with concern. "Well that bites. I hope they feel better soon. Preferably before Friday!"

"Sure, sure," I said, the familiar throwaway sounding impossibly brittle. "I hope so too. And I hope… I mean… I'm not actually sure…"

I trailed off, rubbed a hand at the back of my neck, tried to keep my eyes on hers, while I thought of what the _hell_ to say to her.

Seconds ticked by, and I was still blank. I was blank and she was blurred. _Ugh_. My skin tingled coldly with the dead-end humiliation of it all.

"Hey are you okay?" Jenna asked finally. She leaned forward and peered at me. "You look… I mean I won't say _pale_, but yeah…" She straightened up, bit her lip. "I hope you're not getting sick, too."

"Yeah, maybe I am." The pronouncement followed eagerly on the end of her words. She came sharply into focus again and I mumbled "Um… I might be sick… later… in the week."

_Pathetic. Seriously. Freaking_ Bella_ would do a better job of this than you're doing._

"Well... hopefully not…" Jenna glanced over her shoulder and I noticed that three or four senior girls had gathered by the drinking fountains a few feet away from us. They were talking animatedly, and shooting unsubtle looks our way every so often.

She turned back to face me, biting her lower lip again, her brow knitting together in confusion. "You wouldn't want to miss out on your junior prom… right?"

"Right. Yeah." I said, and I swear I was trying to sound convincing even if I was failing miserably. "It's just that I might have to. Miss it."

Jenna cringed, like, she visibly _cringed_. Her shoulders hitched, her skin reddened under the blusher.

She glanced behind her at her friends again. One of them was texting furiously, another was whispering in her ear, and when Jenna looked back at me, smoothed her sweater down over her slim waist and squared her shoulders, she seemed dangerously close to crying or yelling at me or both.

I was still tongue-tied, and I'd never felt like such a fuck-up in my life.

"Look, is this all some kind of a joke or whatever?" she asked, her eyes flashing glassily, "Because I've still got the receipt, so if you could just let me know if I need to take the dress back, that'd be sweet."

Her friends tittered distantly. She winced, rolled her eyes.

I stood up and stepped toward her, shook my head earnestly. "No, no. It's not a joke," I said, even though it _was_ wasn't it? Or it had been.

I realized with horror that I was the guy in that movie Rachel and Rebecca had mooned over in their junior year. I was the jock, Freddie Prince of the Fucking High School, who asked the Plain Jane to the prom as a bet with his asshole friends…

Except Jenna wasn't the Plain Jane and I wasn't a jock. She was a senior and I was a kid. She was one of the hottest and most popular girls at this school, one of the very few white girls, all blonde hair and blue eyes and prized because of it, she was a _cheerleader_… and I was about to make her cry.

I forced it out: "It wasn't a joke, I swear," added mechanically even though it was pretty much true, "It really is family stuff. Look… I'll try to sort it out."

Jenna sniffed discreetly, looked down. "Whatever, if you don't wanna go, just say so."

"No, no!" I sighed. "I… I want to go. I mean, sure. I'll talk to my…" I ran a hand through my hair, sighed again, grimaced. "Can I, like, call you?"

She eyed me warily while I pulled my grimace into a smile I hoped was reassuring.

Finally she nodded. "Sure." She tossed her hair back. "Give me your cell phone."

_My cell phone?_

Nobody had ever asked me for cell phone, not ever as far as I could recall. And it took me a moment to remember that I did actually have one. Rebecca had sent it over two birthdays ago and I'd thought it was pretty awesome, even if it was like, so, six models ago, as one of the girls at school had kindly pointed out.

I had a cell phone, and I charged it regularly, slipped it unthinkingly into my bag as part of my morning routine, a pattern my body remembered from back when I'd been all giddy over owning such a thing.

I barely used it now, almost never – After all, It was pretty useless for a guy like me. There wasn't much point in carrying around gadgets when you needed to be able to turn into a giant wolf on the fly and leave everything behind.

I pulled it out gingerly, watching for a glint of disdain in Jenna's eyes – she seemed like the shiny and new type, a grown up version of Miss Six Models Ago.

She just smiled, took it, keyed in her number.

Then she handed it back and handed me her cell phone with it, smaller and teal blue, with kind of a dent in the left corner, not quite as shiny and new as I'd thought it would be.

I fumbled around with it for a minute or so, looking up at her every so often, noting the amusement that was thickening in her features every time I did.

_Shit. Damn predictive text. Fuck. Where's enter? Wait, wait,_ Jason _Black? How the hell did - I was nowhere near the s! Where's freaking delete? Ugh. Billy was right about the future._

I looked up at Jenna again, grinned sheepishly.

She was smirking at me now, shaking her head. She held out a hand, said "Gimme," followed it up with a short, wry laugh.

I handed her cell back to her, and she examined the screen, laughed again.

"Okay, Jason, what's your number?"

--

I'd just arrived home and thrown my bag down on my bed when my thigh started like… vibrating.

I jumped back defensively. "What the - "

Oh. The cell phone. I'd put it in my pocket when Jenna had handed it back.

_She's calling me already?_ I groaned. _Jesus Christ what have I done?_

I pulled the cell out, stabbed irritatedly at the green button and held it to my ear. "Hello?"

Nothing.

"Hello?" I asked again, my brow furrowing.

_Shit. Was the green button right? Yeah, it was, I know that much. Green is go._

"Hello?" I asked, one more time.

_Hmm._

I took the cell from my ear. There was a message on the screen and now that I thought about it, I remembered faintly registering something about 'one new text' before I'd pressed 'go.'

_Oh. Right._

_Idiot._

I sat down on my bed and read. The text was archaically large, with an archaically small screen to match. I had to scroll just to get past "hey. i know u…"

… _never use this thing but billy said u would have it on. if ur patrolling tonight can u text me when u finish? I worry. love poppins _

Not Jenna. Bella. _My Bella_. My practically perfect girl.

My heart swelled, my head pounded.

I read the message at least eight more times, _love poppins_ echoing deliriously in the air around me, so pure and so close I could almost _hear it._

_Bella texted me. Bella worries. Bella loves - _

I wondered abruptly if Cullen had a cell phone, stiffened at the thought.

Of course he did. Probably some tiny, sleek, state of the art silver thing, like the ones crazy-rich Shotaru had described to me in his letters.

Of course he had a cell phone.

I wondered if Bella had texted him when she had texted me. I wondered if she had left him with 'love', too.

_Or more_, I thought darkly, an ocean of jealousy welling inside me.

I wondered if Bella had left Edward Cullen with more than just 'love'.

I wondered if she had let him have the all-important 'i' and 'u' surrounding.


	17. Chapter 17

I was still busy staring at my cell phone, cursing Edward Cullen and his shiny, Japanese one, when my dad yelled out that Emily had called for me.

"Crap," I muttered, feeling instantly guilty at the thought of Embry and Quil, and more than a little freaked, because I couldn't think of any reason why Emily would be calling me that wasn't disastrous.

I stood up and threw the cell down on my bed, headed downstairs, ready to put Bella and text messages and weddings and freaky sex dreams about pixie vampires behind me, and face whatever shit had gone down at Sam's place.

Dad was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, his perennially happy-go-lucky expression set aside, his always-bright eyes clouded with concern.

_Oh God. If_ he's _not smiling things must really be –_

I interrupted my own thoughts, cut to the chase. "What did she want?"

Billy's lips rearranged themselves quickly into a grin when he looked up at me. He seemed startled and I wondered if he hadn't heard me come down the stairs, even if I hadn't exactly been in stealth mode. He clapped his hands together, chuckled lightly. "She wanted to invite you over for cake."

My jaw shifted and clicked in tense irritation. "Dad, this is not the time for jokes, can you just - "

"I'm not joking! That's really what she said. She wants you to go over there for cake."

My brow furrowed, I folded my arms and raised an eyebrow.

Dad sighed, and though the smile stayed on his face, an unnatural heaviness came through again, a kind of sadness, genuine and thorough, that I hadn't seen in him since mom died.

I felt another pang of guilt, because I'd been so wrapped up in suffering over Bella, when even my dad, the irrepressible Billy Black, was suffering over my best friends. That was _my_ job. And for the last 24 hours I'd been failing at it.

The shame I felt was only exacerbated by the next words out of his mouth. "I think she just wants you to…" He cocked his head to one side, started again. "Your friend Quil needs some company. He's had a stressful day."

"What? What do you mean stressful?" I swallowed hard, pressed a hand to my forehead. "What happened?"

Dad wheeled back and turned himself around abruptly, muttered "I don't know. Emily'll tell you. Off you go."

He turned back as abruptly as he'd turned away, flashed me a trademark grin, told me he'd have a nice, hot pile of laundry waiting for me when I got home.

I think it was supposed to be reassuring.

-----

I ran to Sam's. I figured I'd probably be just as quick as if I took the time to go back upstairs and find the keys to the rabbit, and besides, there was no way I would have been able to sit still on the way over.

Emily opened the door and smiled kindly, wiped her hands on her apron (yes, her freaking apron), as she said "Hi Jacob. Thanks for coming. I baked a cake."

"Look, I don't - " I caught myself, swallowed my words. Emily annoyed the hell out me, but it was mostly by association with Sam. She'd never been anything but nice to me, I reminded myself. I mellowed my tone. "Thanks Emily, it smells great. But can you just tell me what happened?"

Her eyes filled with sorrow and my upper body clenched and teetered forward in anticipation.

Then the phone rang.

"One second," she said apologetically.

But one second was too much for me, especially when it inevitably meant thirty, and probably more. Emily took her call and I made my way down the corridor to the room she shared with Sam.

I pushed the door open gingerly, already cringing at what I might find behind it.

Embry was still lying on the bed. And he was still twitching with the same hideous irregularity as before, his eyes were still wide and unseeing - as before.

But I noticed that he was covered in three quilts now, and in between each jerk of his upper body, he was shivering.

"He's cold."

I turned quickly, saw that Quil was in the corner of the room.

He shrugged. "Crazy, huh?"

Crazy was right. It could be snowing and I'd barely feel it. We ran at 108.9 degrees and Embry was_ cold?_ When had this happened? Why had nobody told me about it?

I felt anger building inside me, at Sam and his_ no news, no change_ bullshit, ignored the fact that maybe it had only started now and maybe that was why I'd been called, I didn't know, I didn't care, all I could feel was this_ rage_ taking me over and –

It was at that moment that I noticed that Quil was wearing a sweater. He noticed me noticing it, shrugged again.

My heart strained violently in my chest.

I searched his face. It was hard and shut down, but his eyes were rimmed red, whether from lack of sleep or crying or both, I couldn't be sure.

_Quil Ateara crying. _

It was a strange thing. I hadn't seen him in tears since he was nine and a half, when he'd been kicked off the La Push little league team for ditching practice to smoke in the woods off Riley Cresent with some bigger kids I didn't know. He'd been a mess that day, and when Embry had said it sucked that he wouldn't be on the team with us, he'd told him to get stuffed.

Embry had just moved that year from Santa Barbara, and Quil had hated it when I'd befriended him. I remember the words 'Three's a crowd' being muttered pretty frequently. It only made it worse that Embry and I were still on the team together, going to practice together Thursdays and Fridays after school, and on weekends, and by the end of the year, when his dad had made him come watch us play in the final match, Quil was seething.

We'd won, and he had stubbornly refused to cheer. But then afterward, when we'd gone back to my place and found there were only two Popsicles left in the freezer, Embry had given Quil his, and a whole year of sulking and pouting had been forgotten.

From then on three was company, and if anything Embry became closer to Quil than he was to me.

I felt a soft, entirely inappropriate smile forming on my lips at that memory, faint, but kept alive and colored every time Quil's dad told the story at Christmas and Birthday parties.

I was staring at the sleeve of Quil's sweater, that stupid smile ghosting over my face, the sound of nothing rushing in my ears, when he spoke again.

"Embry's mom came over today."

My eyes widened, snapped up to his. "Shit."

Embry's mom didn't know. She didn't know about what had happened to Embry. She didn't know that her son was lying in some kind of limbo, no doubt suffering agonies we couldn't even imagine. She _couldn't_ know, because she didn't know about any of the rest - werewolves, vampires, sworn to protect etc etc.

All the rest of us, our parents were in on it, because after all, it was a lineage thing, a dormant gene passed down from father to son since the days of the first pack. But Embry didn't have a father. Or he didn't know him. And his mother didn't know him, hadn't known him enough to be let in on the secret.

And when he'd started phasing…

It was always hard. We all went through a lot that first time we changed and in the weeks after. It was crazy after all - one moment you're just a kid, and the next you're part of some grand tradition of shape-shifting warriors, destined to protect humanity from the cold ones – and by cold ones we mean vampires, and I mean seriously, freaking _vampires?_

And the way it affected your body... The first time you phased it was like everything inside you liquefied, like you were just molten iron poured into a mould, forced into this new being, not you, not the wolf, neither of you, both of you...

It took some adjusting to, which was why, as agonizing as it had been not to see Bella in those weeks after I first phased, to be forced to abandon her like _he_ had, right when I'd said I never, ever would... I had also been glad of the distance. I'd needed every inch of my energy and sanity to deal with what was happening to me.

So phasing for the first time had been hard on all of us. But it had been a million times worse for Embry.

Because once the wolf tore its way through his limbs, remoulded them snarlingly, brutally, sent him, four paws thudding, large, unfamiliar heart banging inside him, into this new world...

Once he'd been initiated into the pack, filled in on the legend of Taha Aki, and all that it entailed, he'd known that his father hadn't just been Native, he'd been Quileute. He had to have been Quileute. He had to have been _one of us_, and yet, for Embry, he was still nothing, he was still nobody, he was still just some guy his mom had met in a bar when she was twenty-two and very, very drunk - that was all she would - _could_, she insisted - tell her son.

Quil let his head fall back against the wall and the sound brought my eyes back to his.

"Shit," I muttered again.

"Yeah," he said heavily, "I guess she got sick of all the excuses. Anyway…" He swallowed tightly, his Adam's apple sliding like a mouse in the belly of a snake. "She came up guns a' blazin' and of course…"

He shook his head slowly, let it roll back and forth lazily on the concrete. "Of course we couldn't let her in," his lip curled back in a bitter smile, "on account of this being a very exclusive club. We couldn't let her see him... So…"

He pushed away from the wall, ran his hands over his head, his eyes shut tight. When he opened them they were clear, almost. "So I wound up like, screaming at her. Like really…" His voice dwindled to a whisper "… screaming. And I...." His chest rose and fell tightly, quickly suddenly, he looked like he was about to explode but when he spoke again he still whispered. "I pushed her. She tried to push past me, and I grabbed her and shoved her, and she almost fell, and she was screaming at me, and_ begging_ and..."

"Oh Jesus Christ, Quil, man," My heart strained inside me again, and I advanced on him fast, wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

He didn't push me away. He let me hold onto him and I was grateful.

Quil let me hold onto him and he kept whispering. "Emily had to beg the neighbours not to call the cops. And Embry's mom said not to bother, because she would. And she looked at me when she said it. And she was _crying._ And the way she _looked_ at me..."

"Oh man," I said again, holding him close, sympathy surging inside me, rising with the bile in my throat. "Oh man."

-----

I sat with Quil for another hour or so, on the floor, next to Embry's – Sam and Emily's – bed.

Emily brought cake in, and we both ate three slices. It was good.

As I was leaving she assured me that Sam was going to sort things out with Embry's mom, even if it meant telling her everything.

-----

Apparently patrol had been a waste of time the night before, and it was shaping up to be a waste of time again tonight.

There was no trace of any bloodsuckers - the Volturi or Victoria. The only time we'd caught a whiff of that sickly sweet stench thus far, Sam had told us to cool off, we were in the forest surrounding the Cullen house.

So far the only thing I'd achieved was getting myself ordered to attend prom. I'd made the mistake of letting my mind wander to my conversation with Jenna today, and Sam had latched onto it immediately.

Someone, probably Leah, had thought _What the hell do we care if Jacob wants to ditch some blonde chick who lives for her pom poms?_

_It's not about whether Jacob wants to ditch her,_ Sam had thought dismissively, and I'd caught a faint thread of _It's not like I'm in a position to..._ trailing after it, thought _Damn right._

He had continued, unruffled. _It's about not drawing any unnecessary attention to ourselves. Two dates missing means two girls bitching to their parents and friends. That's quite enough. You'll go, Jacob._ He'd directed the thought at me, an unequivocal order.

I'd been angry about it, really angry, even though the truth is, I might have ended up going anyway - I couldn't really stand the idea of calling Jenna and hearing the judging silence on the other end of the line when I ran my 'family stuff' line.

But whatever, I was still angry, really riled up, and it didn't help that Jared, as had become usual, was thinking obsessively about his new girlfriend.

It was all _... tulips cos those are her favorite and the way she her eyes lit up... and she said they were beautiful, but yeah _right, they're_ beautiful, _please, _she's more beautiful than a whole damn field of tulips. Ugh, when did I get so corny? But it's true, even if she bit her lip and said it wasn't, and then when she kissed me and it was so warm and perfect and ahhh God... 'I've never met anyone like you, Jared, I've never felt this way about -_

Yeah, it was really starting to piss me off.

It pissed me off, because it forced my mind back to Bella and the fact that Edward Cullen had a ring with her name on it, when I was _supposed_ to be thinking about Embry and Quil. That had been the plan - I'd been going to atone for my neglect by banning Bella from my mind and thinking about only Embry and Quil for at least the next 24 hours. But now here I was, back to square one, with how in love with her I was, and the amount of in love with me that she wasn't, with how much I wanted her, _only_ her, and the fact that even if she wanted me, she wanted someone else too, she wanted someone else too much, she wanted someone else too dangerously, and too undeniably.

Why was it so damn easy for everyone else? Why did Jared get to clap eyes on some girl in chem lab, decide he's in love with her, and have her just love him back? Why couldn't it be that way for me? Why couldn't I love Bella and have her love me back, just like that? Why didn't I get to kiss her and hold her and take her out and buy her things, and have her smile and blush and say she'd never felt this way about anyone before?

It wasn't _fair_. And yeah, 'life isn't fair', I knew that better than anybody. The number of times I'd heard if after mom died -_ It's not fair, life isn't fair and only the good die young._

I pushed ahead, hating harsh realities and platitudes both, hating Sam and Emily, hating Jared and whatever-her-name-was, hating Bella and Edward and Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and the big guy and Doctor Carlisle Cullen and his wife with her perfect hair and soccer-mom smile.

_Fuck them. Fuck them all. Fuckers._

I hated everyone who got to be in love and be loved back, just like that, just because of who they were, just because they felt and the other person felt too, just _because._

And then I had to wonder: Maybe it was me. Maybe this mess was my fault. Maybe I'd just chosen the wrong person to love.

I felt myself shudder inside the wolf at the thought. And yet I couldn't let it go. My mind pressed on, pushing through the horror of the idea that maybe this was _my fault_, that maybe I'd just picked the wrong girl, and all of this hard work, all this figuring out her pieces and where they fit, all this time giving her time, all the words I worked with, all the feeling, all the trying to make her feel it too, maybe all that had just been pointless from the start. Maybe I was just a sad, stubborn loser, beating a dead horse.

Maybe Bella and I were just a friggin' dead horse, no matter how alive she could make me feel, no matter how wildly her heart had pounded against mine when she'd been in my arms, when she'd been kissing me.

Because it was starting to seem like this love thing was supposed to be simple. Either it was a snap - see the hate-list above - or it was a total failure, and you wound up like Leah, or Charlie, or me.

Sam was listening. There were no thoughts echoing back into mine, but I could feel him listening.

Leah's silence was grittier, and the grit was _Fuck and - I feel and - it's not and -_

Seth was all sympathy and naive reassurances. Faintly I heard _She'll come round, Jake, it'll be okay. _

Paul was wondering why the fuck I was complaining when I had a date with a cheerleader.

And then there was Jared. He was oblivious, even though I'd thought his name over and over with such unguarded and undeserved venom. I kept thinking it, purposefully now, sort of like an experiment: _I hate you, Jared. I hate you and your girlfriend. I hate you. _

And he kept thinking _Kim, Kim, Kim. She's everything. She's the only thing. Kim._

Suddenly my whole body coiled back, my body and the wolf's too, perfectly in sync.

Letters sliced themselves together like cold blades in my mind.

_Jared._ Jared._ Did you_ imprint _on Kim?_

The whir of Jared's thoughts stopped abruptly, and in the same moment, Sam's voice barked sharply _Everybody phase back. Now._

And we did.

There was only silence, and in that silence I stood slowly, naked and shaking, the shorts tied, loosely now, to my ankle, forgotten for a good five seconds, till I heard Seth say "Err, Jake. Can you, like, put those on?"

I turned my head, saw that he was there with me. He must have been close when we were running. He was dressed himself, looking down at the ground, practically blushing.

I pulled my shorts on mechanically, turned and saw that Jared was there too, staring into the distance, as he pulled the drawstring on his sweatpants tight around his waist.

My lips trembled. I wanted to ask again, aloud this time 'Did you? Did you imprint?', but it was like I was frozen, like those cold blades had settled themselves into my skull in a pattern that pressed on my nerve endings, rendering me paralyzed. I could only stand and stare, as Jared only stood and stared.

Sam appeared seconds later, said in a low voice, "Go home, Seth."

Seth went.

It was just the three of us now, and I thought absently, _three's a crowd_, stood, stared.

Then Sam said, with the same quiet authority "Go home, Jacob," and something snapped inside me. I was mobile again.

I took three long, ready steps toward him, leading with my chest, my hands clenching reflexively. Then I turned to Jared, and said it: "Did you imprint on Kim?"

Jared's eyes flickered to mine, wide and blinking, with this awestruck quality that made me sick to my stomach. "Wow..." he said softly, "I think I _did_."

I heard it under Sam's snarled attempt at camouflage - "That's enough, Jacob. Go home."

My head whipped around and I snarled back "_Fuck off_, I'm having a conversation."

Sam stepped toward me till he was close, and we were eye to eye, level, we were level now, I realized, I was as tall as he was. "Now is not the time for this conversation," he said with slow menace.

I stared back at him, unyielding, thinking as I did so _I am unyielding, I am unfuckingyielding._ "If now is not the time for this conversation," I said, mimicking his tone as precisely as I could, "Then why are we standing here, having it."

"We're not," he replied stonily.

"We are," Jared said, moving toward us now, like he had been paralyzed too and now the blood had finally stared to flow back into his limbs. "We are having this conversation. I _imprinted._ Oh my_ God_. Did you_ know,_ Sam? Why didn't you - "

"Because it could wait. It _can_ wait till we're not facing an army of super-vampires. It can wait till Embry is better. Now is not the time to be..."

_Oh my God. Oh my God. _

I couldn't hear him, I didn't care what he had to say anymore. I knew everything I needed to know. I knew everything I needed to know to feel like I was sinking, like the world was shifting higher, loose and light above me, and I was going down, down, into an abyss, into a dark, disconnected place, where nothing made sense anymore.

_Imprinting? Oh God._

I never _really_ thought... I'd always figured it was, like, a Quileute old wives' tale. Something Sam used as an excuse for dumping Leah for her best friend.

But now...

_Two down_, I thought sickly, and it spliced itself in with something Bella had said when she'd been small and afraid in my bed - _two down_, I thought, _Jacob Black to go. _

The feeling of scrub and dead leaves crunching against my feet made me aware that I was walking. I heard Sam's voice, barking more orders at me, felt my lips move numbly to push out "I'm going home."

Except the further I walked the more aware I became of the fact that I wasn't going home. The trees thinned out, and I saw dimly, lit up in blackness, the old gas station on the outskirts of Forks.

Patrol was over. And I could go one better than a text message.


	18. Chapter 18

I was running. It felt like I was always running, whether it was me or the wolf, I was always putting one foot in front of the other, relentlessly, pushing forward, pressing down, pulling away, it felt like I was always running these days.

Running, running, running, the word repeated in my head. And gas station. And Forks. Feet. Fo-li-age…

And running, running, the words thumped endlessly with my heart, beat _one two_ into my footsteps, filled the space between each movement, filled the space where real thoughts might have snuck in and _paralyzed_ me.

It felt like only a moment had gone by when I saw Bella's house, like I had been standing in the woods, breathed in, clicked my heels and wound up here, under her window, my left arm reaching up to the second branch of the old oak, catching, holding, pressing down, pulling up, and running, running, Forks, feet, fo-li-age, it felt like I was always...

Her window was wide open. Under different circumstances that might have pissed me off, I might have known it was just in case he came home, I might have known it was for _him_, it was always for him and I was always running, running...

Under different circumstances it might have pissed me off that the window was open, because she was being hunted for fuck's sake and could she not make do with the oxygen that was already in the fucking house?

And then, under different circumstances I might have been glad that the window was open, I might have smiled, thought how it made it that much easier for me to get to her.

As it was I didn't care. It didn't matter. The window was irrelevant, entirely insubstantial, even as my hands latched firmly onto the sill and I pushed myself -

I froze in place as I realized why it didn't matter that the window was wide open. It's not like a flimsy sheet of glass would do much to protect Bella if the Volturi wanted in, or even Victoria for that matter. The Berlin wall wouldn't have been able to keep those fuckers out.

Which was why Bella wasn't alone. She had someone to protect her tonight, and for all the loaded guns he owned, it wasn't Charlie Swan.

Alice Cullen was still there with her.

_Of course she's still there with her, of course._

The scent hit me as an after-thought, sickly sweet, thick and too close.

I lifted my head slowly, my forearms quivering as they held me suspended. I lifted my head slowly and there she was, right in front of me at the window, her yellow eyes wide, pale skin gleaming in darkness.

"What are you doing?" she whispered, a faint hint of anxiety in her face and voice. "What's going on?!"

I stared blankly at her for a moment, before swinging my right leg up and falling soundlessly into the room. "I need to talk to Bella," I said, keeping my voice low, but not quite a whisper.

Alice's eyes narrowed. "She's sleeping. You can talk to me."

I frowned, I think. My face felt numb so I couldn't be quite sure what the hell it was doing. Words fell out of me simply, matter-of-fact and too even. "But I don't have anything to say to you, Alice."

She eyed me strangely, and I suppose that was only natural, I suppose it was my fault, I suppose I was the strange one right now.

_Haha. She practically glows in the dark, and I'm strange._

"If you don't have anything to say..." she glanced over at the bed, thinned out her whisper even further, "... then go home. You can talk to Bella tomorrow."

I shook my head, stepped past her, and again it was simple and even. "I need to talk to her now."

In the blink of an eye Alice was in front of me again. "If you have nothing you _need_ to tell me, then you have nothing you _need_ to tell her. Not _now._ Go home."

She'd growled the last part, and it was low, but rumbling and deep, like a train passing under the earth, and Bella stirred, sat up in bed and blinked.

"Alice?" she asked sleepily, "What's going on?" She blinked again and her eyes widened when they focused on me. "Jake?"

"Go home," Alice whispered, smooth now, like a wisp of smoke. She kept her eyes on me, didn't even turn around.

I stared at her for a moment, felt my head tip idly to one side. Then I looked past her at Bella again. "I needed to see you."

Bella rubbed at her eyes, sat up further. The quilt slid down off her body and she lifted one bare arm to push her hair out of her face.

I remembered this. I remembered her in bed. In _my_ bed. She'd been wearing a tank top then too. She'd been beautiful then too. She'd been beautiful and she'd been in my arms.

I breathed in and it was like…

It was like clouds burst inside me, and everything was damp and muffled for a few moments. My eyes watered, I could barely hear her when she asked "Why? What's happened?"

"I don't..." My own voice cracked somewhere in the distance. I might have been mortified, maybe, I think, I might have been... "I don't want her here."

"Oh for the love of… listen to me, you mutt, if you're trying to - "

Alice Cullen put her hands on me as she spoke, she put her hands on me and sound returned, the scene came into focus again, she drove me back toward the window and I rose up, lunged forward, shoved her back toward the bed.

_Oh that's great. Throw Bella to the leech. Or the leech to Bella. Whatever. Nice work._

But Bella reached out and touched Alice's arm, _touched_, she didn't hold it, she didn't cling on, she only touched, she only turned her around to face her.

"Alice, please," she whispered, "Just give us a moment."

"Bella I'm here to protect you! You can't - "

"I know, and I appreciate it, I do. But everything will be fine, okay? Jacob can protect me while you're gone."

Alice raised an eyebrow, turned side-on for my benefit as she did so. Then she turned back to Bella, shook her head slowly, once to each side.

Bella lifted her chin, squared her jaw. "This is _my_ house," she whispered shortly. "And you'll leave when I ask you to!"

Alice put her hands on her hips. "This is _Charlie's_ house," she countered. "And I don't think he'd approve of young men climbing in your window at night."

"Oh right, _young_ men. Because if the guy climbing in my window has had a centennial it's fine? Alice, you're being a hypocrite and if you don't leave right now, Jake and I are just going to go outside, get in my truck and drive right over the treaty line. How does that sound?"

Alice was stock-still for a beat, before her shoulders dropped in resignation. "I don't like this, Bella." She glanced back at me again, leaned forward conspiratorially even though she had to know I'd hear. "He doesn't look very stable to me."

Bella ran a hand through her hair, squeezed her eyes shut. When she opened them she was looking over Alice's shoulder at me, she was peering into my eyes when she said "He's… fine. He's _fine_, okay? Give us five minutes. Please."

Alice moved to the window and I kept my eyes on Bella's as I muttered "If you can still smell me you're too close."

Then she jumped out, the whoosh of air louder than the dim sound of her feet on the ground, of the footfall that took her away.

I waited the few seconds it took for her scent to fade.

I waited the few seconds it took until she was really gone, and then…

I realized I'd forgotten my words – Forks, feet, foliage, _fuck._

I'd forgotten my words and now there was nothing left, there was nothing to fill the spaces, and the thoughts came rushing at me, the sheer panic of _Kim, Kim, Kim. She's everything. She's the only thing,_ it crashed into me like a tidal wave, it crashed into me and I was lost, I was over, I was done, I was _done with,_ I was -

"Jacob?" Bella was on her knees on the bed, one slim, trembling hand reaching out to me. "Jacob, what's happening?"

I could feel tears slipping messily down my cheeks, I could feel my heart pounding like I'd been running, running, always running, I could feel my mouth open and panting, a low, broken sound building in my chest, I could feel all of this, and I could hear Bella whispering "Oh my God, _please_, Jake, what is it?"

I closed the distance, so fast my own vision blurred, took her face in my hands, her lovely, familiar face, I took her face in my hands and kissed her.

It started differently from the last time, the first time, the only time, the only time, but not anymore, please _please..._

It started differently from the last time. My lips were pulling at her lips, fiercely, pushing at her lips, fiercely, she opened her mouth to speak, but my tongue caught hers on the first syllable and one hand fell from her face to her shoulder, tugged sharply, pulled her body against mine, so we were chest to chest, flat and tight and close.

I pulled Bella close to me and her arms lifted up like magic, wrapped around my shoulders like magic, she wrapped herself around me and she was kissing me back. She was kissing me back and I was grabbing at the fabric of her tank top, pulling it away, feeling her skin, cool and smooth under my fingers, feeling her tongue soft and strong with mine, I felt it, I felt it again, just like the last time, this had started differently but now it was just like last time, and I felt how it was perfect, how it was easy but wild, tender and sharp at once, I felt it again, just the same as before, _I felt it_: This was the height, the absolute most I had ever felt – _could ever possibly feel_ – of having and wanting, both at the same time.

Bella was crying now too. I could taste the salt on her lips, I could feel her tiny sobs throbbing against my chest, she was crying and asking "What happened, Jake, please…" between kisses, she was pulling at my arms, trying to speak, trying to still me, but even still, every time she came back to me, every time I pressed my lips to hers, she pressed hers to mine.

Finally I loosened my hold on her, my head bowed.

"Jake?" she asked again, her voice thin and frail with fear. She swallowed, lifted her hand to my cheek whispered "Jake, honey, just te - "

I interrupted her with a strange sound, a sort of a groan that my heart squeezed out of me.

_Jake, honey._

I closed my eyes, kissed her cheek while she said "What?"

"That's my line." My lips brushed against her skin with each change of their shape, and I could swear there were tiny sparks.

"What?" she asked again.

"That's my line. My word. My word for you, Bells, _honey_. That's what I say to you and you just said it to me."

My stomach tightened convulsively, burned with a slippery heat.

_Jake, honey. You said it to me._

Bella might have laughed. She might have sobbed. It was an incredulous little noise, swiftly followed by "Jacob, what _happened? Please._"

_What happened? What happened? What -_

I looked up slowly, felt my lips shuddering into the useless word I was about to say.

"Nothing."

Bella's eyebrows raised, first one, then the other. It would have been funny if she hadn't been pulling away from me. It would have been funny if she hadn't been hissing _"Nothing?_ You come into my room in the middle of the night _crying_ and _throwing_ yourself at me because… _nothing?_ Because you_ feel like it?_"

"I..."

My head was thick and too full. I couldn't think. I couldn't make sentences to soothe her, to make her forgive me, to help her understand why I'd done this, why I hadn't waited till _after_, why I'd made her break her rules and…

"Jared imprinted," I said finally. "Jared imprinted and I love you."

There. That was really all there was to say.

It was a simple equation.

_I. Love. Bella  
Wolf. Imprints on. Some girl._

Bella's eyes were wide and glassy. Her mouth opened and she was about to say something but I couldn't let her, I couldn't bear to hear it, I couldn't bear any of this.

I kissed her again, pushed her tank top away from her shoulder again, took her face in my other hand and pulled her to me, I pulled her close, I pulled her close and kissed her wildly, pushing her lips with mine, with my teeth and my tongue.

She didn't kiss me back.

She didn't kiss me back this time but it didn't matter. It didn't matter. She wanted me. She _wanted_ me.

My lips left hers and I stroked at her skin, I pressed kisses to her cheek, to her chin, to her jaw, to the quick slide of her neck, I kissed her over and over and she was saying things, but I couldn't hear, I _wouldn't_ hear.

She pulled away, shuffled back on her knees, and my hand left her face, grabbed her wrist and forced her back to me, and I was still kissing her, I was still reaching, reaching, reaching, it felt like I was always reaching for any part of her I could take and have and hold and call _mine_.

Bella yanked her wrist out of my hand and that's when I heard it.

"No. Get off me. _Stop._"

I stopped.

My heart stopped. The world stopped. Everything fucking stopped.

I stepped back, once, twice. My eyes were fixed on hers when she said "Go."

I couldn't move. I was paralyzed like I had been in the forest.

Suddenly Alice Cullen was between us again, and Bella was rubbing her wrist and saying "Get out."

I still couldn't move.

She screamed it. "Get out!"

It was so _loud._

Alice was holding her. She was cradling her face and whispering things.

And I still _could not move._

Then I heard the dull thud of Charlie's feet hitting the floor two doors down.

I leapt out the window and phased before I hit the ground.

-----

I sat in the woods alone, under a pine tree that was dripping stale rain onto the soft, deep earth. I sat in the woods alone and cried.

I remembered Bella's face. I remembered her rubbing her wrist. I remembered Alice Cullen whispering.

I'd _hurt_ her.

_Bella._

And she'd _hurt me._

_No. Get off me. Stop. Go. Get out._

The words pounded in my head.

Bella had hurt me and I'd hurt her and now I could see it so clearly: I could see myself hurting her again, I could see myself breaking her the way Cullen had broken her. I could see myself breaking her the way Sam broke Leah.

_No. Stop. Go._

The world was still spinning the wrong way and I could barely think, but somewhere inside I registered that this was a new low. This was a new low in the sad, horrible, humiliating story of _Jacob Black-loves-Bella Swan_, and the worst part about it, the absolute worst part, was that I didn't even know if it was okay for me to want her anymore.

I didn't even know if it was right to try and make her mine.

-----

As I neared the edge of the forest I realized I was stark naked and my shorts were shredded remains in Charlie Swan's back yard. Morning was on its way and I glanced around furtively, glad of the perpetual sleepiness that is La Push, streaked my way back home.

The red letters of my relic-sized alarm clock blinked at me. 5:42.

I laid down on my bed and pressed the pillow over my head.

As sleep overtook me I found myself thinking how glad I was, and how fucked up it would be to be a vampire and never, ever be able to escape…

-----

I am the wolf. I am inside the wolf, creaking and craning in its muscled body.

I am inside and there is no way out. I strain, I reach, I squeeze its eyes shut and open them, I imagine the burn of shifting, I imagine it catching, igniting and pulling me out of this shape.

I imagine all of this but I am still inside the wolf.

I am alone.

-----

My mom is cooking breakfast and fussing over floral arrangements.

I can't see her. She's in another room and the door is closed.

But Bella is there. She's patting my head, cooing and scratching under my ears like I'm a puppy she just pulled out of a box with a bow on it, and I feel myself yawn, lean into her touch, I yawn and lean into it like I'm happy, like it's all I need, like I'm not trapped, like there's no way out but it doesn't matter because this is where I want to be.

This is not where I want to be.

This is not what I want to be.

-----

She's at the top of a hill and I'm watching her touch Edward Cullen's face.

(_She's_ in the audience with a posy and a box of tissues.)

The sun is a traitor on this day on this hill. The white heat of it licks his skin and his slow smile makes diamonds that bounce around her.

She is lit up and she is beautiful.

Bells ring, -

_Bells, Bells, please..._

- the Minister speaks, my mom cries and claps her hands, and I want to interrupt, I want to tell Bella 'No. No. You don't leave me. You don't.'

I want to tell Bella 'I love you. _I. Love. You._'

But I don't have words.

I am inside the wolf, creaking and craning in its muscled body.

I am inside and there is no way out.


	19. Chapter 19

_Guilty._

That was the word I woke up to.

For a moment it was hanging there in my mind, low and pendulous.

And then the others avalanched.

_No. Stop. Go. Inside and no-way-out. And I hurt. And I hurt her. And death, diamonds. Fear._ Fuck!

And then finally, like a single snowflake on a pure mountain…

_Alone._

-----

As I crossed the school parking lot that morning there was only one thing on my mind.

No, that's not right. There were a lot of things on my mind, there were too many things on my mind, too many heavy, hard things, but in the midst of it all there was one thing that I was clear about. There was one thing that was suddenly simple.

-----

When Jenna Carlson wasn't standing around the water fountain outside the library with her friends, I felt an inappropriate surge of panic, spent first and second periods reminding myself that she wasn't Bella, she was just a girl, she was _some girl_ and vampires with a V – _Victoria, Volturi_ – weren't out for her blood.

When the bell rang I was the first out of the room even though I'd been sitting at the back. I jostled past a couple of girls, bumped one of them, and when I looked back she was rubbing her arm and giving me that _What-the-hell_ look.

I swallowed hard, felt my stomach ripple inward like I'd been punched, mumbled "Sorry," and hurried out into the quad.

Again, Jenna's friends were there, but she wasn't. It seemed like she was always around when I didn't care, when I'd basically been looking through her at all the things that mattered so much more, but now that I needed to see her she'd vanished. I felt sick, braced myself against the brick wall and thought how much easier this would be if Quil was here; he had some kind of freaky radar when it came to the exact location of cute girls.

I squeezed my eyes shut as it hit me that that was such a fucking trivial reason to wish Quil was here, opened them, stood up straight and glanced uneasily in the direction of the group of senior girls.

As I approached, the tight circle of their bodies fluttered out, and six pairs of eyes stared questioningly up at me.

"Do you guys know where Jenna is?" I asked.

One of them mouthed something at another, smirked and stepped forward slightly. "She's in the library. There's this English paper she's like, obsessed with."

Another girl started to say something else, and as soon as I heard the word_ prom_, I turned, threw "Thanks," over my shoulder.

She was in the library. Simple. And yet part of me didn't believe it. Part of me kept thinking, stupidly, irrationally, that I'd find the library Jenna-free and she'd turn up in a ditch somewhere, emptied out with a bloody gash at her neck.

I pushed the glass doors open with unnecessary force, strode in like I was headed for battle.

And she was there, third desk on the left, head down, protected by a fortress of books.

"Hey," I said, and it was loud enough to earn me a terse _Shh_ from the librarian.

Jenna looked up, smiled briefly and uneasily. "Hey, what's up? I mean, hi..." She shuffled her papers around.

"That's a lotta books," I said, lifting a hardcover with my finger and letting it fall. The dust-jacket bunched uncomfortably.

"Yeah, I get kind of intense about lit," she almost-whispered, "If this sucker comes back with a single red mark on it I'm gonna flip."

I nodded solemnly, even though that might have been a good time to make some sort of joke.

Jenna's hair was pulled back in a haphazard ponytail and she lifted a hand, ran her fingers over the slightly greasy loops on the crown of her head. "So uhh..." she smiled again, a little more convincingly this time, "Not to repeat myself, but what's up?"

I frowned. What was up? _The girl I'm in love with hates me because I basically mouth-raped her and I think I can make it better somehow by being a big old gentleman with you._

I went with "I sorted stuff out... sort of. Prom's on, if you're still interested."

Jenna looked down while I spoke, divided her papers into two piles and secured each with a paperclip; one of them was bent out of shape, and she was carefully smoothing it out when she said "Um, well, are _you_ interested?"

"Sure," I said quickly, "I mean definitely, yeah. I want to go."

And I did want to go, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

Jenna smiled at her straightened paperclip, pulled her hair out of its ponytail and ran her fingers through it, pressed her lips together. "Okay, awesome."

Her eyes flickered from me to the desk to me again to the clock on the wall. She stood up. "I've got bio next period and I can't miss it. I'm scarily close to flunking." She gathered up a stack of books. "Can you help me put these on the sorting table?"

I found myself grinning widely, because sure, I could do that, that was perfect.

I shifted the books for her while she packed up her stuff. When we were both done, I noticed her lips were glossy.

-----

As we headed out of the library, she pulled something out of her bag and held it out for me. "I made this for you. You were being such a jerk I was just gonna give it to one of my girlfriends, but I guess you sort of deserve it now."

I took it, turned it over in my palms. It was a CD, with 'good songs' written in black marker on the generic blue-lined cover.

"Oh. Thanks, that's..." I hesitated, a little taken aback by the gesture. "That's really nice."

Jenna shrugged. "You bought me a ticket to prom, I figured I could spare a dollar."

"Jenna!" one of her friends shrieked. "Get over here, you nerd!" The whole group collapsed into laughter and one of them was waving a cell phone around, in raptures over some message she'd received.

"I gotta go," Jenna said, "But wait, how are your friends? Quil and, um," she searched for the name and we said it together - _Embry._

"Yeah, that's the one. So are they coming to prom?" She raised an eyebrow, glanced over at a group of girls in the far corner of the quad, two of whom might have been Quil and Embry's dates. "Inquiring juniors wish to know."

I grimaced. "No, I don't think so. They're still really sick. Total quarantine." The lie was too weak to be so sterile, so I tried to embellish - "It's kind of hilarious though, Quil's dad is this close to buying us all surgical masks."

As I spoke I tried to get a look at the junior girls out of the corner of my eye without turning my head; from what I could make out they were now shooting equally surreptitious glances my way.

"Shit," I muttered, just as Jenna said "That's too bad."

She followed my gaze and added "Do you want me to tell them for you?"

My eyes widened. _What's this? A get-out-of-jail-free card?! _"Would you? That would kind of be the greatest thing any human being has ever done for me."

Jenna laughed. "Sure," she said, turned with a quick shake of her head. "I'll see you Friday. Are you picking me up?" she called back.

"Yeah, Friday. Seven."

She hurried over to her friends, wrenched the much-waved cell phone away from its owner and doubled over with laughter.

-----

I shouldn't have been surprised that the relief fixing things with Jenna brought me was short-lived. Pretty quickly everything else, all those more important and more complicated things, came crashing down on me. Names were all I needed. Victoria. Volturi. Embry and Quil. Jared. Bella.

Third and fourth periods were a nightmare. Lunch was a blur. And by the time I was sitting in American and Native American History I was torturing myself with _letter-writing._

_Dear Bella, _

That part was easy.

_I'm so sorry. I love you so much._

That was the same every time too.

But then... there was a long slope of whiteness to be filled and I didn't know where to start.

I tried something I remembered my creative writing teacher going on about in elementary school - the stream of consciousness method; just write, don't think about what you're writing, just write down whatever comes into your head. _"You'll be surprised at the things you come up with."_

The first time I did it, I read back what I'd written and it barely made any sense. It was just some crap about my mom and the bubonic plague, pancakes, honey, dish-soap and Alice Cullen.

The second time I just sounded like a whiny little bitch.

_I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just freaking out, because it feels like I need you, even if maybe I shouldn't, I don't know if I should, but I've been having these messed-up dreams and I don't want you to think that I was just trying to mess with you, I wasn't thinking because this whole thing is too much and it's like there's a thousand questions I should know the answers to but I don't, I never know what to do these days and I'm scared Embry's never gonna wake up, you know? And it sucks because I need him too, I need him and Quil because right now there's no one, I'd give anything for someone I could talk to and normally that would be you, normally I'd want to talk to you if there was something I was freaking out about, but there's no one now, there's no one to talk to except Dad and he'll just pat my shoulder and say things will all work out or some shit and they won't, I'm really scared that they won't, and Embry will never wake up and then maybe I'll be like that, you know? Maybe I'll be inside with no way out, except I won't even know I'm in there, maybe Embry will never wake up and you'll be dead, or gone, or whatever you want to call it, and I'll be this mindless loser thinking Some Girl Some Girl Some Girl, she's everything, she's the only thing, and Bells, this was never how I wanted things to be, I swear, I never wanted to hurt you, but I was just - _

I was just a whiny little bitch.

-----

The bell rang, school was out. I shoved my failed letters into my bag, told myself I'd try again at home where there was no one around, and it would work out better then.

-----

When I stepped out into the parking lot Sam was there, arms folded, eyes on me, and I thought _Right, when I said I'd give anything for someone I could talk to, I meant anyone but_ him.

He walked toward me, and I briefly considered just turning and walking the other way. Too bad he was between me and my bike.

"Jacob." He greeted me simply, the way he always did.

"Yeah, what do you want?" I asked, instantly hating the childish, sullen quality to my voice.

"I came to give you a lift home," Sam said.

_Oh right, playing daddy again are we? _

I rolled my eyes. "Well that's sweet and all, but I have my bike, so I'll be fine."

Sam didn't budge. "We can put the bike in the back of my truck. I want to talk to you."

I clenched my fists, because I did not fucking care whether he wanted to talk to me, let them fall loose again, said "Fine," because too much of me wanted - needed - to hear what he had to say.

I kept walking, Sam fell in step beside me.

"Since when do you have a truck?" I asked, biting back _Not that I care. _

"Since I started up my business." He nodded toward a large white vehicle parked next to my bike with _Sam's Painters_ written on the side in a cheesy-ass font.

"Nice name," I muttered sarcastically.

"Thanks," Sam replied, like he'd decided to take it as a genuine compliment.

When we reached our destination I looked around the lot, saw Jenna out of the corner of my eye. She gave me a little wave, and a slightly curious look. Her friends were outright gawking.

"You know you're kind of scary," I said to Sam. "You should work on that."

Sam chuckled. "You're kind of scary too. Maybe we should both work on it."

"Whatever," I said dismissively, crouching down and gripping the side of my bike.

Sam stood and watched, his arms still folded.

"A little help?" I asked, not hiding my annoyance.

He raised an eyebrow. "You can't handle one little motorcycle on your own, Jacob?"

I wanted to say _Oh fuck off. We're not BFFs. We don't do the manly joking thing._ Instead I patted the side of the bike, said "We're scary, remember? And everyone is watching."

"Oh," he said, "Right, sorry."

He bent down and took hold of the bike on the other side, and after a loud _one, two, three! _we lifted with matching groans of effort.

The bike landed in the bed of the truck with a thud and a little screech. I shook my hands out and grimaced, looked around to make sure everybody noticed it.

Again I caught Jenna's eye by accident and she smiled. I smiled back.

"Pretty girl," Sam said. "Very blonde. That's unusual round these parts."

"Right," I replied, irritated that he had noticed our exchange. "She's my prom date. You'll be thrilled to know that I'm going."

Sam just nodded, opened the driver's side door and got in.


	20. Chapter 20

As we pulled out of the parking lot the obvious question popped into my head. "Did you talk to Embry's mom?"

Sam nodded, gripped the wheel just a little bit tighter. "Yes. I told her everything… what we are. I don't think she really believed me though." He looked over at me as he said "Some things are pretty hard to believe until you've seen them happen with your own eyes," He paused, focused back on the road, "or heard them happen."

When he said that, meaningfully, carefully, _Kim Kim Kim_ swelled in my stomach, and I pressed my lips together tightly like I might vomit.

That wasn't an empty gesture. It was a moment before I could speak again. "But it's sorted?"

Sam shrugged. "She hasn't called the cops. And she's with him now."

I looked out the window after that, listened intently to the sound of the truck's tires crunching along shitty, old roads that were in serious need of resurfacing.

I was concentrating really hard on the constant, irregular crack-slip-roll when Sam pulled over and cut the engine.

I turned and raised an eyebrow. "I thought you said were giving me a lift home."

He shifted in his seat to face me. "I did. I also said I wanted to talk to you." He didn't give me a chance to object (and I might have, just for the sake of it). "I'm sorry I didn't tell everyone - anyone - about what was happening with Jared. I've apologized to him already and now I'm apologizing to you."

I remained tight-lipped, because there was nothing I could say to that that wasn't either too pissy or too nice.

Sam continued. "I try to make the right decisions. I try to do…" His forehead crinkled as he searched for the right words. "...this job as best I can. But it's not always easy, Jacob. The choices don't always seem clear when you're the person who has to make them."

Normally I would roll my eyes at that. Say something juvenile and pointless, maybe even something flat-out stupid, like _Right, and I bet the choices don't always seem clear when you're an_ asshole _either. _

I kept my mouth shut, waited for him to speak again.

"I didn't talk about it, because we were - we still are - in a crisis, and I knew it would scare the shit out of everyone. You especially..." He hesitated and his mouth barely moved on "And Leah."

I looked away when he looked at me again, stared stonily into the distance.

Sam sighed, sat back in his seat. "And to be honest it scares the shit out of me too."

"You?" I asked incredulously. "Why be scared. It's already happened."

"Yeah, and how did it turn out?"

I snorted. "Um, let's see, with a ring on her finger and regular googly-eyes?"

Sam leaned toward me, spoke low and quick. "If you really think that's the end of the matter for me, if you really think I don't care about... all of you..."

He left it hanging, I guess hoping I would deny that that was what I believed. When I didn't he sighed again, rubbed at his closely shaven head, reached up and curled his fingers around the grab handle. "I can't change your opinion of me. And that's not my priority, anyway."

"What is your priority, Sam?" I snapped.

His jaw twitched, he turned his body, looked me in the eye and made a small, rough sound of frustration. "Making sure the fucking center holds, okay? Making sure everyone doesn't die or end up like Embry."

He'd raised his voice slightly; that was something you noticed when it came to Sam.

My eyes narrowed seemingly of their own accord. "Embry hasn't ended up anywhere. Have a little faith, geez."

"Right. I've gotta have faith. In the Cullens."

"Yeah, you do. They're not the enemy."

The irony of parroting Bella's phrase wasn't lost on me. Neither was the fact that I was being an asshole in doing it, because I was the one who'd needed to be told that, not Sam. He hadn't been the one calling them bloodsuckers and leeches and wishing like hell that they'd just _fucking disappear._ He had welcomed their help from the get-go, however stiffly.

"I'm aware of the treaty, Jacob," Sam said, his voice even again, "And I'm aware that their actions have proven them to be allies in this fight. But I don't see any reason to believe that Carlisle will just come back with a cure and we'll - "

"Fuck," I interrupted him, leaned forward, rested my head in my hands. "I don't wanna hear it."

"I know," Sam said wearily. "No one does."

I pressed my palms into my face, spoke into the blackness. "I didn't want to hear about imprinting, either. I've never wanted to hear about it. So I guess I wish you'd been able to keep your secret."

"I was only delaying the inevitable," Sam said. "And even if by some miracle I had been able to keep it to myself forever, even if you hadn't known... it would still have been there. The possibility. At least this way you're not in the dark, and you can prepare yourself. Or take precautions."

I looked up sharply. "Precautions? Is there a vaccine or something?"

Sam laughed, shook his head. "Not that we know of. No cure either. But it stands to reason that there are ways to reduce the chances of it happening."

"Like what, I never leave my house again? I become the boy in the bubble?"

Sam tipped his head to one side, considering. It was a pattern with him - taking my sarcastic comments seriously. "No, that wouldn't be practical. But you go to school on the rez like everyone else, one way or another you've probably seen every Quileute girl there, right?"

"Probably. What's your point?"

"My point is... if you don't want to imprint, make sure you don't have a meet and greet with the next group of Sophomores. Actually, you should probably avoid the elementary school too. And if someone has a baby, don't go to the party."

I'd already caught onto what he was getting at and was only half listening; I was consumed with the possibility that there might actually be something I could do about this, and when I heard the word 'baby' I muttered "Jesus, is there some rule that imprinting has to break up happy homes?"

"I'm not talking about the mother," Sam said. "I'm talking about the baby."

My eyes widened. "What the _fuck?_"

He shrugged, suppressed a small smile at my reaction. "There are stories. It makes sense I guess; we're not getting any older after all, so there could be a little lee-way with what's age-appropriate."

I stared at him, and I could feel that my face was twisted and bunched into what had to be an expression of pure horror. "Oh God. Fuck. I'm gonna have a complex about babies, now. Thanks for those nightmares."

Sam chuckled. "It's rare, I wouldn't worry too much."

I wasn't all that reassured by his dismissal. "Imprinting on anyone was supposed to be rare. Two out of eight in less than a year doesn't sound all that not-gonna-happen to me."'

Sam nodded, but he didn't agree. "I dunno... I think, I _hope_, Jared and I were just..." - he smiled grimly at the word - "... lucky. Over the years our tribe has mixed with other tribes, shifted and mutated... This is one girl, Jacob, one girl in all the world, and, if babies are fair game, maybe it's all time too. Move to Sweden or something; some place where all the girls are blonde and blue-eyed like your prom date. There's no way the wolf is gonna want anyone there."

"I can't just move to Sweden..." As I said the words the idea became incredibly appealing, exhilarating even. I imagined packing a bag and taking Bella on the road with me, on some foreign road far away from my Native roots, far away from everything that was going wrong... I shook my head. "I'm in high school. And I have, like, responsibilities."

Sam nodded again, and again he didn't exactly agree. "You do, but at the same time you don't. Not to the point where your whole life is compromised. Which brings... Which brings me to my next... point. There's another thing I can't... I can't keep it to myself any longer. It's too dangerous."

He seemed to have a lot of trouble getting those last words out, and I turned fully to face him, suddenly desperate, almost physically _aching_ to hear what would follow.

"You're alpha," Sam said.

"What?" I whispered. I was winded, completely blind-sided and at the same time... I knew. I'd known. It felt like I had always known. It felt like _I'm alpha_ was a simple truth, and Sam saying it was almost redundant; it was like saying my hair was a bit longer than his, or I was good with cars.

"First in line from Ephraim Black. You're it. You're the chosen one. Excalibur is yours." He said it with a flourish of his hand and a half-grin. It was light and comical, and I wasn't used to seeing light and comical on Sam. Again I felt winded, like the whole world had shifted and settled back in exactly the same place, we were in exactly the same place, but everything was different.

I was staring at him, my mouth hanging open, my whole body weirdly heavy and loose.

Sam anticipated my next question before my brain had had a chance to get there. "I didn't tell you at the time because you seemed so invested in getting Bella back in your life, in keeping her there. And phasing for the first time is enough pressure. And then... I spoke with your Dad. He asked me not to tell you."

That woke me up. My muscles coiled tensely and my blood boiled with a familiar irritation. "What, so you and my dad had a little chat and decided I couldn't handle being alpha? Awesome. Good to know I have your respect."

Sam shook his head. "No. It wasn't like that at all Jacob, we both knew you could handle it. You were born to be alpha."

_"I wasn't born to be anything except myself."_ It ripped out of me before I could think, harsh and guttural and _angry._

Sam was unfazed. "Point taken. But the fact remains you are the best man for the job. The elders weren't happy about keeping this from you."

Again, I was annoyed - more than annoyed. I hated the idea that Sam and my father had been talking with everyone about this behind my back. "Alright, well if I was the best man for the job and the elders were pissed I wasn't doing it, then why was my dad so into keeping secrets?"

"I think he thinks about it sort of like you do - you weren't born to be anything but yourself. Being alpha is extremely limiting. And in a couple of years you could be heading to college, somewhere far away from here maybe. You could stop phasing, live a normal life. Billy didn't want you to be tied to this, not before you'd even given any serious thought to your future."

Right. That made sense. I felt the anger drain out of me like it had before, leaving me limp, almost scarily relaxed.

And then it occurred to me: Sweden. Taking Bella away from here. Growing old with her. Never imprinting.

"I don't want it," I said staring out at the road ahead.

"No," Sam objected, "Jacob, I don't want you to make that choice right away. Neither does Billy. It's not that he wanted you to _not_ be alpha, he just wanted you to make an informed decision when you were ready."

"I'm informed. I'm ready. I know everything I need to know. And I've made my decision." I looked him square in the eye, spoke evenly. "I don't want what you have."

Sam held my gaze, squinted like he was trying to make sure I really meant it. Then he smiled, even if when he spoke, there was an unmistakable trace of disappointment in his voice. "Okay."

I blinked rapidly. Sam looked... _different._ It was like I was seeing him for the first time. It was fucking _weird_.

"That was easy," I mumbled, still trying to adjust to this new man before me.

Sam laughed, and he was blinking too, leaning away from me like he was looking at a painting in a gallery. "Yeah, it was. The elders said we were going to have to resort to beating each other up to sort this out."

"Can't blame them," I said, feeling a totally unnerving smile spread across my face, "We're scary, after all."

Sam laughed again and this time I was laughing with him. _With him, Jesus Christ._

I pressed my hands against the dashboard as my laughter dissolved into a kind of low spluttering sound, coughed, shook, grinned, and said "Can you teach me?"

"What?" Sam asked, bursting out laughing again.

I laughed again too, because _What?_

I'd asked before I'd even processed what I was really asking, and I didn't know how to explain for a moment. But by the time we'd both calmed I'd figured it out; it made perfect sense. "You're better at some stuff. Than me. Or anyone. You're better at controlling... stuff."

Sam chuckled, but not with genuine abandon like before. He leaned forward, ran his thumb over the key in the ignition, stared into it. "This despite the fact that I'm the only one who's ever maimed a human being."

"Maybe it's _because_ of that," I said, and I pictured Emily's messed up face in my head, felt an unfamiliar surge of sympathy. "I don't want to..." I swallowed hard as Bella's face replaced Emily's, her lips trembling as she mouthed a silent _Get out._ "I don't want to have to learn the hard way."

When I looked up at Sam I noticed that his eyes had tears in them. And I thought there might be tears in mine too. I didn't care.

"I want to be able to control my thoughts when we're phased. And my actions all the time. I want to be able to stay calm, no matter what. Can you help me with that?"

"Sure," Sam said. "I mean, I can try."

"Can we start now?" I asked, suddenly eager. It wasn't that I wanted to put off writing my letter - well, it wasn't just that. It was that I wanted to have something to write in it. And this, that I was learning how to make sure what happened last night never happened again - not that I was going to, that I had already started – would be definite letter-writing material.

Sam eyed the clock on the dash, grimaced. "No, sorry, it'll have to wait till tomorrow. I'm supposed to start a job this afternoon and I'm already late. And besides," he said, an amused smile on his face, "I guess I'll need to make a lesson plan or something. I don't think there's a handbook for Controlling Your Inner Wolf 101."

"I wish there was."

I looked at Sam and said without a trace of bitterness "I wish there had been, for you."

-----

When I got home I went straight upstairs, sat on my bed and pulled a fresh sheet of paper out of my bag, rested it against my chem textbook and wrote.

_Dear Bella,_

_I'm so sorry. I love you so much._

Again, _again,_ that was where I hit a red light.

Talking to Sam had made some things clearer, or it had freed up some things, but the freedom, even if it was only a sliver really, felt wide and treacherous, and there was too much to say, too much I didn't know how to say.

There was always my plan - to learn from Sam how to control myself. But _I'm in anger management_ seemed a little too blunt for an opening.

I leaned back, looked up at the ceiling, thought _Think think think._

I was still _thinking_ when my cell phone buzzed on the nightstand where I'd left it.

I picked it up, eyed it warily.

_Green button is right. Right. It's not a text, it's – _

A number was lit up on the screen.

I knew that number. I'd dialed it too many times.

My fingers shook with the vibrations. My head felt light, my throat full and tight.

_Green button. Go._

_Stop. Get out. Go._

I pressed down with my thumb, lifted the phone to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hey."

Bella had barely gotten it out before I said "I wish you hadn't called me. I mean, wait, no. I'd never wish…" I shut my eyes, my fingers drew together, pulling the paper up into a fist. "I was writing you a letter."

Bella breathed out and it was loud; her mouth must have been right up against the receiver. When she spoke there might have been a smile in her voice. "Jake, you don't need to write me letters. We're fine."

I frowned. Somehow Bella telling me we were fine wasn't comforting.

"No, but… I mean… how's your wrist?" I asked doubtfully.

"It's fine," she said – _we're fine, it's fine_ -, added "Seriously it's just a little sore, it's nothing" in the silence that followed.

I sat forward on the bed, crossed my legs and pressed my still clenched fist to my forehead, said almost reproachfully "I was writing you a letter, Bells. It was nearly finished."

_Nearly finished. That's a big fat lie._

My hand squeezed tighter around the little ball of paper, pressed harder into my skin.

"Jake…" I heard a muffled sigh. "Honestly, I don't want you sitting there beating yourself up about last night. It was… It was my fault really."

My words came out on a jagged exhale, smothered half of _fault_ and all of _really._ "Oh Jesus, Bella, don't say that to me."

_'It was my fault really.'_ What the _fuck._ That was something out of a Lifetime special on domestic abuse.

"Don't say that," I repeated, trying to speak without shaking, forcing myself to relax my grip on the phone before I clutched it into useless pieces.

"Okay," Bella said softly. "Sorry. I mean, you're right. What I meant to say is it was both of our faults."

"Bells, you don't - "

"I shouldn't have had to tell you twice to stop…"

_Twice. Thank you God it was only twice -_

"… and I shouldn't have kissed you back the first time."

I was still busy rejoicing over _only twice_ when that hit, and it felt out of nowhere and obvious at the same time. I couldn't help the dull lurch in my stomach, the tears that stung my eyes.

"Oh," was all I could say.

Bella had more words: "Look Jake, I'm actually sorry, I really am. I hate how things happened last night. I wish… I wish I had been a better friend to you."

_A better friend._

Bella waited for me to say something, soldiered when I didn't. "I know how painful everything is for you at the moment. And… and imprinting, now that it's really… I mean, I know how you fee – I know how you must have felt. And I just… I wish I'd been nicer, you know?"

"Sure, sure," I said. An autopilot answer. It wasn't enough. "I mean, no, Bella, it's not like I gave you much of a chance to be… a better friend."

"I guess not..." she conceded, "… but I wish I had been anyway. And I want you to know that I hate what's happening, Jake. I hate everything that's happening, or that could... happen... to you."

Bella took a deep breath in and again it was loud and close, and I pictured her mouth, full and soft and right up against the receiver, right up against the receiver talking to me, she was talking to me and she hated things too and everything would be okay.

Then she breathed out "But I can't just ignore the fact that it could happen and at any moment you could - "

"_No,_" I interjected sharply. My chest throbbed, every muscle in my body curled around itself, tears that had only stung before started to fall. "_After._ That's after talk. _Please._" I thought I was going to choke on my desperation in that moment, swallowed quickly and forced out the next words, "Even if it's not about us, even if I've fucked that up, just - "

"Jake, you didn't fu - " Bella caught herself mid-curse and I smiled helplessly, wiped the tears away from my face. "You didn't mess anything up, it's not like that, I just don't see how - "

I interrupted her again. "_No._ Bella, just… please promise me there's still an after talk."

For what seemed like forever she didn't say anything and my heart sank with each silent beat.

But then, finally... "I promise. We'll talk."

I was thinking _Thank you God, thank you thank you_ while I told her again that I was sorry, and while she said she was sorry too, but she had to go.


	21. Chapter 21

**NOTE - **I don't usually do author's notes, but I wanted to let everyone know that the voting for the first round of the **Indie Twific Awards** is closing in less than 24 hours. I would have posted about this earlier but I didn't want to do one of those bullshit fake-out updates, so it had to wait till the chapter was done.

**'Then Direct You Into My Arms'** has been nominated for Best Alternate Universe Complete, Best Non E/B Storyline Complete, and Best Characterizations (non Edward/Bella) Complete, and **'If You Twist And Turn Away'** has been nominated for Best Alternate Universe WIP and Best Characterizations (non Edward/Bella) WIP. There are also a bunch of other fantastic J/B stories that have been nominated so be sure to check the list carefully for your favourites!

**http[colon]//www[dot]theindietwificawards[dot]com/vote[dot]aspx**

-----**  
**

"Bella Swan is a stupid, leech-loving bitch."

I held Sam's gaze, shrugged lightly.

His brow furrowed. "She's a stupid leech-loving bitch who doesn't love you and never will."

I rolled my eyes, threw my hands up.

It was Wednesday afternoon and we were in a clearing in the woods training. Except it wasn't going too well.

Sam had started by saying he was going to piss me off and I had to try not to rip his throat out. I'd reminded him that up until yesterday afternoon he'd been pissing me off 24/7 and I'd kept it together alright, but he'd just laughed and assured me this would be different - "Right, but this time I'm actually going to _try_ to be a dick."

It wasn't working.

"Nothing?" he asked, exasperated.

"Nothing," I confirmed grimly. "That stuff is way too obvious. And anyway your lips keep twitching like you're about to smile - so much for Mr. Control!"

Sam let himself break into a grin. "Well it's not like I've spent all this time working on concealing my amusement."

I raised an eyebrow. "The sourpuss is all natural then?"

Sam chuckled, shook his head. "Around you? Sure."

"And yet now you're giggling like a schoolgirl all the time. Almost makes me wish we hadn't sorted out that alpha crap."

Sam snorted, said lightly "Shut up. That's an order." He squared his shoulders. "Alright, I have a backup plan. It's a little karate kid, but bear with me." He took a deep breath in, and his lips twitched again just before he said "Close your eyes."

I mouthed "Oh please" as I did so.

"Yesterday, when I said you should start by sleeping more, you told me your dreams were fucked up."

"Right," I said, suddenly stiff, wary.

"So, I figure, think about the dreams. Try to replay - "

"I can hardly remember any of it," I interrupted quickly.

"Doesn't matter," Sam insisted. "Just focus on the feelings. On any images or words you do remember."

I didn't like this.

I told myself that was because I felt stupid standing there in the forest with my eyes closed being all Zen...

The truth was I was _scared._

I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to think about this. I didn't want to pull those sick, slithering ropes of nightmare out into the waking world...

It took everything in me not to scoff, to open my eyes, give them a roll and tell Sam this was bullshit, I hoped he had a backup backup plan. It took everything in me just to _try_ to go with this.

"Just try," Sam said, like he'd heard my thoughts even though neither of us was a wolf.

And I did.

I listened to each breath I took, each breath I expelled, to Sam's falling softly between mine. To the light breeze in the trees. To the occasional rustle of some small animal in the scrub. A gull cawing up ahead. A whisper in my memory...

_Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of..._

_My mother at the wedding  
black-haired and beautiful and_

_leaving_

_leaving with them_

_please - _

I felt my fists clench, my heart rate pick up. Some detached corner of my mind was looking down at me, at the beads of sweat trickling down the back of my neck, at the way my forearms were shaking, and thinking 'Ha. This is way too easy.'

And some other corner of my mind, somewhere dimmer, brighter... _flickering..._

_eggs on the engine and honey, honey_

_honey-eyes and her thighs are around me and it's good but -_

_it HURTS_

_and she's there, Bella, Bella, white dress, bloodied lips  
and the boy on the bed_

_and the boy_

_the little boy_

_she's -_

_I can crawl forever, but I'll never reach the top of the stairs_

_I am inside and there is no way out  
There is no way out_

_There is - _

There was a fierce snap in the air suddenly, a _snarl_, and when my eyes opened Sam was a huge black wolf, teeth bared and centimeters from my face.

I phased, lunged.

Sam ducked away and a split-second later I froze, fell forward, slid back into my human form.

I was crouched on the ground, shaking, my eyes wide. "Shit," I said softly.

Then I looked around at the tattered remains of my shorts, said "Shit" again a little louder.

Sam had phased back too. He threw me a pair of cut-offs. "I figured we might need a spare."

I went to put them on, my whole body still quivering so much that I was having trouble with the simple task.

Sam shook his head. "There's a cord in the pocket. We'll phase, work on screening your thoughts for a bit."

I exhaled - a long breathed stream of relief with "Thanks" on the end of it.

"Sure," Sam said, tying his own shorts around his ankle. "That's enough Karate Kid for one day."

-----

When we worked on my thoughts, the main one I had trouble keeping to myself, over and over, was _I failed._

But by the time we were done with our session I felt better - good, even. I hadn't failed, not really. As Sam had reminded me, the whole point of this was to push me to my limit, and even if I'd phased, I'd still been able to get a hold of myself pretty much immediately and phase back.

It was a start. It was a _good_ start and I felt strong.

I decided to go home with Sam, visit Embry and Quil. They were still at the house; the elders had advised against moving Embry, and Sam had managed to convince his mom that he'd be safer at his place.

Quil looked better, maybe; he'd slept a few hours last night, and at least he wasn't wearing sweaters or any freaky shit like that.

Embry's mom looked worse if anything; her eyes were so bloodshot they were almost vampiric, and she was sitting at the kitchen table staring wordlessly into an untouched mug of tea.

Embry... there was no change there. He was brutally, shockingly _the same._

I sat by the bed and watched him for a few minutes. He was shivering like he had been when I'd last seen him, and when I dared to lean over him, touch my fingers to his forearm, I flinched from the coldness of his skin.

I'd never wanted to see anyone more than I wanted to see Carlisle Cullen right at that moment.

-----

Next stop, Bella Swan.

Letter-writing seemed kind of melodramatic at this point, and a lot of the stuff I'd been going to say fell under the heading of after-talk - if I was going to hold her to that, if I was going to make her wait to tell me things, then I had to hold up my end of the bargain.

So letters were a no go, and besides, I wanted see her; a phone call wasn't enough; I wanted to see her smile at me instead of just hearing it in her voice - _maybe, she might have smiled when she said I didn't need to send her letters, I swear she did..._. And as I headed over there, on foot, upright and human, I realized there were things I wanted to tell her, or one thing in particular; I was aching to tell Bella about my first session with Sam, how it was just a start, but it was a _good_ start.

I wanted to tell her I felt strong.

The cruiser wasn't there. That was to be expected - as much as Forks was a nice little town, somehow Charlie never got off work until at least six. (Billy swore it had more to do with cards than actual police-work.)

The cruiser wasn't there, but Bella's truck was.

And parked next to it, a shiny silver volvo.

He was back.

My fists clenched, my forearms trembled like they had in the clearing.

A part of me wanted to burst in there and demand to know where the doc was, and why we weren't all in a meeting already.

A bigger part of me wanted to get the hell out of Bella's front yard, get the hell away from the sight of his car in her driveway, from the sweet, ugly scent I was beginning to detect in the air.

Out.

I wanted out.

-----

I went home and called Sam, told him the Cullens were back - or one of them at least. He could deal with it - I trusted him to deal with it now. It was his job, after all.

I called Sam and then I sat on my bed, my fingers gripping the edges tightly.

So he was back.

Was that why she'd had to go yesterday? Had he come in her window when she was talking to me? Had she thrown her arms around him? Told him she'd missed him, kissed his mouth, said "I love you" without qualifications? Had Alice gone home last night and left him to look after her? Would she be sleeping in his arms tonight?

I would have been stupid to expect anything different, I knew that. But somehow it _felt_ wrong. Ever since she'd kissed me the first time, the idea of her kissing him too... it made me crazy.

I was just wondering what kind of jealousy-inspired dreams I was in for tonight when my cell phone - still on the nightstand - buzzed, just exactly like it had done yesterday.

_Bella._

My heart surged, and I scrambled for it, grabbed it and pressed the green button.

"Bells," I breathed, faintly aware that I was acting like a lovesick teenage _girl._

Nothing. No one spoke on the other end.

I frowned, looked at the phone, and smacked my forehead with my palm.

I really wasn't getting any better at this. It wasn't a call, it was a text. And not from Bella this time.

_hey jacob. just realized u never asked 4 my address. hope that wasnt gonna be an excuse 2 not show up haha. 44 ridgeway. see u at 7 or my cd back._

44 Ridgeway. That was like, 3 blocks from Quil's place (which I was sure he was keenly aware of when he wasn't in a state of psychological and emotional distress.)

I stared at the phone for a moment, my foot tapping restlessly on the floor, my chest rising and falling with shallow breaths as I thought _Not Bella. Just some girl. Just this girl who thinks I want an excuse not to show up. Not Bella. Some girl. 44 Ridgeway._

I stood up, threw the cell down on my bed, pulled on a clean shirt and fished around for the keys to the rabbit.

Quil was sleeping, Embry was comatose, Bella was - I cringed - _busy_, Sam was... still Sam, at the end of the day.

But I could go see Jenna Carlson at 44 Ridgeway.

And right now, for some unknown reason, I _wanted_ to.

-----

A chubby woman with blonde hair and several strands of earth-toned beads around her neck opened the door.

Her eyes widened (you get used to that when you're freakishly tall and, well, 'scary looking'), and then she smiled, stuttered a "Hello" and asked what she could do for me.

I fidgeted uncomfortably, tried to force myself to look her in the eye, smile, extend my hand, be the kind of boy you wanted your daughter to go to prom with. It took me a moment to gather myself and do all that; I was so used to the all-male, barely-there attentions of Charlie and Billy that somehow I hadn't expected a _mom_ to open the door.

Once I'd explained who I was, the mom - Joanne, she went straight for first-name basis - smiled more broadly than she had before, called out to Jenna and to someone named Tom... who turned out to be the dad.

Or the step-dad. He was native; way too native to have had anything to do with creating a blonde, blue-eyed daughter whose mild tan was undoubtedly fake.

I shook his hand and endured the appraising stares and small talk, all the while wondering what the hell was taking Jenna so long.

It was at least another thirty seconds before she appeared and her parents dissolved quickly into the shadows.

"Hi!" she said. It was breathless and squeaky, like she'd been running, and I thought _She was sprinting to the door? How big is the damn house?_

Then she ran her fingers through her hair and I smelled perfume, sharp, freshly applied, took in the powdered flawlessness of her skin...

I averted my eyes quickly, ducked my head so she wouldn't notice the amused grin that was taking over my face.

_Ah. That's what took so long. What a_ girl.

"I got your text," I said, once I had my mirth under control.

"Oh," she said, brow furrowed, lips upturned, "Well you could have just texted me back."

I snorted. "Probably not, actually. I'm kind of technologically challenged."

"That's weird," Jenna said. "I mean since you're so good with cars and stuff. I would've figured it's kind of the same."

I frowned. "How did you know I was good with cars?"

She giggled, shivered as she did so, rubbed her hands over her bare arms. "Quil mentioned you basically built your car. I think he was talking you up."

"Oh right," I said, shaking my head. "Why am I not surprised."

Jenna smiled, mumbled "I was suitably impressed by the way", added very quickly "Hey can you wait a sec? I'm gonna go grab a jacket. I'll be right back."

I nodded and she disappeared into the house, reappeared a minute later armed against the cold that wasn't touching me, two glasses in her hands.

She held one out for me, said "Here. Sorry, it's just Kool-aid. I did cut a key to the liquor cabinet within a week of moving here, but we're being _watched._"

I glanced furtively at the darkened front window as we sat down on the porch steps. "That's nice to know."

Jenna laughed. "Don't worry. My mom's actually really chill. And my step-dad is having a party in there."

I raised an eyebrow, confused as to how or why the guy could have taken such a liking to me. "I didn't think my handshake was _that_ special."

Jenna laughed again. "I'm going to prom with a _Native boy_. It's like a dream come true for those two. That's actually why I'm going to school on the rez; they both wanted me to, like," she lifted her free hand and made air quotes, "'embrace the culture'.

"Ah," I said.

"Yeah," Jenna continued, "I battled hard for Forks High, which..." she covered her face for a moment, looked up sheepishly, "... sounds totally racist and lame. But I guess I was just scared I wasn't going to fit in, you know?"

I sipped my Kool-aid, tried not to grimace at the sickly-sweet taste. "Sure, sure. I mean that makes sense - I'd probably be the same the other way round."

"Right. But then I realized you guys do actually have a football team and a cheer squad, and I knew everything would be okay."

"You're really into that stuff, huh?" I asked absently. It was a stupid question. It was a boring question. It was better than nothing.

"Sure," Jenna said happily. "I mean, it's fun. And it's a good way to make friends. Well, I guess more like _frienemies_." She rolled her eyes as she said the word.

"Things aren't all sunshine and puppy dogs on the squad?"

Jenna shrugged. "It's not really limited to the squad. Girlfriends in general can just be kind of... _hmm_..." she tipped her head to one side, squinted and pursed her lips in thought, "...high maintenance."

I smirked. "Tell me about it. Quil's a full time job."

Jenna was taking a sip of her Kool-aid when I said that and wound up spluttering a little, then declared that she "loved" Quil and would be happy to take him off my hands anytime.

We talked on like that for a few minutes. It was light and easy; Jenna seemed to be pretty good at filling awkward pauses.

At one point she was telling me about her lit paper and the obsession she had with some novel about a French chick who gets bored with her husband and sleeps with a whole bunch of people and winds up offing herself with arsenic...

I kind of zoned out. If it had been Bella talking about her books, if it had been Bella gushing about Jane Eyre, I would have been all ears...

I was a hypocrite. I was shallow and rude and Bella...

She'd be with _him_ right now. He'd be watching her eat, getting ready to watch her sleep... getting ready to do who knows what in between... I reminded myself of what Bella had said in the garage when she'd kissed me; they couldn't do much or he'd freak out and kill her... That was a relief at least. I froze. Unless the bastard decided to give it a try anyway.

_Jesus Christ, what if they're going at it right now and he bites her before I even get a chance to - _

"Jake?" Jenna nudged my thigh with her knee. "Are you okay?"

"Huh?" I blinked. "Oh shit, sorry." I set my glass down, rubbed at my eyes with my fingertips, looked back up at her and smiled. "Sorry Jenna, I'm an asshole. Or I'm just really beat."

Jenna didn't seem too offended. In fact she was beaming at me. "Hey that's the first time you've said my name."

"Really?" I frowned, shook my head. "I mean... what?"

She grinned, set down her glass next to mine and leaned over to pull at the laces of her sneakers. "Well I mean, I don't know, maybe you say it all the time. You've just never said it to me before." She turned her head to look at me, her expression shifting quickly into one of displeasure. "Can you never say it again?"

"Um... okay..."

_What the..._

Jenna laughed, went back to tugging at her shoelaces. "I hate my name."

I leaned forward too, stared at my bare feet, wondered briefly if she thought that was weird, like I couldn't afford shoes or something. "What's wrong with Jenna?" I asked.

She shrugged, her whole back moving in her hunched position. "Nothing, I guess. Up until last year it was fine. But then I moved in with my step-brother and he decided it would be hilarious to call me Jenna Jameson at every possible opportunity, so... yeah. Jenn's good. Or Jenny. Or whatever."

I laughed, chose 'Jenny', and she was starting to say something else about her "delightful" step-brother when a wolf howled.

By the tone and timber I knew it wasn't an ordinary animal; it was Sam, calling us to phase.

_Way more efficient than a stupid cell phone._

Jenna shuddered visibly and audibly, muttered "Wolves."

I felt my mouth twist involuntarily into a grin, couldn't quite stop myself asking "Not a fan?"

She screwed up her face. "I'm a fan of all my limbs being attached. So wolves are great I guess, I just really don't wanna meet any."

-----

After I said goodnight to Jenna - _Jenny,_ I got in the rabbit and drove to the edge of the woods, phased.

It was still a little early for patrol so I wasn't too surprised when Jared's thoughts told me we were meeting at Paul's.

I gritted my teeth, steeled myself.

I wasn't so much worried about seeing Cullen with Bella - well, I was, but it paled in comparison to the sudden and wrenching anxiety I was having about Embry - what the doc would say, whether there would be anything he could do...

Because this was it. This was the moment where I would have to face the reality of what was happening to Embry head-on.

If Carlisle Cullen was back and he had nothing...

I wasn't sure I'd be able to cope.

-----

A reprieve of sorts. Carlisle wasn't back. Edward and the big guy had caught up with him in the freaking Congo or whatever and told him what was going on; he and soccer mom had decided to hit up some of their vampire buddies for more information.

They'd promised to return as quickly as possible.

Once that was out of the way, once I'd been given a few more days maybe of burying my head in the sand when it came to Embry, it became harder not to notice Bella... not to notice Bella and Edward together, their white-on-white fingers sporadically interlinked.

I tried to avert my eyes, failed, saw that Bella was doing a much better job of averting hers...

_Cullen_ on the other hand. He was basically staring at me.

It was fucking annoying, especially since he had this holier-than-thou expression on his face, like he was _pitying_ me or some shit. _Me_ of all people.

Irritation flared and my mind flew viciously to Bella kissing me in the garage, Bella kissing me in her bedroom. I clenched my jaw, tried to stop thinking about it, realized that that only meant I was thinking about not thinking about it and none of the techniques I'd learned with Sam were stopping anything and oh fuck Bella was going to _hate_ me for this...

The bloodsucker's expression hadn't changed.

He was still giving me that _look_... like regardless of what I'd just been letting slip with my thoughts, if I could read _his_ mind it would be telling me _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

My eyes narrowed as I peered into his. The space between us hummed, Old Quil's voice crumbled into ashes...

Everything became very still.

The humming cut out.

We were locked together in pure silence.

He looked away abruptly and in the same split-second I looked down at Bella's fingers.

She was pulling her sleeve down over the knuckles of her left hand.

I didn't need to see what was under it to know that she'd made her choice.


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's Note** - So! The **Indie Twific Awards**. **'If You Twist And Turn Away' **didn't make it through, alas. However, **'Then Direct You Into My Arms'** has made it through to the top ten in two categories: Best Non E/B Storyline Complete, and Best Characterizations (non Edward/Bella) Complete. Thanks to everyone who voted for me in the first round and thanks in advance to anyone who votes this time!

**http[colon]//www[dot]theindietwificawards[dot]com/vote[dot]aspx**

-----**  
**

Silence. I turned in it, even as voices sounded around me. I took two short steps to Sam's side, said I had to go.

He nodded in reply, which was a good thing, because if he'd spoken I'm not sure I would have heard him.

I turned again, walked out of the room, down the slim, quick hallway out onto the bricked path that cut through the front lawn.

_Out._

Someone was following me, and I knew it was her before I heard the muffled skid and stumble at the door.

The silence was lifting, little by little. Bella's feet thumped after me, birds sang to each other.

I kept walking.

"Wait!" she called out, "Jake, please! _Wait!_"

I stopped, whispered _haha_, turned.

"Wait?" I asked, "What exactly am I waiting for?"

Bella was breathing hard, tears were streaming down her cheeks. "I... just... _please._ I don't... I'm _sorry._"

I stared at her for a moment, at her eyes that were wide and pleading, at her body that was shaking like a pile of dead leaves in a storm. I stared at Bella for a moment and then I said "Okay", turned, walked.

"Jacob _please!_" she screamed again. It was a thin wail, followed again with "_Wait._"

I stopped.

She caught up to me, ran around to face me. "I'm so sorry, please, I need to explain. I wanted to... I wanted to talk to you, I was going to talk to you, it's just that Sam called and the meeting happened so fast and..."

I watched her while she spoke, looked straight into her face. Her eyes dipped urgently from side to side. Her arms were wrapped tight around her chest.

"When he came home he asked me again and he had the ring and I... And I told him what happened with us, I told him everything and I - "

"Well I'm glad you were so _honest._" My voice ripped through hers and she stepped back twice.

"I... I had to tell him, and I... He..."

"And he said 'Never mind Bella, let's get married?' What a relief."

"I..." Bella looked down, pulled her arms tighter, dug her fingers into her skin. Her sleeve was forgotten now, and there it was, huge and sparkling in the last dim rays of traitor-sun.

_death diamonds fear fuck -_

"I'm sorry, Jacob, but I love him. And I love you too, I do, but I can't just... _send him away._" She blinked rapidly as she said that; her lips pressed together then opened with a short gasp. "I can't just send him away and love you and spend the rest of my life waiting for you to imprint on somebody and send _me_ away, you have to understand that, you have to know that I can't - "

"Oh right. I don't get a shot with you because I'm defective. Nice. Just FYI Bella, if you had cancer, if you _might_ get cancer, if your mom had died..." I looked up at the sky, clasped my hands together behind my back. "If your mom had died of cancer, if everyone on your fucking family tree had died of fucking cancer I wouldn't just turn my back on you. I wouldn't not choose _you._"

"That's not..." I heard a clicking sound when Bella swallowed, looked back at her in time to see her shaking her head. "It's not the same."

"Yes it is! It's exactly the same. It's like a disease. It's like a shitty gene. Or it's like I _might_ have a shitty gene. Like I _might_ get Huntingtons and lose my mind and not be what you need, that's exactly what it is. And it's not even... it's not even something that _has_ to happen, if we... If _I_..." I didn't bother finishing that sentence. "But we were going to talk about this. We were supposed to talk about all of this stuff together, remember? _After._ You promised. You fucking _promised._"

"I promised we'd talk and we _will_, I haven't - "

"What's to talk about?" My voice was low and rough. "There's a ring on your finger and he's probably doing the martyr's victory dance as we speak. It's done."

Bella shook her head, stepped forward. "Jacob I promised we'd talk, there's still... there are still things on the table. You said it didn't have to be just about _us._"

"And you said I hadn't fucked _us_ up!"

"Because you didn't! The kiss was nothing. It's not your fault, none of this is your fault and it's not that I don't still _want_..." She blinked like she had before, gasped like she had before. "There are still things to talk about, Jake. I haven't decided to go through with becoming one of them."

"What, you're not going to take his name? How modern of you."

"No!" she insisted, her fingers digging harder into her skin. She took a deep shuddering breath, gritted her teeth to say "I haven't decided about being a vampire. I haven't decided that at all."

I should have been happy, maybe. I should have been relieved. But _I haven't decided_ wasn't _I'm not going to,_ and a lifetime was short, but every day she spent with them would be long enough for her to change her mind...

And somehow, the idea that she might stay human, that she might stay soft and warm and alive and give it to him anyway... It _hurt._ It hurt so much I could barely think. It hurt so much there was no room for hope.

I spoke quickly, bitter words tumbling out before I could stop them. "Oh. Well that's interesting. How will that work? You live a long and happy life together in which he never bites you and you never get Huntingtons and then when you die of old age surrounded by all your fat grandchildren - oh wait - he runs away to off himself again? That's nice Bella, just make sure you remind him not to take a bunch of Italian kids with him this time."

"Jacob..." she whispered, her eyes closed, tears spilling out anyway. "Please..."

"Please _what._ Please _not_ feel like shit? Please not _hate_ you?" My voice rose, filled, expanded in the air. "_I fucking hate you Bella._"

She opened her eyes, swallowed, coughed, pulled one arm from around her body and pressed her palm to her chest. "_Please..._"

I stared at her, breathed deeply, waited while my body unclenched, while my hands unlocked behind my back and fell to my sides; I waited as another single snowflake fell down, down onto the pure white slope...

"No."

As I said it, the bloodsucker's scent filled my nostrils. I turned saw him and the pixie walking toward Bella, saw my dad wheeling toward me across the lawn.

"Jacob," he said in a low, father-knows-best voice, "You need to shut this down."

"You," I hissed, "You _lied._ You lied to me and to everyone for _months._ So I guess I fucking hate you too."

I walked past him, broke into a run, heard Bella call my name again as I reached the tree-line, heard her call out "_Wait!_"

I didn't stop.

-----

I went home, crawled into bed, slept and dreamed of wide empty blackness, of nothing.

I dreamed nothing for a long time and when I woke up it was already eleven and my cellphone was buzzing.

I thought of school, forgot school.

About a half hour later maybe my dad called out to me. I couldn't bring myself to reply.

There was a part of my brain that was still functioning, chugging along quietly in the background, and it was telling me I shouldn't have said what I said to him. I hadn't wanted to. I'd seen him since Sam had spoken to me and I'd chosen to say nothing, to let it go because I knew he had only been lying for my sake.

I wanted to apologize to him.

But I didn't want to leave my room. I didn't want to speak.

Thursday moved quick-slow. I'd look at the clock and see a minute and a half, then two hours. My cell phone stopped buzzing somewhere around midday, started up again in the evening.

I ignored it.

I was beginning to think I might actually never leave my bed, but then I shifted and felt an excruciating pain in my gut.

I needed to pee.

I needed to pee but I wasn't leaving this room.

I was never fucking leaving this room.

I lifted my window, pissed down onto the ground, closed my window, fell onto my bed again, slept and dreamed _nothing._

-----

Friday.

I wondered briefly if I'd slept longer than that, if it was Saturday and Jenna Carlson had waited and waited for a prom date that never came. Maybe she fucking hated me now just like I didn't fucking hate my dad...

Just like I didn't fucking hate Bella even though I wished so much that I could.

I picked up my cell phone. The battery died just as I caught sight of the date.

No. Friday.

I was hungry. And thirsty. Both in the extreme.

I could hear my dad downstairs on the phone. He was speaking quietly, which was pointless because I'd probably be able to hear him even he was whispering out in the yard and I didn't really give a damn anyway. I heard something about Embry, something about alpha, something about Bella Swan...

I didn't care. He could worry all he wanted, he could talk about my problems all he wanted.

I was never leaving this room.

Except I was _thirsty._

I sighed, picked myself up off my bed and opened the door, walked quietly to the bathroom and drank greedily from the faucet. I pissed again, in the toilet, like a civilized person.

I ignored the vicious gnawing in my stomach, went back to my room, shut the door and locked it, fell onto my bed, slept through emptiness again.

-----

I wasn't sure what time it was when I was woken by a relentless pounding on my door. I was facing away from my alarm clock and I didn't want to turn my head.

I lay there and waited for it to stop, pressed a hand to my angry, angry stomach.

It didn't stop. I counted the seconds to see how long whoever it was could keep it up.

_sixty, sixty one, sixty two, sixty... whatever._

"Jacob."

It was Sam.

He banged his hand against the door a couple more times. "Billy's given me permission to break the door down if you don't open it in the next minute. He's said you'll be paying for the damage."

I groaned. It wasn't so much that I gave a shit about the door or paying for it.

But Jesus _Christ_ I was hungry. So I sighed, stood up on limp legs, shuffled over to the door and opened it.

Sam was coiling back on the other side, ready to kick it in.

"Hi," I said. My voice was crackly and dry, like I'd just come out of a coma.

I thought of Embry and a wave of guilt and longing crashed through me.

"Hi," Sam said. "That was close. You're lucky."

"Yeah," I said bleakly. "I'm a lucky guy."

"You look like shit and prom starts in an hour, " Sam said matter-of-factly.

I raised an eyebrow, slumped against the doorframe. My stomach was _killing_ me and I felt sort of dizzy. "I'm not going to prom," I muttered.

"Yes you are," Sam said firmly.

I didn't need any alpha bullshit for that to piss me off. "No way," I said, "I seriously can't. I _can't._"

"Yes you can," Sam said, "You have to. The situation with Quil and Embry is bad enough, and now Jared will be off school at least a week, so you're - "

"What? Why?" I asked, standing a little straighter, my body pulled tight suddenly.

"We were ambushed last night on patrol."

I gripped the door handle, the floor surged accusingly up at me. "Jesus, but he's not... it's not like with Embry?"

"No," Sam said quietly. "He'll heal. It was the other one, the redhead. She trashed him, but he got her. Seth helped. She's dust in the wind."

I breathed out in relief, closed my eyes, fell back against the doorframe.

"Sweet," I muttered.

"Prom," Sam replied.

I opened my eyes, one at a time. "Look, Sam, honestly, I feel like hell and I don't even have anything to wear. Even if all the stores weren't already closed, they probably don't stock rental tuxes for giants, so - "

Sam interrupted me with a grin. "That's why you're a lucky guy. Mine's downstairs. I had to get it made specially last year."

I groaned. "Um, well, there's not a lot of time and like you said, I look like shit and - "

"Please, what are you, female? It should take you five minutes to shower and get downstairs. I'll be waiting." He started down the stairs, called out without looking back "There's half a roast chicken in it for you if you're quick!"

-----

I was quick; the scent of the chicken hit me the second I stepped into the shower; Sam must have unwrapped it or heated it up or something. It smelled _incredible_. It smelled like the absence of roast chicken was the only thing standing between me and pure and enduring happiness.

So I was quick. I was downstairs within a minute, my hair clean and dripping, a towel wrapped around my waist.

I lunged at the chicken, practically knocking the table over to get to it.

Sam grinned. Billy chuckled, and I caught his eye, mumbled between quick, voracious bites "Sorry about before dad."

He just shook his head, smiled, nodded to Sam. Then he wheeled himself out of the kitchen, pausing to grab a handful of fries on the way.

"Oh _God,_" I groaned, licking my fingers, wiping the grease off my face with the back of my hand. "This is the greatest stuff I've ever eaten."

Sam laughed. "I'll pass on your compliments to the skinny kid at the diner."

"Please do," I spluttered, trying to down a glass of water while speaking.

Sam reached out, grabbed the half-cleaned carcass from under me and shoved it in the bin. Then he grabbed the fries too. "I'm cutting you off."

I gave him my best horrified stare and he laughed again. "You were going kind of nuts on that bird. Wouldn't want you to end up like those poor suckers on the Burma Railway."

"Huh?"

"Prisoners of war. They were starved for months, and then when they got liberated, they basically gorged on food and half of them wound up dead. Systems couldn't handle it."

I seized a fry that had fallen onto the table, shoved it in my mouth. "Two days is not months. And half a chicken is not gorging for guys like us."

Sam nodded. "True. But we're also running out of time, and you look like you just dove headfirst into a puddle of fat. You're gonna need to wash your face." His upper lip curled slightly in disgust. "Or just get back in the shower. You're not going near my tux like that."

I sighed, walked over to the sink and poured myself another glass of water, gulped it down. "How long do I have?"

Sam looked at his watch. "Ten minutes max, if you don't wanna be late."

-----

It took me a lot less than ten minutes to get ready. I washed up, put on Sam's tux, which fitted pretty much perfectly. Then I hunted around for the keys to the rabbit, half glad that I was having so much trouble finding them - I was dreading the silence, the moment when everything was done and dusted and I was just waiting to leave, with nothing to distract me from the knowledge that I was going to prom with someone who wasn't Bella, that Bella was wearing a ring that wasn't mine.

After three minutes of looking, three and a half, four... The clock was ticking and I couldn't find them anywhere. My secret relief at having something to do gave way to irritation because seriously where the hell were my damn keys!

Then remembered something - the constant dull jabbing of metal into my thigh when I'd been lying in bed... They'd be in the zip up pocket of the pants I was wearing Wednesday night.

I paused halfway up the stairs (my third trip up in the last three minutes), said _"Shit,"_ because that little recollection led me to remember that I'd walked all the way home, and the rabbit was still somewhere outside the forest in on the far side La Push where I'd left it to go to the meeting.

I hadn't had the presence of mind to go back to get it afterward.

I kicked the stair, swore again, forced myself up the rest of the stairs, found the pants, crumpled on the bathroom floor, the keys in the pocket.

Sam said he'd drive me to my car, and before I left I said goodbye to my dad, joked that this was going to be a big night and he shouldn't wait up, apologized again for what I'd said on Wednesday. He just nodded again, looked down, chuckled in a way that seemed a little forced.

I wondered if I'd really hurt him or something. I wondered if an apology - two apologies - wasn't going to be enough.

I pushed that unpleasant thought out of my mind, steeled myself for the job ahead: not having an emotional breakdown at junior prom.

-----

The little detour made me late. When I got into the rabbit it was already seven, and when I exceeded the speed limit I thought of Charlie Swan pulling me over with disapproving looks and a ticket, winced, _ached,_ because _Bellabellabella,_ pressed down on the accelerator.

I was nearly there, only a few minutes late, when I remembered something about what color sweater Jenna - _Jenny _- had on and something else about making it easier for me to pick out a corsage.

"Fuck," I said loudly, banging on the steering wheel. _"Fuck, fuck, fuck!"_

I screeched to a halt a couple of blocks from her house when I saw a well-tended garden, got out of the rabbit, looked around frantically at the various flower beds, trying and totally failing to remember the color.

"Fuck it," I muttered. I glanced left, right, behind me, in front, crept up to the side of the house and snatched a flower, something lush and red with velvety petals. It would have to do.

-----

When I arrived at Jenny's place she was out on the front porch waiting for me and I slammed on the brakes, unnecessarily abruptly, leaned forward as I did so, felt my body lurch back when the car stopped.

_White._

She was wearing white. A flowing, full-length dress that was sleeveless and tight at the waist and _white_.

Tears prickled at my eyes, my stomach churned, and as I walked toward her, a lie of happiness plastered on my face, I tried to focus on all the things that made her not-Bella; the blonde hair falling down over her shoulders that seemed blonder than it had been on Wednesday, the crisp mid-blue of her eyes, the manicured nails at the ends of long fingers that were clutching a tiny shimmery purse, the wide glossy smile on her face, like she was so happy to see me, like she was so happy to be going with me to junior prom...

She said something to me when I stepped up onto the porch, something I assumed - hoped - was just 'Hello Jake' and not some question I was supposed to be answering.

"Hi," I said, forcing my eyes to look her over, to take in her face and her hair and the fucking might-as-well-be-a-wedding-gown. "You look really pretty."

"Thanks," she said, grinning and turning quickly to retrieve something from the small wrought iron table.

It was a white flower. A proper one with a pin and everything and as she attached it to my button-hole I thought of the lame-ass _red_ flower sitting on my dash, tried not to cringe.

Jenny was close to me while she worked, very close. She was a little taller than Bella, but still, she was pretty small by ordinary standards, tiny when measured against me.

She was up on tip-toes, her stomach resting lightly against my hip for balance. I could feel her breath reaching up to my neck, smell the minty sting of it under her floral perfume.

And then she was done, stepping away from me to admire her work, declaring it "Perfect".

She shot me an expectant look and I didn't know what to do except ignore it, smile wide, ask when her parents were going to break out the party poppers.

Jenny laughed, shook her head. "They're not here." She smiled conspiratorially, whispered "No Kool-aid for me tonight!"

I smiled, nodded even though I wasn't exactly sure what she was on about. "But I'm the Native boy who's taking you to prom. Where's my damn red carpet?"

"Oh I can go roll it out if you like?" Jenny asked, her eyes wide and mock-innocent.

I waved a hand dismissively and she giggled. "They took my step-brother camping. Not King Porn," she clarified, "My little step-brother, Matt. He's in your year."

"Yeah, I sort of know him. By which I mean Quil knows him."

She smiled. "Right. He's a great guy. He's just really shy. Like, _really._ I tried to set him up with a couple of girls for prom, but in the end he just wouldn't actually do the asking." She sighed. "So yeah, since it's his prom and I'm the one going..." She drew in a tight breath through her teeth, raised her eyebrows. "...camping seemed like a good idea."

"Right." I said. "Well that's too bad. That he's not going. And that your parents aren't here..."

Jenny raised an eyebrow, smirked.

I shuffled my feet a little, ducked my head. "... with their cameras and enthusiasm."

She laughed. "Uh huh, I bet you're real disappointed right now. But don't worry..." She turned back to the table, picked up a small digital camera. "... we can still do the Myspace thing."

I frowned, because I had no idea what the 'myspace thing' was.

Jenny tugged on my sleeve, pulled me closer to her and told me to bend my knees "really a lot".

Then she held the camera up as high as her arm would reach, ordered me to smile.

I did. She took a photo, then another, and another for good measure, scrolled through them to make sure at least one of them had both our faces in it.

Then she put the camera inside, locked up the house and followed me to the car.

_Car. Dash. Stupid red flower from a garden she probably drives by every day. Shit. _

I thought about just reaching in quickly and crushing the damn thing in my hand before she could even see it, caught sight of my lapel in the window, decided that as embarrassing as it was, a stupid red flower was probably better than nothing at all.

When when were both in our seats, I hid a grimace, reached for the flower and handed it to her. "Here," I said, "It's the wrong color and there's no pin or anything. I was kind of sick the past couple of days - "

Jenny interrupted me, asked what was wrong, did I have what Quil and Embry had?

"No, no," I assured her, "Nothing like that. I'm fine now. But I forgot to pick up your corsage. I'm really sorry."

Not lies. Not exactly. I had forgotten to pick it up. No need to mention that I'd also forgotten to order it. And what could you call the state I'd been in since Wednesday but _sick_?

Jenny didn't seem to mind too much. She just smiled, held the flower to her nose and inhaled, said "Thank God for other people's flowerbeds, huh?"

I grinned, hung my head with a sheepish "Yeah."

"It's pretty, that's what counts, right?" she asked softly. It was almost lost under the roar of the engine.

When I looked over at her, she was tucking the flower behind her ear.


	23. Chapter 23

Walking through the double doors to the community center was surreal, almost like an out-of-body experience.

_Junior prom._

I'd never counted on going. Even before Bella Swan and her issues with social gatherings, it just wasn't something I would have done because… _junior prom?_ Maybe senior prom. Sure. I would have gone to that, because come on, you sort of have to do it, and I guess, in a world where Bella had never come into my life, it stands to reason that there would have been some girl or other than I would have liked enough to ask, and maybe she would have liked me (or prom, or both) enough to go and maybe…

But junior prom… In a wolfless, Bella-less world, in which Quil hadn't made a stupid bet, I probably would have spent the night on the beach with him and Embry, passing an illicit can of Vitamin-R back and forth and fucking around with firecrackers or something, making jokes about how we were way too cool to be at _junior prom._

And in this world… Well, the world up until a few short weeks ago, when I was in love with Bella and hoping that maybe one day, maybe one day soon, she might be in love with me too… I'd had my plans. The ones it had hurt too much to tell her about when she'd asked...

Nothing had been set in stone. But I'd had a vague idea of impressing her with culinary skills I had yet to develop, of letting her put me through the entire six hours of that Pride and Prejudice mini-series she had on DVD (and on VHS, which she kept for some unknown, irrational, lame, adorable, _Bella_ reason). The thought of that much frilly dress and English accent kind of set my teeth on edge, but there was no way around it – she'd once told me that she "disapproved on principle" of the movie version, because it was "too short."

That's where I would have been right now, if Edward Cullen hadn't gone postal... knee-deep in period piece and hopelessly - no, hope_fully_ in love.

As it was, I was walking through the double doors of the community center, into a crowd of kids, most of whom I knew, most of whom I actually _liked,_ I reminded myself, and I felt like a fish out of water, an impostor, someone who should never have been here in this room, on this night, in this suit, with this girl by his side.

-----

Within ten minutes I'd realized there was another, much more serious reason I shouldn't have been here. The wide eyes of my classmates, the jealous whispers and incredulous head-shaking that ensued when I walked across the hall to the refreshments table hand-in-hand with a blonde, cheerleading senior… all of that was wasted on me.

If Quil had been here, if he'd known how little this great honor meant to me… he would have been appalled at my lack of appreciation. No really, I was pretty sure he would actually have stopped talking to me for like a week. Either that or he would have stolen Jenny's hand from mine, led her onto the dance floor where his own date awaited, winked and said something about there being more than enough Ateara to go around.

I found myself smiling sadly while I poured fruit punch into paper cups, thinking _I miss Quil. I miss Embry. I miss my friends._

Jenny took the punch when I held it out to her, sipped it, peered into the cup with a horrified expression on her face, set it down on the table. "That stuff just doesn't work without vodka in it," she sighed.

I sniffed at it, then set my cup down next to hers. "Yeah, it's pretty gross."

Silence.

Well, not really. Songs no one ever actually listened to except on prom night were blaring, girls were shrieking to hear each other over it. But Jenny and I were silent, still, without even the comfort of a cup in our hands.

I picked mine back up... Only it was actually hers - I noticed the smear of pink on the brim just before it reached my lips, set the cup back down, smiled, shuffled my feet, tried to think of something to say.

"Oh!" Jenny said quickly, looking over my shoulder. "There's Quil and Embry's dates. We'd better go say hi. Come on." She reached out and took my hand in hers, led me through the crowd.

We said hi. Well, I said hi. Jenny did a whole lot more talking than that, a lot of squealing over shoes and fake diamonds and stuff. Turns out Kate and Jilly had both managed to scrounge up dates at the last minute, and when Jenny introduced herself to the guys, I noticed she reverted back to Jenna.

It was the same with all my friends she met that night, actually. Always 'I'm Jenna, I _love_ your dress!' Well, she nixed the dress part for the guys.

I mentioned it at one point - "Are you Jenna again, then?"

She smiled. "Depends who's asking."

-----

We danced, of course. I'd never understood why guys made such a big deal out of dancing. It was pretty easy, really - the girl puts her hands on your shoulders, you put yours on her waist and you just sort of... move.

The more we moved the closer we got.

After a minute or two Jenny frowned. "You're really hot," she said.

Before I could make a joke, she stretched up as high as she could and pressed her palm to my forehead. "Oh wow. Are you sure you don't have what your wingmen have?"

I reached up, peeled her hand away, and her fingers slipped between mine. "Nah, I'm fine," I assured her. "Healthy as a horse. It's just kind of a thing. A bunch of us Quileute kids run a little hotter than the norm."

She raised both eyebrows, and I took charge, lifted our hands before she could speak, twirled her around and said "Don't tell the government, Jenny."

She laughed, ducked under my arm again.

-----

We left early. Jenny admitted that the whole thing had been pretty lame, but assured me that her prom was going to be "in a whole other league."

I didn't dare ask why.

When we got back to her place, she invited me in, and I accepted, since it was only ten and why the hell not? She took my coat and hung it in the hall, made me take off my shoes and leave them there too - apparently her mom's second husband had been Malay-Chinese and shoes in the house had been a no-no ever since.

She slipped hers off too, and without the heels I felt like a giant again, looking down at the top of her head as she led me into the living room.

She gestured for me to sit on the couch, and went straight for the liquor cabinet, which I guess shouldn't have surprised me. Still, I couldn't help thinking that I'd gotten used to this Jenny Carlson girl… I wasn't sure how I felt about another night in the company of The Vomiting Stewardess.

Almost as if she'd heard me think it, or maybe turned back and seen a flicker of something like apprehension or disgust on my face, she smiled, spoke shyly. "I'm not going to throw up on you again, I promise. And just so you know, I don't even want to be a damn air hostess." She pursed her lips in thought, jiggled the key, turned back and grinned widely when she heard the subtle click of victory. "Those teeny little bottles just wouldn't do it for me."

I laughed, tried to seem surprised she'd brought it up, like I hadn't just been thinking about that whole episode myself. "I figured you didn't remember any of that."

Jenny groaned. "I _wouldn't_ have. My friends kind of mentioned I was a bit out-of-it, which would have been okay, I guess, because who doesn't get a bit out-of-it at parties, right?"

"Right," I said, like I knew exactly how that was.

"But Leah Clearwater made sure I was filled in on every gory detail." She looked down, a pale red blush creeping up her neck. "It was pretty brutal in the harsh light of day. Kind of why I avoided you for a little while there." She bit her lip. "Sorry about that. All of it. I'm not usually that…" She winced. "… gross."

I smiled, said quietly "I believe you."

She smiled back, her eyes falling from mine to the floor. Then she turned, resumed digging around in the liquor cabinet and came out with a three-quarters-full bottle of Scotch.

"Here!" she said brightly. "Let me show you how well I can hold my liquor."

-----

Jenny could hold her liquor. This stuff was actually making _me_ feel almost light-headed, and okay, so I was matching her shots two-to-one, but still... she had to have downed at least a cup of the stuff, neat, and she seemed fine. Completely normal.

Jenny was completely normal.

We were talking about... things. I don't know what exactly. I was wondering to myself what would happen if I got pulled over on the road. I was fine - it took a lot to get guys like us drunk - but would my blood alcohol still register off-the-charts? Who knew?

I must have mentioned the idea to Jenny, because she gave me a funny look and said "You _cannot_ drive, you realize?" She eyed the glass in my hand. "That tumbler's been filled to the brim, like, at least twice."

I waved a hand dismissively, reached for the bottle. "Sure, sure. It was just... hypothetical."

Jenny gave me a funny look again, or maybe it was the same funny look and it had never left her face, whatever. She said something about me being sick again. I assured her that I wasn't (again), and she said something about a cab and...

I bolted upright on the couch. My chest was all pinpricks.

"What is it?" Jenny asked.

I brought a finger to my lips, gestured for her to stay where she was with the other hand.

I stood, crept down the hallway silently, slid out the front door without a word, closed it.

Stupidly I had thought it would be easier to breathe out in the open air, but of course the scent was stronger out here, a thousand times stronger and pounding at the back of my throat. I breathed in, staggered forward, bolted upright again on another shot of adrenaline, because it was there, it was definitely there. There was a leech somewhere around Jenny's house.

It wasn't one of the Cullens, I knew their particular scent by now.

And it wasn't the redhead because she was dust on the wind…

I wasn't naïve enough to hope it was some random vamp, dropping by for a good old-fashioned fair fight in which I wasn't going to be immediately incapacitated and dead or as good as –

I took a step forward, felt my spine bristle, my stomach churn; I was torn between _Phase! Charge! _and _Get Jenny and get the hell out._

I would have done the second thing – the smart thing, the sane thing, I _would_ have… only within a split-second it was too late.

The night was still. But the leech's scent rushed at me as though it was carried on gusts of wind and I thought _Too late, too late._

I stepped forward again, felt my body preparing to phase, _froze._

_Sam's suit! Motherfucker!_

In retrospect it would seem unbelievably stupid that I wasted three whole seconds pulling off the shirt and suit-pants (The stupid bow-tie was sitting inside on the coffee table next to Jenny's stupid red flower; Socks and boxers were expendable.), but at the time _specially made _and _not going back in there naked_ were two of the thoughts in my mind, jostling for position with _Holy fuck I am probably about to die._

I left the clothes in a heap where they fell in the front yard, phased, ran around the side of the house toward the park, toward the source of the sweet stench, thinking how lucky it was that it was late at night and no one was around to see me, thinking simultaneously how it didn't really matter anyway because _Holy fuck I am probably about to die._

I kept to the shadows, which stretched out where the trees in the park grew thicker, moved silently, stopped, crouched low, snarled as it emerged from behind a sturdy trunk.

I blinked, dug my claws into the ground.

It was a kid. A little boy.

A little _vampire_ boy.

The fur along my spine was raised, and low, thick growls were ripping out of me without my command.

I shut up when the boy stepped closer. It took everything in me not to just turn and run pointlessly, while he peered at me, his eyes wide and rich red and curious, the expression in them old and young at the same time.

It seemed like a very, very long time passed in which nothing happened; neither of us shifted or made a sound.

And then his head fell to one side, he sighed, turned, walked away at an entirely human speed, just like an ordinary, human boy, who'd been offered a cookie, mulled it over, and decided he wasn't that hungry.

I waited, rooted to the spot.

I waited until I couldn't see him anymore, until only the faintest reminder of his presence lingered in the air.

And then I found the fullest of shadow I could, lay down in it and howled.

Within a few minutes Sam's voice was in my head, and my thoughts were telling him what had just happened.

I decided I'd better leave out the part about his custom-made suit being crumpled in the dirt, although I guess he'd just be glad it wasn't shredded and -

_Too late,_ Sam's voice muttered distractedly.

I sighed, scheduled a training session for tomorrow morning.

-----

As I slipped stealthily back to Jenny's front yard, my eyes scanning my surroundings constantly, I decided I must hold the record for most unintentional streakings in the space of a week.

I pulled on the pants, they seemed fine. The shirt, being white, was a little grubby, but it was better than nothing.

_Better than nothing,_ I thought, as I opened the front door and walked down the hall.

Jenny was perched on the couch, shaking, no, scratch that, she was basically _convulsing._

She got up when I walked into the room, ran toward me and stopped short, her hands in the air, fingers stretched wide and trembling. "What was it?" she asked. "Was it wolves?"

I hesitated, ran a hand through my hair. "Uh... yeah. I mean, no. I don't know, nothing happened, don't freak out. I just... thought I heard... wolves."

Jenny's hands fell slowly, haltingly to her sides, her eyebrows drew together, and when she spoke there was a hysterical edge to her voice. "Let me get this straight. You thought there might be wolves circling the house. So you went outside to check."

My eyes darted from side to side as I tried to think of a way to make that thought process plausible and came up completely blank. "Uh... yeah," I said finally.

Jenny stared at me a moment longer, then closed her eyes, shook her head with a quick, high-pitched sound like laughter, said she needed another drink, marched back to the couch, flopped down on it and filled her tumbler.

I followed, mimicked every action, including the two quick gulps she took and the way she turned, bending her knee on the couch, so she was facing me.

"Okay, if..." She paused mid-sentence, took another gulp. "Okay. If you think you hear wolves again, can we please just barricade the doors and hide in the linen closet?"

Her eyes were pleading and completely earnest, and I said "Sure, sure," smiled into my drink at the idea of me huddled in the darkness, teeth chattering, clinging onto a small blonde girl while the big, bad wolves played in the yard.

Jenny was clutching her now-empty tumbler tightly against her chest, and I noticed the condensation on the glass, or maybe some spilled whiskey, it was hard to say for sure in this light, was seeping into her dress.

I wondered whether I should tell her, or whether that would just be... weird.

I took another gulp and my glass was empty too.

I reached for the bottle, and she leaned forward, held out her tumbler, and I saw that her hand, when not anchored against her body, was still trembling.

"Are you okay?" I asked tentatively, not sure I really wanted to know. It was such an ordinary question, so throwaway, but right now, in this context, it felt dangerously intimate.

Jenny shook her head in the same incredulous way she had before. "Are _you_ okay?" she asked, when she looked up.

My brow furrowed at that, like it was the strangest thing she could possibly have asked me. I felt myself grinning, swallowed sudden words down, blinked back what might have been tears if I'd let them be anything at all. "Sure I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

She sighed, rolled her eyes, shook her glass at me and pieced her reply together while I poured a little more golden liquid into it.

_Truth serum,_ I thought absently, just as she spoke.

"Last year, when we moved here, I was kind of pissed off all the time. I was pissed off about going to school on the rez. I was pissed off about moving at all and... I guess I didn't really make an effort in the beginning to..." She rolled her eyes again, made air-quotes. "... "embrace the culture"."

"Right," I said, trying to look alive when I was suddenly far too relaxed and sort of mesmerized by the way the liquid was slipping around the sides of my glass.

"Right," Jenny said.

It was loud, sort of like a call to attention and my eyes met hers with a feeble smile as I echoed again "Right."

"Well anyways, I was miserable," she continued. "And I'd see you." She held a hand up, rolled her eyes for the third time - or maybe the fourth? - closed them, pressed the glass against her cheek. "I mean, I'd look at you." Her eyes snapped open again and she actually said out loud "Blah," ran a hand through her hair, sipped her drink.

"I'd look at you sometimes, okay?" She said it defensively, even though I was pretty sure I hadn't been judging her. "I'd look at you and... you were like... the happiest person I'd ever seen. Ever."

I raised an eyebrow and it felt strange, muted, like I shouldn't be moving at all. It felt the same when I opened my mouth, mumbled "Excuse me? Quil Ateara, anyone?"

She laughed. "Yeah, Quil… I like Quil." She sniffed, drew in a shaky breath, swapped her empty tumbler for the nearly empty bottle. "But no, you don't know what I mean… It's different. Quil's like, funny-happy. You were just… happy-happy." She sighed, sniffed again, took a swig from the bottle and handed it to me even though my glass was full. I juggled the two, drinking from one, then the other.

Jenny kept talking. "So I'd look at you sometimes and think… Wow. He's really… happy." She rubbed at her eyes, then leaned her head back against the sofa, grinned, hid her face in the leather.

When she looked back at me her face was serious, almost sad, and she said "But you're not anymore. You're not the same." She grinned again, frowned again. "You're not my happy guy."

"I'm not…" I trailed off, unsure what was supposed to come next. "I'm okay," I said finally.

Jenny just stared, unmoving, except for the corners of her lips which curved slightly, except for the slightest lift of her left eyebrow.

I downed the whiskey in my glass, downed the whiskey in the bottle.

She leaned forward unsteadily, pried both the empty vessels from my fingers, veered to the side, just as unsteadily, set them on the coffee table with a tiny clatter-and-roll.

She took my hand in hers, drew her other knee onto the sofa, pressed close against my arm, whispered "I wish you were happy." All of this before she met my eyes.

"I wish I was happy too," I whispered. It spilled out of me, quick, inevitable and messy, the same way you splutter liquid all over the place when you're drinking and someone makes you laugh. And in the back of my mind I was giving myself shit for having too much damn truth serum and turning into a whiny little bitch.

'_I wish I was happy.' Oh for fuck's… Shut it. Just shut up, just… never speak again._

Jenny couldn't hear me. She was on the outside looking in, and now her face was pressed up against the window pane, except the window pane was flesh and blood and it was pieces of my neck and jaw.

Very slowly, she moved. I might have moved too. Very slowly.

The sound of her breath painted over the silence. Mine was held, locked up tight inside me, till she opened my lips with hers.

She tasted like xxx mints and whiskey and… girl.

My eyes were closed, and her hand was lifting mine to her shoulder, her other hand was trembling into my hair.

And all the while she was kissing me. And all the while I was kissing her back.

I realized suddenly that I sort of wanted to cry. My eyelids prickled, my chest tugged and thudded, and it was because this felt nice and it was because I didn't want it. I didn't want this. I didn't want to be doing this with _this girl._ And there was a voice nagging inside me, repeating _You're ruining it, you're ruining it. _

What was I ruining?

This?

No. I was just fine at this. This was going… just fine.

I was ruining…

I was ruining this-with-Bella.

Anger crashed into me at that thought, it crashed into me like a wrecking ball, like… _cars colliding,_ it crashed into me like -

_Fuck that. _I'm _ruining it? I would have loved her, I would have made love to her, only her, always, I would have been hers, only hers, always, I would have…_

Fuck _that. _

_Fuck it all._

I felt my mouth close roughly around Jenny's, like I'd taken a bite, like I'd swallowed her into me. My hands skittered into her hair, fingers making fists in it, pulling her closer, and she just fell into my lap like the air was a waterslide, her knees on either side of me _squeezing, _her hips pressing forward, quick-slow, quick-slow, and she was panting, she was panting and kissing my neck, and when she lifted her head her mouth was open wide, and when she closed her eyes and whispered my name - _Jacob, Jacob_ - she was open wide…

My shirt came off. It seemed to just disappear like a soluble substance in water, and the straps of Jenny's dress were at her waist…

She was naked underneath. Her breasts were small and close and just as tan as every other inch of her skin.

_Fake. It's a fake tan. It's fake. _

The thought echoed in my mind as I leaned forward, pressed my face against her, dragged my lower lip through soft semi-circles, through soft, swollen hemi-spheres, half the world and back and then the other half, I dragged my mouth and nose across her breasts, slowly, with kisses and short breaths.

By the time she pushed me back, I didn't want to leave. But I yielded, I let her push, and her softness fell away from my cheek. She curved her body back too, holding onto my forearms so she wouldn't fall, she leaned back and forward at the same time, and I was thinking of semi-circles and hemi-spheres, and she was _staring,_ her eyes flitting over every inch of me they could find.

It should have been embarrassing, maybe. All I could think about was how her groin was still pressed against mine, and how her chest was heaving with each breath.

I let her stare, stared back and saw her swallow.

After a few seconds she leaned forward a little, said "You're so fucking gorgeous".

She let go of me with one hand, tightened her grip with the other. Her free hand traveled my torso, slow, feather-light.

"You're…" She met my eyes, breathed quickly, suddenly grabbed onto my upper arm, pulled herself flat against me, chest to chest, skin to skin, and her lips murmured against my own "…_gorgeous._"

I said something then, when she was done kissing me. Something about her being the hottest girl I'd ever known; I wasn't sure how true that was.

I wasn't sure of anything except that this all felt wrong and this all felt _good._

And it got upgraded to _insanely_ good when Jenny lifted herself, she lifted herself so she was higher, a little above me, looking down at me and still panting, still open-mouthed, she was still open wide, and she reached down between us, popped the button on my pants, and I remembered the shredded remains of my boxers somewhere between her house and the park when she slid her hand inside…

_Insanely good._

That was the last coherent thought I had that night that didn't involve my teeth and a condom wrapper.


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's notes** -

1) Join **adifferentforest dot com** now! The people behind this awesome new Twilight site were kind enough to make me one of their VIP authors, precisely because they want to make sure that Jacob/Bella is represented at their site. How cool is that? Plus, they're a good time. So join and come check out my cabin. It's comfy as heck and has little wolf-prints around it. Sweet!

2) I'm sorry for the delay. I suck and was in Europe for ages and I also suck. Next chapter will be quicker.

3) There's a brief 'previously on' below for those who, quite understandably, have forgotten what the hell is going on.

* * *

**Previously** - Bella pissed off to Italy, came back hooked up with Sparkles as per canon. However she and Jake wound up macking on each other and everything was great for about five seconds. Much complication ensued with their relationship but the status quo is this: Bella loves Jake but she reckons she loves Edward more, again as per canon, and has agreed to marry him in a really thoughtless and cruel way that has totally crushed Jake. He's dusted himself off though and last night he wound up taking a cheerleader to prom. And getting laid. In other news, the Volturi are in town and have put the whammy on Embry. Dr Sparkles is off in the congo or wherever trying to find a cure. Jacob is cool with Sam being alpha even though it was supposed to be his gig. And he hates imprinting like nobody's business. As he should.

* * *

I woke up a second after my eyes opened.

I blinked, stared up at the ceiling that was white like the sun splashed over the sky, waited as my brain gathered momentum, slowly but surely…

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, I needed to piss like a racehorse. Second, there was a dull, distant ache flitting around above my skull like insects at a rave. And third, there was someone lying next to me.

_Jenna Carlson._

_Jenny._

This wasn't my room.

I thought about moving.

I was pretty sure a part of Jenny's body was touching mine. My ribcage. Her…

I peered down along my body, straining to make sense of the blurred shapes.

… elbow, maybe?

I closed my eyes, thought about moving again, swallowed as softly as I could and found my throat was bone-dry and my mouth tasted like ass.

_One, two…_

There was no need to have counted myself in, really. On _three!_, I began moving at a snail's pace, inching my skin away from hers, drawing myself taut and unbreathing up against the headboard.

It had been her knee, I think. Her elbow or her knee. She was lying on her stomach with one leg hitched up at an angle that looked bizarre and had to be uncomfortable, her face pressed directly, smotheringly downward, and for a brief second I remembered the vision I'd had of a girl, _this_ girl, this unhunted, ordinary girl dead in a ditch somewhere, emptied out with a bloody gash at her neck…

She'd been in the library then and she was asleep now.

She was alive. She was fine. I could hear her heart beating steadily against the mattress, the small muffled snores that the pillows gathered up – she was alive and I had nothing to be relieved about, even if _Jesus Christ that kid bloodsucker…_

The room came into focus.

Jenna Carlson's room.

There were posters rolled up and resting against the wall, I could only see the backs of them, white and curled up and silent. There were none on the walls.

There was a bookcase to my left that looked antique, dark wood, towering and only half full.

There was a white dresser at the foot of the bed, opposite, with one drawer, no, two drawers slightly open, and out of one dangled a lacy, violently pink thong.

I turned my head slightly to the right, and saw an open door, and in the doorway, in a small bunch on the floor, another thong, or maybe panties, who knew, but they were just as lacy and a little less pink and _in a small bunch on the floor. _

My eyes widened.

I was naked. She was naked.

We'd had sex.

_Jesus Christ that kid bloodsucker!_

I got out of bed quickly - too quickly as it turned out - the sudden shift in weight must have woken Jenny, because by the time I was halfway across the room and realizing my pants weren't in it, she was saying "Hey," adding a sleepy "How're you feeling?"

Instinctively, I ducked behind the door, shielding my lower half and leaning back into the room to talk to her like some kind of douchebag.

"Hello fine," I said in one sentence _like some kind of douchebag. _

Jenny made a little amused sound, and then she turned around, one eyebrow raised, sat up and let the sheet fall _on purpose_ to her waist.

"I'm fine," I repeated.

"You sure?" she asked, with a grin I was certain was on purpose too. Then she nodded toward two bottles on the floor by the cluttered nightstand. "Want some? Eight glasses of water and two advil before bed, my friends swear by it. _But…_" She groaned, reached up and rubbed her eyes, and her breasts lifted with her arm. "… I forgot and I think it's too late when you wake up in the night."

"You woke up?" I asked sharply.

"Yeah, I do that sometimes," she said, like she was weirded out by the frantic edge to my voice, which I guess was fair enough, but her arm was still raised, she was stretching now, and her breasts were still staring me in the face, and I was thinking _So she woke up next to me after all._

I shook my head, softened my voice, smoothed it out and asked if she knew where my pants were.

Jenny ran a hand through her hair, tilted her head to one side, squinted like she was trying to get a visual. "Hmm… on the stairs, I think. Or possibly on the couch."

"Right, well…" I attempted a smile and was relieved to find it worked out okay. "I might go find them so I don't have to stand behind this door for the rest of my life."

She laughed as I left the room.

* * *

I'd put on my pants and shirt, located the suit jacket, accounted, I thought, for all the clothing that hadn't been shredded last night, by the time Jenny came downstairs.

She was wearing a large white teeshirt and small gray shorts, and when she opened the fridge and leaned over to check out the contents I could see a hint of violent pink at her hip.

"This doesn't look too good," she said, like she was a doctor examining a limb which may or may not need to be amputated. She sighed, swung the door shut, headed to the wicker cupboard at the end of the kitchen counters, opened it. "We should have Captain Crunch in here somewhere, but then again, I wouldn't put it past my brother to have taken the box camping with him." She rolled her eyes, smiled affectionately at the same time. "He's cute like that."

"It's cool," I said quickly, added "I'm not really hungry," at which someone inside my stomach pummeled in protest.

Jenny smiled. "Me neither. But I could make coffee if you like?"

I was about to decline, but she had already flicked the switch on the kettle and pulled a jar out of the pantry.

"Sure," I said. And "Thanks."

We were both quiet while the kettle boiled. We both watched it intently, like it might not be able to make it on its own.

And then she was scooping instant coffee into mugs with a gaudy floral pattern on them, shaking her head and smiling as she poured the water after it.

"You want sugar?" she asked.

I said no.

She didn't ask whether I wanted milk.

Maybe she forgot. Maybe there was none in the fridge. Maybe -

Jenny handed me one of the mugs, leaned back against the kitchen counter and took a sip out of hers, grimaced, rubbed at her eyes like she'd done upstairs, groaned the same way too. "Okay so this may be the second or third time I've said this in my short life, but what the heck, here goes..." She took a breath, widened her eyes. _"Never. Again."_

I laughed at the way she'd said it, all italics and determination. I laughed and I shook my head and I agreed. "Yeah, absolutely, never," I said, and I guess I was a little too eager with it, because before Jenny smiled and reached for the sugar there was a flicker of something like hurt on her face.

"I mean the whiskey part," I qualified hastily, at the same time wishing there was some form of damage control that didn't tip things too much the other way.

Jenny turned away for a second, maybe to get a clean spoon, I wasn't sure, and said in a voice that was far too sweet "Yeah, me too."

* * *

The coffee was bitter and weak. I was thinking of excuses to leave and hating myself.

When I came up with one it wasn't so much an excuse as a genuine reason, but somehow I didn't feel any more honest speaking it.

"So I gotta go," I said, trying my best to come off casual. "I've got a training session."

Jenny peered at me over the rim of her mug. "A training session? In what? Am I gonna miss out on cheering for you next year?"

I smiled. "No, nothing like that. No organized sports for me. It's…" I hesitated, remembered Sam and his Karate Kid obsession. "It's a type of martial arts."

"Oh wow," she said, and she sounded so genuinely impressed I suddenly wished I _was_ taking martial arts classes, made a mental note to look into it when life was normal again, ie. probably never.

I smiled widely and Jenny said "That's so cool," to herself.

Then she smirked. "Hey can you teach me how to catch flies with chopsticks one time?"

I laughed, thought randomly _Well Sam would like her,_ said "Sure, I'll let you know when I've mastered that one."

"Please do," she said quietly and again it was too sweet.

I set my mug down on the counter and she picked it up at almost the exact same moment.

Steam rose up when she tipped the contents of it down the sink.

I shuffled my feet and waited for her to say something.

When she did it was "So anyway, I'll see you later."

A simple sentence. A saying. Something you say all the time. That's all it was, right? She didn't mean...

I should have been smiling and saying "Sure, sure". I should have been on my merry way. But somehow I was thrown, I was confused, and I wanted to say _What's later? What do you mean by later? Did I make plans in my sleep?_

What I did say wasn't much better. It was a garbled mess of "Yeah, sure," and "Um… later?" and Jenny looked weirded out again as she stepped toward me, fumbled with the jacket I was holding onto, put the bow-tie I'd forgotten about in the pocket.

"I'll see you some other time," she said.

"Right," I replied.

And then I just stood there when I was supposed to be leaving.

I stood and stared at Jenny and felt like an idiot and maybe it made her feel like an idiot too, because eventually she looked at the ground, ran a hand through her hair, said breezily "I'm busy tonight, anyway."

"Right," I said again, and I found myself wondering where she was going, whether the kid vampire was going to be hanging around here again tonight or following me, whether I'd be able to break away from the others tonight to check without letting things slip, when the hell the doctor was going to get back from his tropical tour, why the hell Cullen had to come back early, what the hell I was going to say to Bella when I saw her, when the hell I was ever going to see Bella again and _if -_

"... and it's just going to be the five of us, painting our nails and, you know, most likely having a pillow fight or two in our underwear. It's strictly girls only, but I doubt you'd be interested anyway..."

Jenny was looking right at me with an amused smile on her face, and it took me a second to register the tail-end of her little speech, it took me a second to refocus on her face.

"Oh," I said. Then "_Oh._ Wow." I realized what I'd said, decided to go all the way echoing her, said softly to myself "That's so cool," added "Do you think you ladies could film a little of that? I'm only asking for Quil's sake."

Jenny laughed and I was pleased that she either hadn't noticed or didn't care that I had zoned out on her.

"Come on," I mock-pleaded, "The man is suffering!"

She laughed again, or rather she kept laughing, since she hadn't really stopped yet. And then she shook her head, set her mug down, took my hand in hers and led me to the front door.

When she opened it, she said "I hope he feels better soon, with or without the help of softcore porn. And _Embry_ too, whose name I totally know now."

I tried to smile, tried to make it seem light when I said something I hoped so much wasn't a lie.

"They'll be fine."

* * *

As soon as I was out the door my heart began to pound, my feet picked up speed and my mind followed.

Somehow, somewhat ironically, leaving Jenny behind was making what had happened between us more real; like you sometimes need to step away from something to be able to see it clearly.

_Like a Monet,_ I thought, remembering grade five art class, when Mrs Milner had made us stand with our noses up against a poster then back away until the image came to life.

It was just like that, only I didn't see a water-lily.

I saw consequences.

* * *

Training sucked. If I'd made progress since we'd started, and I could swear that I had, it didn't show. Because of course, there was one thing I kept thinking of every time I tried not to.

Sam didn't say anything about it, even though he must have heard, and several times over.

He didn't say anything except that I should skip patrol tonight.

It was cool.

* * *

When I came home it was after noon and Charlie Swan's cruiser was in the driveway.

I took a deep breath as I turned the key, wondered for one horrifying second whether Bella might be there with him, dismissed the thought when the air inside rushed at me without the slightest hint of her scent.

The relief was crazy in two ways - I was crazy-relieved, and it was crazy to me that I could be relieved by the absence of Bella Swan.

I was shaking my head as I walked down the hall. The kitchen door was between me and the stairs, and it was wide open and full of talking. I knew I was going to have to step inside and say hi.

I took a deep breath, hung the suit coat on a hook in the hallway, faintly hoping that Charlie wouldn't notice the rest of the ensemble without it, knowing that it wouldn't matter what I was wearing, my dad and Bella's dad were like two old women and chances were Charlie already knew all about prom.

"Hey dad," I said, lounging against the door-frame and smiling widely, like all was right with the world.

"Hey son," he said, smiling back, eyebrows raised high.

Charlie greeted me with more surprise and less amusement. "Jacob, good to see you," he said in a low voice, his eyes taking in my disheveled, yet formal state in a very collect-the-evidence way.

Sue Clearwater was there too, setting the table for lunch. She smiled and asked if she should set a fourth place.

I said I wasn't hungry and the dude inside my stomach pummeled even more viciously than before. She asked if I was sure and said I said "Sure, sure", and "Thank you" and "That looks awesome, but I've got some homework to catch up on."

I was grateful when she loaded a massive sandwich into my hands to take up to my room.

Charlie had something for me too.

A letter in a sealed envelope.

He eyed me skeptically as he handed it to me. "Bella didn't want to come by herself. Said you two had a fight."

I nodded, took the letter, left.

* * *

I stepped into my room and kicked the door closed.

The sandwich was in one hand, the letter in the other.

I looked at them each in turn, then set the letter down on my desk, took the sandwich over to the bed and sat down.

_First things first._

I ate, eyed the desk warily while I did so, cursed the sandwich when I decided I felt sick.

I kept eating it anyway, till there was nothing left.

Nothing but the letter on the desk.

* * *

_Dear Jacob,_

_I don't want to bother you anymore. I've stopped calling, I promise. You can turn your phone back on._

_I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry for not waiting for you. I'm sorry for everything. _

_I just want you to know that I love you. I __really__ love you. I know that doesn't matter to you now and I know it's not enough and I'm probably selfish for needing to tell you anyway. __But I love you._

_I'm sorry and thank you; I don't think I'll ever be able to say either of those things enough._

_I love you; I don't think I'll ever be able to say that enough either,_

_Bella_

I stood up and walked over to my desk, laid the letter down and stared at it for a second.

And then I walked to the other side of the room, which didn't seem far enough, rested my face against the wall and tried to cope.

All I could think was _Is that it? Is that seriously it? _

Was that all I was going to get?

A mournful little letter and a promise not to call.

I love you on paper.

An _apology._

Was that how Jacob and Bella was going to end?

Where was the twist? Where was the big finish? The part where just when all hope seems lost, the girl comes running back into the house or out of the house, or through a cornfield or something, it doesn't matter where she is, what matters is that when she gets there, finally, she throws herself into the guy's arms and they make out in the rain or _whatever. _

Where was _that?_

My chest gathered itself into my throat, I closed my eyes tightly and pressed more heavily into the wall and as I did so I realized that without even knowing it fully I'd been waiting for that.

The big finish.

The twist.

I'd still been hoping.

I was a fool.

* * *

I thought about moving.

Seconds had passed, minutes, maybe quarters of hours.

It seemed like a good idea to leave this room.

I went to bathroom and took a shower, went back to my room, looked at the wall while I pulled on clean clothes.

I thought about moving again, and it seemed like a good idea to pull my window up, jump out, go see how Quil and Embry were doing.

So I did.

* * *

Embry was the same. Quil told me. We hung out in the living room and I thought how weird it was that I'd just lost my virginity to a blonde, cheerleading senior and I wasn't telling Quil because I didn't think he'd be interested.

I asked him how he was doing and he smiled weakly, said he was alright, asked how prom was.

I still didn't think he'd be interested, so I just said "fine", and he nodded and replied with "Awesome".

There were voices coming from the other room. The longer Quil and I sat, talking only intermittently, the clearer they became, and soon I could hear Sam saying things like "The hell we're not - " and "This is _my_ call."

"What's going on in there?" I asked.

Quil frowned. "You don't know? I thought that's why you came over."

My eyes narrowed. "Don't know what?"

Quil took in a shaky breath before speaking. "Sam's talking with the elders about Embry. The doc's back and he wants to come on the res to look at him. He says the less they move him the better - something about convulsions and spinal injuries and how he's worried he won't heal right in the state he's in."

"Right, so what's to talk about?"

"The treaty - the elder's don't - "

"Screw the elders!"

Quil smiled. "Yeah, I think that's pretty much what Sam's saying, right now."

"Well thank God he's not an idiot," I muttered, thinking about how frustrating this situation would be if he was - I'd only just given him all the power, it was a relief that he was using it right. I shook my head at that - _all the power,_ spoke my next thoughts aloud. "So what's taking so long? I mean. It's up to Sam, isn't it? If he wants to let Carlisle onto our land shouldn't that be the end of it?"

Quil shrugged. "I dunno. I think maybe the doc coming over here they might have been okay with. But then it turned out he wants to bring the others. He has an idea. He reckons there's a better shot it will work if they're around to help."

At that moment Sam shoved the door open and came barreling out, expletives spilling with him.

He was mad. Like really mad. Like about to phase mad.

And when he saw me he said "You're just in time. They want to talk to you."

"Me? What does it - "

Sam rolled his eyes, braced himself against the wall, said in a low voice "You know why," added "Get in there."

Quil was protesting, saying he was Embry's friend too, why shouldn't he have a say in what happened to him, but I was already in the room, the door was closed, and a handful of old men and women, a couple of whom I was pretty sure I'd never seen before, sat on an old couch in what I thought was probably a store-room of some kind.

They started to ask me questions, but I interrupted them. There was no reason this should be drawn out any further than it had already been.

"I agree with Sam," I said. "And so does Quil and so should you. The Cullens won't start anything, I can personally vouch for that. This is our best chance of saving Embry, and I really couldn't give a shit about the treaty at this point."

They started to reply, but I turned and left the room.

Sam and Quil were standing on the other side of the door, Emily stepped up quietly behind them.

Sam was holding the phone. He looked at me, then over my shoulder at the elders.

"I already called Carlisle," he said. He lifted his chin like a challenge. "They'll be here at eight."


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's note** - Join **adifferentforest dot com** now! The people behind this awesome new Twilight site were kind enough to make me one of their VIP authors, precisely because they want to make sure that Jacob/Bella is represented at their site. How cool is that? Plus, they're a good time. So join and come check out my cabin. It's comfy as heck and has little wolf-prints around it. Sweet!

* * *

The Cullens arrived at eight PM. At _exactly_ eight PM, as in I looked up at the clock, saw the third hand tick over twelve and at that same moment there was a knock on the door.

Emily answered. The doctor came in first and then the rest of them. All seven of them, the Cullen Seven and Bella, and the moment I saw her I thought to myself _All eight of them, you fool, the Cullen Eight, and hey maybe once she sparkles too they'll take it on the road. _

Sam went with Carlisle to examine the patient. The rest of us waited in the living room.

I stood with the pack. To our right were the elders, including my dad and Sue and Embry's mom who was in the club now too, for better or worse. Then, to their right, were the men and women I'd talked with, or rather _at_, earlier, and I'd decided to call them the elder-elders, because man, they were seriously _old._

That was one side of the room. The other was reserved for people without a pulse.

It was quite a congregation and Sam's living room was quite small. The atmosphere was tense, which was both inevitable and unnecessary. After all, the only people who weren't okay with this arrangement were the elder-elders, and I highly doubted those guys were going to bust out their ninja moves any time soon.

Having said that, one of them looked like he _really_ wanted to. He was staring at Alice like he wanted to tear her head off and play college basketball with it, and she was smiling right back at him, repeatedly, like he had just offered her his seat on a bus.

I watched them for something to do. I didn't look at Bella again; it felt safer not to.

The examination was brief, and when the doctor came out he nodded politely at all and sundry like he'd done on the way in, and said "I'll need a couple of you to get him on the stretcher. Carefully and with as little stress to his body and mind as you can manage."

Jared stepped forward. "The stretcher?" he asked. "What are we putting him on a stretcher for?"

Carlisle smiled like a dad smiles at a kid who keeps asking why the sky is blue. "We need to move him," he said.

Jared rolled his eyes at the answer. Paul was less restrained. He nudged Jared out of the way, stepped forward himself and spoke angrily. "What the hell?! I thought the whole point of you leeches being here was to _not_ move him."

"The whole point was to move him as little as possible," Carlisle corrected, because he was daddy and Paul was five years old and the sky was just blue _because._ He turned to look at Sam, who nodded silently. Then he turned back to us and said with a new level of patience and seriousness "What I want to attempt... it can't be attempted here. I'll need somewhere secluded, but open. A clearing in the woods where we'll be unseen and unheard."

My eyes narrowed, because I could personally vouch for the vampires all I wanted, nobody was going to like this little arrangement. "Why?" I asked quickly and loudly, before Paul could erupt.

Carlisle held my gaze for a moment, then he glanced at the elders, at the elder-elders, at me again, and finally at the rest of his people, and he said "Because we're going to try to make him phase."

* * *

The idea was that if we could get Embry to phase, he would move from one state of consciousness to another, and hopefully the hold the voodoo leech had on him would be dislodged.

In theory it was simple. In practice it was ridiculous.

My part in it involved helping Sam and Quil lay Embry down on the ground, and then backing away with everyone else. The Cullens took it from there.

All of them except Edward. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Bella was tugging on his hand, and they were whispering about something. In the end I heard her say "Please," and I heard him say "Alright," and then they stood, well back and to the side, his body shielding her and her hand in his, anchoring him by her side.

He was _staying_ with her, I realized. He was playing innocent bystanders because she'd said please or he wanted to make sure she didn't stub her toe while he was gone or whatever.

_Grow some balls, bloodsucker,_ I thought, and I was a little disappointed when he didn't look my way.

But I guess he was distracted, because they were starting, and really, a curtain may as well have been lifted, because this looked like an interpretative dance sequence from a stage musical.

It was, in a word, hilarious. The soccer mom, the pixie, the hot one, the big one one and the creepy one were basically hovering around Embry like cavemen around a fire, making hissing sounds I'm ninety percent sure they didn't make when hunting, snapping their teeth and ad-libbing uncreative threats.

The hot one, Rosalie, was breathing heavily at his neck and face and it absolutely looked like she was trying to make out with him. Under normal circumstances I might have gotten a laugh out of the visual, and Quil, oh man, under normal circumstances he would have been _loving_ it.

Under normal circumstances Quil would have loved this about as much as he would have loved me losing my virginity to Jenny Carlson on prom night and running around half naked outside her house chasing kid vampires, and he would been laughing and making bad blonde jokes and this whole thing would have been hilarious. It would have been a special story he told every year that got more and more ridiculous and more and more filthy each time.

But these weren't normal circumstances and this wasn't a story.

It was our only hope. And this was our friend, this was our _brother,_ I thought to myself. This was Embry Call and our only hope.

And it wasn't working.

He was visibly disturbed, shaking and clenching his fists, his back arching and rising up above the ground like he was trying to be _him._ But he wasn't phasing. Even when Blondie started actually _licking_ him, all it seemed to do was cause him more distress.

My chest tightened, things inside me sank slowly. My eyes found the doctor, standing to the side with bandages and a syringe and a face that was falling.

It wasn't working.

I could feel Quil moving beside me. Then suddenly he was in the fray, and he was tapping the big one on the shoulder and saying "Attack me."

The big one, Emmett, I remembered, frowned and said "Huh?"

Quil rolled his eyes, ignored him, like he was tired and didn't want to talk and knew that he'd figure it out eventually if he just used his brain.

Carlisle already had, and by the time Quil was telling him to get everyone else, vampires and wolves alike, further back, he was already doing it.

Once it was just the two of them, just the two of them inches from Embry on the ground, Quil repeated in a low voice "Attack me. And make it real. Throw me around a bit."

Emmett hesitated, glanced over at Carlisle.

Carlisle nodded.

And then, in the space of some tiny fraction of a second, he rocked back on his heels, stepped back several paces, opened his mouth with a husky, dripping roar and charged at Quil.

In the same tiny fraction of a second, Quil stood, closed his eyes, did nothing.

It looked like a massacre, even if it was one on one.

It must have felt like a massacre too, because the second time Emmett swung him, by his wrist, into the ground, Quil wound up phasing, and I'm pretty sure that hadn't been the plan.

He was injured. Already. Blood splattered darkly onto the grass when his body erupted into the wolf's, and I thought to myself _Make it real_ and _Jesus fucking Christ._

Maybe the playing field was a little more even now, but it seemed like Quil was still trying to play dead. Emmett was picking him up and throwing him down like he wasn't a massive snarling beast, like he wasn't even a wolf at all, and just as I thought _Enough,_ just as I took a step toward them, just as Emmett's fingers dug into a matted mess at Quil's side, I blinked and saw that there were _two wolves. _

The were two wolves _and Embry was nowhere to be seen. _

I breathed in. Everybody breathed in, and it was like the collective inhalation sucked all the air out of this open space, this wide, tree-rimmed piece of earth, this sky, this world.

The vampire backed off. The wolves faced each other, entirely still.

There was a low keening sound, a whimper, a cry in the night.

And then Embry was tall and alive and standing in place of the sound.

I breathed out. Everybody breathed out. Quil phased back too and they were naked and holding onto each other and I couldn't help wishing I had a camera because this was fucking priceless, but I was crying, actual tears were running down my face, and I couldn't move, not to wipe them away, not to run into the circle and throw my arms around my two butt naked best friends.

People moved around me, and gradually my own body creaked. I looked down, to the side, saw everybody, saw that everybody was happy.

There were smiles and open mouths and all eyes on Quil and Embry, all eyes except Bella's, and I swear, I hadn't meant to see her and it was just a split second, but her eyes were carefully averted and I thought _Oh Bells,_ I thought _Oh Bells_ and looked away.

I saw Embry walking to his mother, and he stumbled, because I guess he was weak, and she caught him even though she was something like half his size.

Quil was saying my name, and when I turned to him someone was handing him a pair of pants and he was grinning sheepishly.

I found myself grinning too.

Ear to ear.

"Dude," I said suddenly. "That was so fucking cool."

And it was like once I'd said that, everything started working again. I jogged over to him, slung my arm over his shoulder and pulled him close, laughed, but I meant what I said: "You are the _man,_ Quil Ateara."

He was laughing too, and clutching his side, and the doctor was talking about bandages and wounds that would heal. And then Embry was with us, and apparently nobody had gotten him any pants yet, and it was a weird group hug, the three of us clinging to each other, while one of Embry's arms reached back, his hand still in his mother's.

"Embry..." I nearly choked over his name. "You're back."

He tipped his head to look at me and smiled. "Hey Jake," he said.

I would always believe those were the first words he spoke.

* * *

It might have been less than a half hour before we were all on our way home.

When Embry had been asked what he wanted to do to celebrate he'd said "Sleep."

Apparently leech-induced comas don't count as bed-rest.

Quil seconded the motion. I made a bet with him on which one of them was going to pass out from exhaustion first, but he was too tired to bother to shake on it.

And so, Dr. Cullen performed a forest check-up on the patient, declared him alive and well, and we all went home.

_Home_ home. Embry with his mom. Quil to his parents' place. Sam and Emily. Me and my dad.

_(Bella and Edward, Cullen and Cullen.)_

A little anti-climactic, but what can you do.

* * *

On the way home Dad and I stopped off so I could circle Jenny's house a couple of times, check for any signs of vampires, big or small. I called it official pack business, and I didn't say whose place it was I was vetting or why; I really wasn't in the mood for the talk I was pretty sure would come eventually about where babies come from and how to treat a lady like a lady.

There were no leeches, and there were no lights on in the house, and as I was getting back in the car I remembered that Jenny wasn't even there. I hoped that she and her pillow-fighting friends were safe, wherever they were.

Next we stopped off to buy pizza. We ate it in front of the TV, and before I went up to my room to try to get some sleep, I looked at my dad, leaned down and hugged him tightly. He was surprised, I think.

He said he loved me.

I said it back.

* * *

The letter was still there on my desk.

I felt strange. Very tired and very awake. Disappointed and relieved. Happy and sad.

Because Embry was alive, but he was sleeping, and I was alone, and the letter was still there on my desk, and as I inched toward it with slow, careful steps, as I watched close, kept quiet, like it was out to get me, I noticed something.

There was a darkness on the flip-side, a hint of buried ink.

I took the final steps toward my desk, turned the folded piece of paper over gingerly.

There, on the back at the bottom, were more words, in smaller handwriting.

And I read:

_If I didn't love you someone else would. A thousand girls would love you. Women. Better women than I'll ever be. Women who would love you better._

My hand was shaking. My lungs burned.

I stared at these afterthought words, at these tiny fragments Bella hadn't been able to hide from me and I _wanted_ her.

It was the conditional that had done it.

It was _If I didn't_ and _A thousand girls would_ and I thought of the garage when we'd talked about prom and she'd kissed me back.

Maybe she'd remembered I was going. Maybe she _knew_... No. She couldn't know. Or she couldn't have known when she'd written the letter.

_But now? _

I wondered, for the first time, whether Charlie had told her anything. I wondered whether Bella had known I'd been home in time for lunch the next day, whether she had known it tonight, when she'd been part of the Cullen Eight and I hadn't let myself look at her too much.

I wondered if she was jealous.

Maybe she was and maybe that made all the difference in the world.

Maybe it made none at all.

But I remembered anyway.

I remembered the split second of her face in the clearing, all turned away and modest. I remembered the way she'd looked at me that first time I'd made her smile, she'd really smiled, and it had been about me...

I folded and refolded the paper, and while I did I remembered the feeling of holding Bella in my arms, how just her hands on my shoulders and her lips against mine had been everything, _more_ than everything, more than good, more than insane, more than insanely good and I...

I opened the shoe-box on my desk that operated as a drawer, tossed the tightly squared up letter in there and closed the lid as quick as I could.

But it wasn't quick enough. I saw something in there and I had to open it again, I had to brave the teasing words _If I didn't love you..._ to rescue something I'd forgotten all about.

The CD Jenny gave me.

I hadn't listened to it. I hadn't even opened the case. But I guess I'd been busy. I guess I had an excuse or twenty.

I sat down on my bed and opened it now, pulled out the generic, lined sleeve with 'Good songs' written on it in black marker. On the other side there was a tracklisting, with sometimes copious notes, written in blue biro, small, so as to fit it all in.

The Killers, Coldplay, Michelle Branch - I'd seen that name on a CD in Bella's room... Jimi Hendrix - I smiled and wondered if Embry still had his wig. I guess I hadn't really been that into music for a while; I didn't recognize much else.

But something caught my eye. Next to track eight she'd written _Warning: this song is depressing. I'm serious. Don't even think about listening to it if you're already feeling like crap._

I absorbed this information. I considered. Then I got down on my hands and knees and fished around under my bed for my discman.

* * *

_Don't start me on the rum_

_Just because it makes me numb_

_Start me on the whiskey_

_I know whiskey is his drink..._

If this was making me suicidal, it was only because the guy's voice was like nails on a chalkboard, and also, those country influences were dangerously close to crossing a line.

I shook my head, smiled tiredly, lay back and looked up at the ceiling.

_Let's start drinking wine_

_We used to..._

Wine? Wasn't it whiskey before? Was it possible she'd actually chosen the prom night Scotch to match the song? And what was it with this girl and alcohol? Was it, like, a senior year thing? Or would she wind up in AA meetings one day, and hey, would it be Jenna then or Jenny or something she made up because she...

I shook my head, tried to focus on the music, came back in at

_... tonight you might forget_

_You might not go home to him_

_You might stay here with me_

The next line swelled too quickly into being, and I was sitting up when it did.

_It is just wishful thinking_

It is just wishful thinking.

I leaned forward, rested my head in one hand, pressed the other to my chest.

_There's no point in trying_

There's no point in trying.

And then there was something about the truth and something about love and I wanted to turn it off but I didn't.

I sat and listened, pushed my palms against my head and heart while pain bloomed inside me and the chorus came again.

_It is just wishful thinking_

_That all this hard drinking_

_Might lure you back to my ramshackle stable_

_There's no point in trying_

_The debutante was lying_

_When she said that she did something that your lips could never do_

There was something about that line, something about the debutante, something about the things her lips couldn't do...

But I lost it. Because the music picked up speed and sound, and the guy's God-awful, grating voice was wailing over and over _If you know what's true, you'll know I love you..._

I wanted to cry. I _did_ cry, if I'm honest, for the second time that night.

A couple of wishful thinking tears.

And then another voice started telling me this was a good night, and I felt guilty because it had been, it had been a really good night, a lucky night, a night that should be a damn national holiday, and I pressed stop on the discman and took out the earbuds and wiped at my eyes and sighed.

I was just starting to really think about things when pebbles flew at my window.

The moment could not have been more perfect or more terrifying. Because it had to be Bella, right? Because if there was an emergency the wolves would just howl and who else would... Would Jenny pull a Romeo and Juliet stunt on me?

No. I didn't think so.

Or yes. Maybe. She might.

It might be Jenny and it had to be Bella and either way I had no idea what I was going to do when I pulled up the window and...

It was Sam.

"Hey," he said, like it wasn't the middle of the night and he'd just walked in the front door.

I couldn't help raising an eyebrow. He just smiled back.

"Hey," I said quietly. "Everything alright?"

Sam grinned as he said "Everything's awesome," sobered when he qualified with "Well, not everything, but you know what I mean."

I couldn't help but smile, because it was true, no matter how much I wanted things I couldn't have, this was a good night.

"So," Sam said. "I'm, like, mad with energy. Figured you might be too. Wanna go for a run? Work on keeping your secrets?"

I nodded easily, swung myself out the window and we set off.

Because suddenly I felt like I did want to go for a run, like I did want to work on things. I felt alive, maybe because I knew that even if he and Quil were busy being boring as fuck right now with the whole sleeping thing, Embry was alive. He was back. And I decided that even if I didn't know what the hell I was going to do about pretty much anything, that meant I was back too.

* * *

We trained and it doubled as a late patrol, but we found nothing.

I thought about vampires and killing them, and the names Bella, Edward and Jenny were successfully kept at bay.

When we were done, we went back to Sam's place and ate a whole lot of really good food.

* * *

"Oh crap." Sam grimaced, eyeing the digital clock on the oven. "It's nearly five. I gotta be on site by ten at the latest and I don't know about you but I am about as beat now as I was amped before."

"Sure, sure. I'm pretty beat." I snatched the last mini-muffin, grinned and said "But I don't have to get up tomorrow." I bit into my prize, frowned. "Wait a minute. You're working on Sundays?"

Sam sighed, rubbed at his eyes. "I'm working pretty much all the time I'm not running around in the forest for the lack of a living."

"Man. That's rough."

He shrugged, said "It's not so bad," and just as he did he giggled like a five year old.

It wasn't the first time he'd done that. The whole time we'd been sitting and eating and talking brilliant trash about the elder-elders, he'd been breaking out in these goofy smiles at the most random moments and I'd been thinking _Sam. Is. Weird._

I said it out loud now, and he shook his head, told me to shut up, leaned forward.

"Okay," he said, nice and serious again. "I'm gonna tell you something really important. It's kind of huge. But I think you're ready."

I leaned back slightly, gripped the sides of my chair, and thought _Jesus, what the hell is it now? _

I waited, steeled myself, tried to be ready for anything.

Sam looked furtively around us, and as he did so, his lips slipped into that _weird_ grin and he leaned forward again and he said "Em's pregnant."

"Oh," was all I said at first, because I'd kind of been assuming this would be about vampires and werewolves. I'd kind of been assuming it would be about me. "That's _awesome,_" I said as quickly as I could, and I felt genuinely shocked and genuinely happy for him and kind of freaked out because I'd never thought of Sam as all that much older than me.

He was nodding and grinning into his apple juice and I was saying "Congratulations, man," and "Wow."

Eventually, once he was done basking in the news, he said "So anyway. Hence the crazy working hours. We didn't really plan on doing this yet, but Em went to the doctor last week and... yeah. Baby time. I have to catch up, you know?"

I nodded, said "Congratulations" again, added "That's crazy, I had no idea."

Sam seemed to sober at that. He turned his head entirely to the side and looked out the open window into the darkness, said softly "There are a few reasons…" He blinked a couple of times, looked back at me, continued in a stronger voice. ".... why it's important for you to not think about this when you're phased." He yawned, stretched, shook himself out, said cheerfully "This will be a good test for you."

One eyebrow went up, the other down. "You'd test me with your firstborn?" I asked incredulously.

Sam laughed, shrugged, stacked a few of the empty plates. "Guess I have a whole lotta faith in you."

"Well that's neat and all, but now I'm probably gonna wind up thinking about what happened with Jenny just to avoid spilling your beans."

He laughed again. "You do have a lot of secrets. Actually, about that, under the circumstances, for now, I'd appreciate it if you could try to keep the alpha thing to yourself too." He sighed, gathered cake crumbs and tipped them into his mouth. "We really don't need the drama."

"Oh right," I said, "Sure, no problem. I mean, that actually didn't even cross my mind until I had to talk to the elder-elders this afternoon."

Sam smiled. "Girls are more important?"

"Bella is more important."

The reply had been a no-brainer. It had been like falling off a log. It had been instinctive and immediate and immediately I'd wished I hadn't said it.

Because in the context of everything that had happened it was lame. Because in the context of everything that had happened it was _shitty._

At that moment I remembered Jenny in the kitchen. The bitter coffee and the sweet words.

I remembered the feeling of her skin against mine. I remembered the softness of it and the openness. I remembered being above her and inside of her, I remembered shuddering, I remembered my fingers curling in the sheets and the relief of it.

I remembered how it had been over too soon and how she had smiled and kissed my mouth and pulled my hand down between us and bitten her lip and moved with me.

I remembered dancing and how easy it had been. I remembered how she had promised that her prom would be more fun.

I remembered sitting in the car, how she'd tucked the red flower behind her ear and told me it was pretty.

I remembered the myspace photo and her brother who was camping with breakfast cereals because she set him up with a date but he wouldn't actually ask the girl.

I remembered Jenny, standing on the porch alone, waiting for me in her white, may as well be a wedding dress.

And I thought _Not the bride. _

I thought _The debutante._

The debutante who was a lie. The debutante whose lips did nothing special.

She couldn't have known when she'd made the CD. There was no reason she would know now. But that was who she was. That was the role she was cast. That was her place in her own good song.

Bella was the girl who was longed for and loved. Edward was the suave asshole drinking whiskey. I was the wailing sap.

Jenny was irrelevant.

I felt sick at myself. I felt sorry for her. There was something so profoundly sad about the whole situation and I thought to myself _Bella is more important?_ and _Why?_

Why did Bella Swan matter so much more than Jenny Carlson?

She shouldn't, I decided.

She wouldn't.

And I found myself telling Sam as much, before I realized I was talking at all.

"I'm gonna go see Jenny later on," I said, meeting his eye a second after I'd spoken.

He nodded.

"I think that's a good idea. Under the circumstances. For now."


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's note** - Join **adifferentforest dot com** now! The people behind this awesome new Twilight site were kind enough to make me one of their VIP authors, precisely because they want to make sure that Jacob/Bella is represented at their site. How cool is that? Plus, they're a good time. So join and come check out my cabin. It's comfy as heck and has little wolf-prints around it. Sweet!

Also, I finally have **twitter**! My name is **suzannebleu** and if you like my fic I would love to add you so we can keep in touch and freak out over fandom events and give each other new fanfic recs and such!

* * *

I slept until noon and when I woke up I decided there were a few things to be upset about.

The fact that I was still in love with Bella, for one.

There was that.

And there was the fact that I knew, even if she was pretending she didn't, that she'd be doing more than just marrying into the Cullen family, sooner or later, it was inevitable...

And even if it wasn't there was the fact that a group of the most ruthless and powerful vampires I'd never even heard of till now were in town and presumably still out for blood.

Her blood, absolutely... My dad's blood, maybe…

But there were things to be happy about too. My friends were okay, Victoria was a memory, Sam and Emily were having a kid – well, to be honest I wasn't sure how I felt about that personally, but Sam had seemed happy about it. Really happy. Mostly…

I remembered how when he'd been asking me to keep the news to myself, he'd gotten weird for a moment, turned and looked out the open window into the darkness…

I wasn't sure what that had been, but it hadn't been happiness.

It had been a moment of… something that didn't fit with the rest of who he was.

It had been a glitch, I guess…

I found myself wondering what Sam had been like before the imprint. I'd known him, the way everyone kind of knew everyone on the res, but I hadn't been his friend – I'd been busy being a kid and he'd been busy too, with being in love with Leah amongst other things.

That had changed, obviously.

I wondered how much else had. Had he been different back then - significantly different, trivially different, deep down and day to day?

I know he'd had different plans. It had been all over the school that he and Leah were going to skip out on her graduation – skip town, actually, head to Mexico and surf and drink margaritas and sleep under the stars. They'd been supposed to spend a year on the road, a year to the day, and settle down wherever they wound up…

It sounded like a pipe dream. It probably had been a pipe dream. But it had been what they'd wanted.

Mexico with Leah. That had been what Sam had wanted.

And now, as if he didn't have enough responsibility to deal with being alpha to a pack of wolves, he was going to be a dad before he turned twenty.

But it was okay, I reminded myself, because he was happy. Mostly.

I decided I would be too.

After all, I was going to spend the afternoon with my two best friends who were not dead or in comas or in varying states of grief.

If they couldn't make me see the bright side of things, nothing could.

* * *

The door at Embry's place was open and I walked inside – more _strolled_, really – hands in pockets, just about ready to start whistling or something.

I stopped in the doorway to the living room, which was wide open too, smiled.

"Hey guys, watcha doin'?"

Embry smiled back, Quil raised an eyebrow at the pointless question.

They were sitting on the couch, channel-surfing, while Embry's mom hummed in the kitchen.

"Monster trucks, dude," Embry elaborated.

Quil leaned forward to the coffee table, which was laden with food and three different kinds of soda, shoved a ham sandwich in his mouth, then said, breadily, "I think this…" He gestured to a plate piled high with baked goods, then to the kitchen door and the sound of a mother's happiness. "… means I'm officially forgiven."

I nodded, shrugged my shoulders Embry's way. "Yeah. Thank God you didn't die, man. Quil would never have gotten brownies."

Embry snorted, changed the channel when a jingle about high performance tyres started up. Quil threw a couch cushion at me.

"Hey!" Embry objected. "Not the jacquard. Trust me, you fuck those up and there'll be no coming back."

"Language!" Embry's mom called from the kitchen. Then a moment later "Jacquard!" And then, a beat after that "Hello Jacob, help yourself to soda." The fridge door closed and she popped her head into the room and added, with the most perfect smile I'd seen in a while "Or I have Nesquick coming, if you'd rather wait!"

I smiled wide too, picked up her cushion with one hand, gave her the thumbs up with the other, and said "Nesquick."

Then I stepped around the coffee table and squeezed in between Quil and Embry on the couch.

Silence ensued, unless you counted incessant chewing, occasional grunts and occasional scratchings of hair, the sounds of big trucks roaring into the small space.

"I come for the lack of leg-room," I said finally. "I stay for the lack of conversation."

"Sorry man," Embry replied. He turned my way, tore his eyes away from the TV and said gently, like I'd just walked in with a briefcase and he had a frilly apron on, "How was your day?"

I chuckled at his tone. It had been intentional, of course. Embry took the piss out of people as regularly as Quil did; it's just he was a whole lot trickier about it.

I yawned, eyed the brownies thoughtfully. "I was asleep until about twenty minutes ago. My day's only just started."

"And _what finer start!"_ Quil declared. His mouth was full when he did and little crumbs flitted down onto the jacquard.

I shook them off onto the carpet, grimaced, because I wasn't sure how much better that was, eyed the brownies again, said absently "I'm going to go see Jenny later."

Quil sat forward hurriedly, and a spray of crumbs more violent than the last exited his mouth as he said "Jenny? Who's Jenny? What's the deal, man?"

I stared at him, dumbfounded, was about to ask him when and where he'd last seen his personality when I realized I'd used her new name, the one Quil didn't know. "Jenn_a_," I corrected. "Jenna Carlson. Jenny is… I got it wrong or something."

"You got it wrong?" Quil asked incredulously. "Nice, dude, nice."

Suddenly Embry was sitting forward too, and the sound on the TV went up when he hissed "_Shit._ Prom! How are you still living?! How did the girls not tear you limb from limb?!"

I chuckled at his panicked expression, at the way he was clutching the remote to his chest, wondered how much of it was genuine and how much of it was more of his special brand of comedy.

"They were cool, actually," I reassured him. "Didn't seem to mind going stag. And I'm pretty sure Kate left with Joe Pails, so - "

"No fucking way!" Embry exclaimed, leaning back now, the remote held high above his head. "Bitch said I was her soulmate! And meanwhile here I was, suffering the coma from hell."

I chuckled again – I still wasn't sure whether Embry was putting the outrage on or not, but either way, it was funny.

"Well to be fair, she didn't know that," I reasoned. "I'm sure if she had she would have been weeping at your bedside with Leah."

"Leah was weeping?" Both of them asked the question at the same time, their voices a perfect harmony of _No fucking way. _

I grinned, cocked my head to one side. "Well… nah. But she was at your bedside for a while. That's pretty impressive, right?"

Embry blinked rapidly. "That is _damn _impressive. Especially since I think the last time I talked to her before I got coma'd up she told me she fucked my dad last week and he liked it."

I shuddered, the smile wiped off my face for a second. Quil promptly heaped loud and creative insults on Leah's name, Embry started to laugh, something fell to the floor in the kitchen with a squelch and a tinkling sound, and, nevertheless, a moment later Nesquick appeared, with a perfect smile, a plea to turn the TV down a little, something about a migraine coming on.

When Embry's mom was upstairs, Quil was back on prom. "So seriously man, what did you tell them?" he asked, a little anxiously. "Kate and Jilly?"

"Um… I didn't exactly tell them anything myself. Jenny talked to them for me."

Quil rolled his eyes. "Classy. What did you tell _Jenny_?"

I shrugged, apologizing in advance for the lameness of my cover story. "I told her you both had flu and were tucked up in bed. And that Quil's old man made everyone within a mile radius wear surgical masks."

"Brilliant!" Quil huffed sarcastically.

I laughed, leaned forward and took a brownie, glanced his way, bit into it, chewed, swallowed, said slyly "Yeah, so now she thinks Mr A is kind of insane and you guys are both huge pussies."

Embry laughed. Quil tried to follow suit, but just wound up coughing with a distressed look on his face. "She said that?" he asked in an unusually small voice.

I grinned, shook my head. "Twice. And she added 'Especially Quil' on the end. And her friends all nodded in agreement."

Quil watched me as I polished off the last of the brownie, his eyes narrowing rapidly. "I think you're lying Mr Black," he said with drawn-out seriousness.

"I think the three of us are boring as fuck," Embry interjected, yawning at the muted TV, rubbing at his eyes and slumping down on the couch. "I wonder if I'm ever gonna stop feeling like I've run a marathon," he muttered to himself.

"Speaking of running a marathon," Quil said cheerfully, "You gonna patrol tonight? Cos I think I'm ready to get - "

I frowned, nudged Quil. "Embry you should just take it - "

"Abso_lutely_." Embry raised his fist in the air to go with the final word on the matter, grinned widely. "I cannot wait to see Wolfbry again."

I shot him a sidelong glance, echoed him with a healthy dose of horror. "_Wolfbry?_"

Quil nudged me back, said sulkily "Ever since _Wolfbry _saved his life, they've been pretty tight."

I turned to him, eyebrow raised, and as I did Embry reached behind me, knocked his knuckles lightly against Quil's temple, said just as lightly "Shut the fuck up. We both know who saved my life."

* * *

I parked the Rabbit down the road from Jenny's house and thought.

It was dark now. In the distance I could see that the lights were on, and I decided that was okay because I was ready. I was ready for the parents and questions about prom. Probably some kind of talk about tribal rites of passage from her dad that had nothing to do with the reality of streamers and bad songs from eighties musicals and punch that tried its hardest to get spiked… that had nothing to do with filching whiskey from his liquor cabinet and taking his daughter's white dress off on the couch and standing around awkwardly in the newly remodelled kitchen the next morning not knowing what to say.

I was ready.

As I approached though, I saw a small figure round by the side of the house, slightly bent over, with her back to me – hers – Jenny's – it was Jenny's back, and I realized I might not even be knocking on the door tonight.

I guess my stealthiness must have been at maximum strength because when I was close enough to say a quiet "Hey," that only she would hear, she jumped, turned, something scattered to the ground, and before I'd noticed I'd stepped forward and I guess… onto it.

"What are you doing here?!" Jenny exclaimed, before she'd had a chance to check herself and make it a whisper.

She looked around furtively and then down at the ground. I followed her gaze.

I was standing on a cigarette, a busted slim white half, and its tobacco guts were spewing out from under my bare foot.

I shifted and she reached down and snatched it up, along with a small, orange lighter.

"I didn't know you smoked," I said dumbly.

"I don't…" Jenny started. Then she shook her head. "I only smoke sometimes. When I'm stressed out." She tucked the broken cigarette and her lighter into the pocket of her jeans, glanced at me before looking back at the ground. "Finals are getting me down," she whispered quickly.

"Oh," I said.

"Anyway, I guess I quit, seeing as how you just stomped on my last one." Her tone was light, tinged with a resentment that was playful, probably, maybe, I was sure it was…

I wasn't sure of anything so I didn't say anything, and she leaned forward, looked toward the corner of the house, asked me again at a lower volume "What are you doing here?"

I thought of the library, when she had done the same thing - when she had repeated that same phrase twice over, like she was surprised I would even bother to come find her, like she was surprised I would show up. I thought of the library and I thought of right now and I found myself wondering: was I really that guy?

I didn't want to be.

I didn't have to be, did I?

I realized I'd probably ignored the question for too long, searched around hastily for something to say, went with "I just came by to let you know Embry and Quil are doing better. With the flu."

Jenny smiled. "That's good," she said. "Thanks for telling me. I was starting to worry they had, like, one of those killer infections from China with the birds and stuff and yeah…"

Her features sharpened as she let go of the sentence, as she started another one instead. "You could have just called," she said, and there was a slight emphasis on _just, _that made me realize my choice of words earlier probably hadn't been the best.

I was starting to say something incredibly clichéd and so obviously a lie that it might have fixed the earlier screw-up, like maybe "I was in the neighborhood." - that meant I wasn't in the neighborhood, right? It would be all charmingly befuddled of me, something out of some British romantic comedy and –

And I never got a chance to get it out, because Jenny sighed and said "I didn't mean for that to sound so pissy. I really actually meant…" She sighed again, leaned back against the wall. "I mean it, you could have just called. Or texted. Or emailed. Or whatever." She'd been looking down at the ground while she'd said that, one sneaker extended, grinding the spilled tobacco into the grass, but she looked up, continued without missing a beat, quiet, calm, almost studiedly… friendly? Was that the word? "And hey listen, you can go if you like. I mean you can go home right now and we can just see each other at school and say hi in the corridors for a few weeks and then I'll be in New York for the summer and then it's college time and everything will be… fine. I mean… I mean it. You could have just called."

She shrugged to punctuate the speech, smiled as she did so and looked… _friendly _again.

I frowned and said "I wanted to come see you."

Jenny raised both eyebrows, folded her arms, pushed herself off the wall and squared her shoulders.

Everything about her was saying _No you didn't, _and before I realized she hadn't actually said anything out loud, I'd come back at her with "Yes I did!"

She blinked, suppressed a smile, looked past me at the corner of the house again and brought a finger to her lips.

"I wanted to come see you," I said again, softly.

Jenny looked at me for a moment, peered at me like she was trying to read my mind. Her arms fell apart and she said "Maybe you did, because you're not a bad guy. But you don't want to… do this."

"Do what? Talk to you? Why would I want to come here if - "

"You don't want to be with me," she whispered quickly, her eyes on mine for every syllable.

I felt my forehead creasing, not because I didn't know what she meant, but because I didn't know how to answer it. When I did answer it, it was with a question. The words drew together uneasily with a tentative smile: "How do you know I don't want to be with you?"

It was supposed to be cute, maybe. Charmingly befuddled? I didn't even know…

Jenny didn't laugh or bat her eyelashes or say _Maybe I don't, _or anything like that.

She didn't go with it. Or she went full steam ahead the wrong way.

She said: "Um, let's see, maybe because the last time I saw you, which was the morning after the first time I slept with you, you came downstairs for coffee and one of the things you _didn't _say was 'Jenny I want to be with you'? I'm not an idiot, okay." She folded her arms again, titled her chin upward, added "And I'll be fine. I'm a big girl."

I'd taken a step toward her while she'd spoken, felt myself grinning now at the last words and at the ones I was choosing. "I dunno about that," I said, "I'm kind of towering over you."

That was cute, right? She couldn't just ignore…

Jenny looked off to the side, barely moved her mouth when she said "You tower over everyone."

I breathed in, took another step toward her. "Not Quil and Embry."

"Okay. Alright," she conceded, her arms unfolding, her hands in her hair now, her eyes still looking to the side. "The three of you tower over all normal-sized people." She looked at me again suddenly, pointed like she'd just remembered something. "Along with the big unfriendly giant! The one from the parking lot. Hey, who was that guy?"

I smiled, shook my head. "That was my friend Sam… he does kind of look scary, huh?"

Jenny laughed brightly, looked to the side again. "He was shooting me evils. Across the lot and right on target. It was a good time."

I took another step toward her, and she stepped back, leaned against the wall again, swallowed tightly.

"I don't think he meant to," I said. "I was actually…" I hesitated, looked down at her hands that were loose by her side now and so close. "I was actually talking to him earlier. I said I was gonna come see you. He actually…" I hesitated again, and my hand moved an inch, two inches, two and a half, and stilled, suspended in mid-air, in _suspense_. "He actually seemed to think that was a good idea… So I don't think he meant to shoot the evils…"

I remembered Sam's words, right back at the start, back when he hadn't been _My friend Sam, _back when he'd been my asshole boss at a job I never signed up for, back when I'd been consumed with an anger that wasn't mine, back before I'd ever let him hang out and train and share things with me:

_She's not your imprint, Jacob._

I'd hated those words so much. I'd spat at them and rolled my eyes and hated them because they were all about the choices the wolf was taking away.

Only now they sounded different. Now Bella not being my imprint was a way in which I was free. It was a way in which I could be strong. It was a way in which I had a choice.

I could leave Bella behind. I could take a different path if I wanted to. Right now.

Because even if it felt like I could never, ever let go of the love I felt for her, even if it felt like the need to be near her would never, _could _never lessen… that wasn't literally true, like it was for Sam with Emily, like it was for Jared with Kim now too.

Maybe these days I turned into a huge wolf every so often. But when it came to Bella Swan and Jenny Carlson and love and things like that… I was still human. I was just like everybody else. And I had as much opportunity as everybody else to be a sucker or not to be a sucker.

That was the question. And I guess the answer seemed obvious when I reached out and took Jenny's hand in mine.

"He just kind of has crazy eyes," I assured her. "It's a curse, poor guy." I smiled, drummed my fingers lightly against her wrist and added "I want to be with you, Jenny."

She looked up at me from the shadows, finally, her head resting against the wall of the house, face upturned and open even if her lips were busy humming a sceptical _Hmm _when I bent down and kissed her for the first time, for the first time properly and with intent.

With purpose.

With all the free will in my body.

I kissed Jenny slowly and deliberately and when I drew back she said "You know, you could still just leave and I'll still be just f - "

I kissed her again, quickly this time, and I could feel smiles, they might have been hers, or mine, or both, I wasn't sure, but there were curves and kisses and her hands at my shoulders pulling me closer to her, and it was good.

It was a good thing, I was sure of it.

* * *

I drove the Rabbit back to my place, parked it in the garage, and when I got out, I was taken aback by a slew of memories that hit me quick and out of nowhere and only in this place, of course, it would always be this place…

Bella at the workbench, so sick of cars she'd taken to colouring in one of Rachel and Rebecca's old books – Quil was helping, mostly by giving Princess Leia appendages that made Bella squeal and almost-curse and cover her eyes and tell him to stop ruining Star Wars for her, for the love of… Bella sipping soda with drowsy eyes and drizzle and a blanket around her small shoulders, saying _Mmhmm, yeah, that's amaaaaazing, _while I took her step by step through the salvation of an old engine that never quite pulled through... Bella, solemnly telling me I was the funniest person she'd ever met, but never, ever to pass that information on to Quil or her mom's husband, Phil… Bella, looking down at the floor suddenly, her arm pressed against her chest, her face empty and full at the same time, fingers tightening, tendons in her neck becoming blades, her mouth open, slack-jawed and completely lost… Bella laughing as I took her hand and led her out of here, into the darkness, and through it, and up to the porch lights…

They were memories.

We hadn't been like that in a long time, I realized – happy and sad and day by day together…

We hadn't been like that since she'd gotten a better offer.

I pulled my shirt off, tossed it at the hood of the car, then my shorts, tied them to my ankle, stepped into the night, ran to the tree-line, phased.

All thoughts left my mind, except _Hunt, protect, kill._

Well, all my _own _thoughts, anyway.

As usual, all the other dicks who hadn't bothered to learn how to keep things to themselves when phased were pouring forth their every stupid…

_Shut the fuck up, Black._

_Yeah man… a little ironic, you gotta admit, and since when am I a dick? Geez, give me a little credit, between you and Embry and his precious…_

… _know we should wait till we finish high school and I know I can't afford it – shit – thing was huge – but she'll love it, I know she will, I know she'll say yes, and I guess her parents will just have to…_

_Just fuck her! I'm serious, this imprint shit is making everyone a scary-ass pussy and nobody's getting fu – _

_Shut the fuck up, Harrell_.

_What? A little close to the bone, Clearwater? Or not close enough? Huh? You wanna piece of this? Cos baby I'm more than willing – _

_PAUL. I gotta sleep tonight. I have a chemistry test Tuesday and there's no way…_

… _kid, I guess I should have known your sister would feature regularly in your nightmares, just like… _

I groaned, or growled, or whatever you called the sound the wolf made when I wanted everyone to get the hell out of my head with their petty bullshit, because seriously, if I could learn to control myself why couldn't everyone else at least make some kind of –

_Shut up, Black. Again. Haha._

_Yeah, shut up, man. _Jared echoed Leah with a smile I could hear, and a quiet thought followed: _Hey where's Embry? I thought he was meant to be making his comeback appearance tonight, or hey, hang on, maybe Quil thought tomorrow, no wait, wait, because tomorrow is the big night, and if it had been the same night it would have stuck in my head, and I should be scared but I'm not, because I know she's going to say yes, because that's how it works, right? I'm what she needs, I have to be, I mean, so I guess automatically, I'm getting this right. Right? It must be a…_

_Dude. That is so true. He was definitely gonna show… Maybe he's just been thinking really quietly. Embrrrrrrryyyy, _Quil ventured. _Embrrrrrry. Come out, come out, wherever you arrrrrre._

Nothing. Not even a stray thought, so maybe he'd gotten tired or something, he had said he still felt…

… _he's gotten used to getting an early night. Lazy fucker. Wonder when my coma vacation is gonna…_

… _for sure. He was amped about it… _

He had been amped. Dead set on reuniting with Wolfbry…

_Wolfbry? Jesus Christ, what the – _

… maybe he'd just gotten tired, yeah. Or he really was still weak… Weaker than we all thought, or than he thought, or than the doctor thought, and hey maybe the doctor had realized that and called and told him not to patrol yet, yeah, I guess he was just taking it easy, which was fair enough, Paul could talk crap all he liked, we all knew what Embry had been through, he deserved time to rest, I mean, even if he didn't want it – he _needed _time to rest, and we'd give it to him, whether he -

Sam's mind had been its habitual fortress of silence up until now, but suddenly a string of expletives spilled out and trailed off into _We got bigger things to worry about than why Embry bailed. I need you guys surrounding the east block, R2 on, down to the beach NOW. Alphabetical, clockwise from the – Jesus fucking – NOW just I don't even come on I didn't we're - _

We ran, scattered in patterns, a collective consciousness with a mission.

Chatter evaporated. There was only a constant murmur of _beach, R2, east, alphabet, clocks, Jesus fucking…_

And from Sam there was only sound that meant soundlessness. A strange kind of mental fumbling, like slapstick on mute, like the slim buzz around each movement on a silent screen.

But while we were running something changed. Something snapped, you could say, and I hated to use that phrase, because I could hear too well – I could _feel _too well the _snapping, _I could feel too well the tearing of wrists, I could feel too well the sounds of cheek becoming fist, and the steady violence of two against one, and three, four, five…

But something did snap, whether I liked it or not, something snapped and suddenly Sam was running in a straight line. He was running _away_, I think, because there was only one thought in his mind, over and over and over…

_I gotta go home. I gotta go home. I gotta go home. _

And in the midst of it all, in the quickening chaos of our joined thoughts, somewhere far away, Jared was giving me shit about Bella and I thought _Why now? _and _Why him of all people? He wasn't even that much of an asshole _before _he imprinted and everything became sunshine and roses – no wait – tulips, because those are her favorite or what the fuck ever and Fuck off, man, I have to find Sam, he's fucking… beat up. Or cut. Or bitten… I don't even know… and all you want to do is rip on me about Bella and how I'll never let her go, and for fuck's sake, why don't you… _

_Home, _Sam thought, and _Home _again.

… and I guess Jared got the message and shut up, because I couldn't hear him anymore.

But I realized I couldn't hear Sam anymore either.

I hoped it was because he'd phased back.

* * *

Sam had phased back.

He was also dead.

I could see it. I'd stopped at the tree-line, several meters back from where he was, and it was dark but I could see that he was dead.

Because even though the shadows hid his wounds, Leah lit them up again.

She was bent over him, human and as naked as he was. She was crouching by his side and she was… screaming, I suppose. It was like carpet ripping away from concrete. It was like small animals in soft-rustled places. It was… very hard to listen to, and as I phased back, my hands slid mindlessly to my ears.

_Dead, _I thought, _He's dead. _And I found myself guessing at the distance between the twig that was jabbing into the sole my foot and his house where we had eaten muffins and he had told me...

Not far.

I could see it. The back door was a square of light spilling into the grass.

It was open, and Emily was running.

I pressed my hands harder against my ears when I saw her coming, shrank back against the trees, waited, watched even though I didn't want to when she stopped, looked down over her cheeks at Sam who was dead and Leah who was softness and ripping apart.

She stood still while she caught her breath.

Leah continued to rock back and forth, Sam continued to be…

_Dead, _I thought, _He's dead. _

I was staring at him, at the dark place where I knew he was, it felt like I was staring so long and so completely that I flinched when Emily knelt down, cringed, bowed, braced myself when she pried Leah's hands off her fiancé's body…

But it was only to take them in hers. It was only to pull Leah into her own arms, and as she did, she sat back on her calves and Leah's body moved with hers, and as they drew away from Sam, I could see dark glistening, I could see painted hollows, I could see stillness.

I shuddered lightly, and a soft breeze followed.

I looked away from him.

I watched the women instead.

One of them naked, one of them fully-clothed.

One of them falling apart, the other holding tight.

The wind lifted the trees again, and Emily lifted her head from Leah's shoulder.

She looked up, and when she did I was acutely aware that I still had my hands pressed to my ears, that I was naked, that there was a twig jabbing into the sole of my foot and Sam's house hadn't been far at all.

Emily looked at me and opened her mouth and said nothing.


End file.
